one of many

2011-06-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

man, i only seem to write about once a year now! life sure has changed in a year. i now am the mother to 3 high schoolers! whoever thought that having 3 kids in 3 years was a good idea, should have had her head examined! i am still working with special ed students, teaching drama. we did annie this year and had 500 people show up! zeds about to get his license, he should have had it a year ago, but i was not exactly ready. he leaves sunday to go to the dominican republic for the 2nd year in a row, he is thinking of interning there after he graduates next year. tynin is off to aim at calvin crest on sunday, it seems like yesterday that she was in the 2 and 3 year old class crying for the cca's because i had never left her anywhere. she comes home and then flies to iowa for journalism camp! she is quite the writer. callista is a ball of fire, doing cheer and breaking boys hearts! she is so much fun, but not everyone around thinks that she is funny, so it causes issues! i love all of my kids so much, but am one tired mama! janice still lives her part-time, when she isn't at camp. i know in my heart that she is supposed to bring the heart back to calvin crest, so it is exciting to watch her serve and love others. dave is doing lots of undercover work as a detective, he loves it, and so i am so happy for him. we have had a pretty good year with each other, after some super hard times! i am in a state of transition, wondering if i should move, find a new job, go to another country, its hard. i have always had the dream to open a place where i could minister to all that need it, teen moms, sra survivors, special ed adults, pastors who need a break, any and all that the world has deemed throw away. it seems that i will get a chunk of money in the next few years, so we have been praying and praying for property that we could build a community, of faith, love and joy. i cannot wait for this to become a reality! i miss writing..... i should do this more often....:)

2010-08-16T00:51:00.000-07:00

its been forever since i have written on here, it seems a lifetime ago. 2 years ago when i wrote, i was in the best place i have been in in my adult life, but one short year later i would reach the lowest level i have been in. it started at family camp of 2009, i was praying the last night of camp, thanking god for his promises and blessings, i felt like i could audibly hear him say that it was going to be the hardest year of my life and to keep seeking him and trusting that he hadnt left through the hardships. i figured my mom who is not in the best health was going to pass on. i really could not have been prepared for what happened. my mom did get cancer for the 5th time, and almost died, my father-in- law got cancer, my dad had a cancer scare, my daughter suffered through depression and not eating and wanting to die, i got accused of stealing money from the government, my niece was molested and there was a trial to remove her from her mothers care, we have been living at near poverty level(literally) which is ridiculous considering we have jobs, and incomes, but trying to pay back past troubles and not ditching our debt has been hard, and then there was daves affair, it nearly destroyed me, but god gave me such grace, it was not my heart that was forgiving but truly god did a work in me, and while i have learned to move forward, my kids have struggled and struggled and it is still not where i would like it to be. this year is still not where i would like to be, but i am learning to rely more and more on god and his promises and to lean on my husband and kids, i am learning what is important and what i dont need in my life right now. it is a new year, a new day and a new chance at making today the best i possibly can..

life is still going, and im still enjoying most of it!

2008-09-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

yes, i am still alive and well, and my life is still going and going and i am still learning about God's joy and peace and hope. janice has been living here since camp ended and we took a great trip to disneyland for 4 days! it was good because she got to meet a lot of new personalities and have fun with them. i had a really awesome time! i wore her out though as she was not clued in to how much "we" all love disneyland. i put pictures on my facebook if you care to see them. janice is teaching me so much, about obedience and following Gods plans, and it is hard for me to surrender to just stopping life and listening and obeying. Case in point, this past weekend, was great, on friday, i ended up integrating the very first alter i ever created, a 6month old baby, it was very emotional and hard, and on saturday i was very sore and out of it, things are hard with the system, doing a lot of memories and prayer, and i am finding true healing, but saturday, im not entirely sure what was happening, but janice felt like she needed extra prayer for herself, so she called andrew and april rock, to ask for them to cover her in prayer for the day, well, i am still not exactly sure how this happened but the next time i came "up" we were in los osos, praying with them. apparently, leia and janice prayed and felt like it would be best to get out of town and to be there, and it was offered to go there so they went, without telling me. it ended up being a drive there, prayer and driving back. dave had been out of town, and not supposed to be home until sunday night, and i had the kids but god worked it out, and shannon called and offered to take the kids, and then when we were at the rocks, dave came home, which would have possibly been a really bad thing if we had been in the midst of prayer, so it all worked out. and god had told janice that she was sufficient, so she did all the praying for me, and the rocks, worshipped and covered her in prayer, it was such a blessing. i wasn't thrilled that we were there, but in the end i was so grateful that we had gone. i am busy with work and kids and trying to keep the memories in order and making time for prayer. i am still pretty happy and learning to let god work. hope you are all well!

back from sherwood!

2008-08-09T18:17:00.000-07:00

so, i went to sherwood this week. just a couple of days. i almost didn't get to go, health concerns, but convinced the doctor that it would be more restful than running my household. literally got the green light an hour before i was to go up. so very glad i did! i did get rest, and i actually asked some of the sherwood girls to pray and that was amazing! feeling a little better, have a few more doctors appts. this week to figure out the final diagnosis. not as worried as i was after getting prayer. one of the best things that occured this week in sherwood, was janice took paige to the waterfall. it was a very healing, touching moment, in brought me to tears. i love her and all that she did and is doing for me! it was great. and then i couldn't be up as much, and it was great watching her play with janice! she makes me laugh and she made janice laugh. and she even said hi to emily, which was so fun. leia spent a lot of time up, helping me to rest, she is letting janice in and it is nice to have my old leia back. the two of them helping me with prayer and memories, is awesome, super tag-team! the campers were amazing once again. one female, who i took smoke breaks with had a super crush on me, and it was fun to hang out and hear how great "my rack" was. seriously, it was funny! the talent show was so funny! i am going to go up probably for the last time this summer on monday, it is one of my sherwood kids birthdays and i need to celebrate with her, she means a lot to me, and she needs this badly. and besides, jaime is going to be there! things are still unraveling in my life, and i have learned so much about grace, hope and love. i have trusted god, and he is faithful in showing me that i am worthwhile and deserve joy, happiness and peace. god is good! hope you are well! miss you!

things are still amazing!

2008-08-03T20:07:00.000-07:00

so things are still amazing with me. really hard, but amazing. i am still in awe of how much my life has changed in just one month! i look back to a month ago, and don't even know who i was anymore. that is the truth. i am learning so much each day, i hope that i continue to learn even more. i think that the hardest thing for me is peoples perception of me, which i am learning really should have no hold over me. i am learning that i am who i am because god created me to be this way, and most people that i run across have no idea where i came from. i am trying to not come across so abrasive on my first encounter with me, trying to let my guard down, and let people in. that is such a new concept for me. i am excited because i am planning to go help with half the week in sherwood. dave just informed me that we have car issues so i am going to have to work around that. which is ok. i also, had a really rough night with paige last night, and am feeling crappy today, but i talked to my doctor and if it isn't better tomorrow, he will run some tests. i also got to hear my bud, janice preach today, and i was impressed with her exuberance in the word. and her understanding and her ability to make it real to people. i am once again having fun with leia, which i sorely missed. its nice to hang out and laugh, and talk and pray. she is awesome. i am still feeling very inadequate trying to figure out facebook, i think i am just too darn old. oh well, it is something to do. kids have stuff daily as school is less than 2 weeks away for them. i have longer until work starts which is nice, trying to get back into the routine may take me awhile. i just wanted to check in and write, because i need to be thankful daily for what god is doing, and part of that is reminding myself to write, so i can look back on it. hope you are all well, hope that the heat is not depleting you, oh....yesterday there was the most beautiful picture of my friend, jaime barker, i mean she looks so radiant, and i hope that her campout was amazing, with her "kids". check it out if you can, if i was at all computer savvy i would upload it or download it or whatever and put it on here. take care of you!

thanks leia!

2008-07-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

ok, thank you leia! i just want to tell you publicly that i love you, and that i appreciate having you as part of the team again. i know that i am doing what god has wanted for me for a long time, and i understand the risk of being hurt, i am prepared if that ever does happen. but, i think that going into this i have been smarter and have protected myself and feel ready to try again, to be free. knowing that you will be writing notes, and giving advice and praying and directing the "system" like you do, makes everything seem so right. we make a good team, kid. and i do need you, and yes, if it is gods will that you and i become one, then i will be ready for that. thank you for this incredible gift! lets do this thing, to completion, to wholeness, i am ready, and i thank you for being ready too! love you!

ok this is leia and i have something to say

2008-07-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

ok, so now i want to write. there are not too many times where i feel like i can learn anything new. that is not being cocky, its just that i have spent my lifetime trying to gain more and more knowledge. there are even fewer times when i will admit that i was wrong. but today, i am admitting that i was wrong. i was bitter, i was hurt and i was pissed as hell that i had put in so much work, only to have things that i couldn't control go so badly. i didn't just get mad, i hated god. the god who protected us, the god who loved us, the god who plucked us out of the darkness. i didn't understand. there was no place to find a suitable answer to what was happening, no person could tell me the whys and make it seem anywhere near ok. it just didn't make sense. i cursed god and his free will gifting. i shut down. i didn't care what debbie did to herself, and she managed to make some pretty significant mistakes, and i didn't run to fix them. i figured it was never going to get any better and she may as well self-destruct. i became hardened to any attempt to find peace or god. these past three weeks, debbie has found healing, i mean real healing, if any of you see her it is unmistakable. i just sat back, i told her that i was not interestied in going through the motions just to have to pick up the pieces when she got hurt again, i told her she was welcome to be up and to attempt whatever she liked, i didn't want to help. i kept a close watch on who and what i allowed to be up, after a few weeks, i did let paige up, i figured that would be the deal breaker, paige would throw a tantrum, and debbie would wake up and move on before the hurt got too much. but, paige, caved, she liked janice, and she was even bold enough to tell her that she didn't want to be hurt, she shared how bad it felt, she didn't even know janice, and my plan was quickly unraveling. so, i proceeded to allow a pretty harsh memory, thinking that for sure would end it, but she rose to the occasion, was gentle and calm and spoke truth and it was quick and completed, right down to finding jesus. i talked to janice, gave her the out, told her that debbie is hard to deal with, told her to get out while she could, and i figured she listened, i was preparing for the downfall that would come once debbie realized she was gone. she didn't leave, and not only that, but she was stern enough to tell debbie that she couldn't leave either because god had more healing for her, and she would miss out if she left. so, today, this morning, i am saying, i was wrong, about a lot of things, i was wrong to doubt, and wrong to be so bitter, i was wrong to try to keep debbie from healing, i was wrong to think that some little mountain girl could be at all effective in this process, i was wrong to think that god had given up on us, i was wrong, and i am truly sorry. so, now, i am back on board, i want to help and i want to have this end, i am even ready to meld into her, i want her to experience the happiness and freedom she has dreamed about her whole life. that is my goal, i want to help this end. and i want it to be glorious, i want her to feel every tiny emotion, and i want her to be able to sing and to worship and to take communion, because once she remembers everything, then she can start to forget and forge ahead with new and wondrous memories. so, i am back, and i am sorry for any bitterness i held towards you, i miss you, and i hope you can forgive me. and it would be great to see you again, but you better hurry, soon, i too may be gone, or at least not seperate.

ok third times a charm

2008-07-28T23:45:00.001-07:00

yeah i am aware that this is my third post tonight. and yeah, i don't care, i need to vent or i feel like i will explode. so, this is my outlet and i need it and so this may or may not be my last posting of the night....

there are days when i tend to forget how horrible my life was, like i truly just live in the moment. they aren't very often, but they do occur. those are remarkable days. there are days when i want to shout very very loudly about my past, to let people know, how far i have come, how much god has done, and how powerful he is. there are times when it is so painful that people judge me, judge what they don't even know. there are times when i am so embarassed by the way i am. somedays, i really hate that i have a past, not like everyone else doesn't have a past, but i really hate mine. i hate the fact that i have had to endure so many painful things, and that because of my mind, now i have to remember them and relive them all over again. i hate that at any given moment, i could lose time, and be any age between infant and adult. i hate that i have seen such evil, and i hate that at times it is still enticing. i hate that i want to heal, and to do that makes people judge. i hate that nature was stolen from me when i was a child, and i hate that foods that look so appealing make me sick because that was taken from me too, i hate that i cannot take communion without remembering some horrible thing and throwing up. i hate that i find it so terribly difficult to trust and that was also taken from me. i hate that i miss the people who tortured me. i hate that it isn't acceptable in church settings for me to talk about my past, so i have to be selective in who i can talk to. i hate that in the face of judging i have to remain silent and just take it. i want to say, hey you don't know me, you don't know what god is doing in my life, you have no idea how amazing his love and power are. why can't it be over with already god, how much longer? i trust you completely, i guess i always have, but can this be the homestrech? can this be the end to what you began, i always waited and hoped for your goodness, i always believed you wanted me as your own, there are days when it is so difficult, and yet i always come back to the promise you made me when i was so small, and i probably always will. you have been faithful, and i have been obedient and patient. i love you and know without you i would probably be dead. i know, and i am sorry for getting bitter with your people, i am sorry for losing faith, i am sorry for wanting to escape the pain of judgement. i am so sorry for being so afraid of what people say, it would be most helpful if i could not see and hear things, that is so hard for me. i know we have been through this before, and that you have not released me from it, but could you think it over once more? i am so tired, and i am so full of thoughts that sleep doesn't want to come. please dearest father, let me sleep with peace, let me know you are always there to guide me, let me seek out your truth no matter what anyone says against me, let me awaken and feel pure and not toxic, let me learn to reject the things said against me that are so very false, let me know your love, and let me feel like i deserve it. let me continue to enjoy being alone, and not being fearful. i love you and i will praise you because as much as i hate my brain on most days, you made me this way, you gave me this ability, and i trust you. thank you for bringing me this far, thank you for your promise to complete what you started, and thank you for being amazing. venting over.....feeling somewhat better......tomorrows another day

im not trying to be bitter

2008-07-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

the previous post sounds bitter and i apologize, i just am sick of being told that i am toxic and contaminated, that people seem to think that my soul intent in life is to ruin other christians lives, when they have no idea how wrong they are. so if it offended, i apologize, it was a rant at a hard moment in my day, i do feel those things, but i don't mean to hurt or offend. just confused about things right now. and i guess a little hurt. sorry, but not sorry enough to remove it, it is a reminder for me. that's all. nothing more, i just need to remember where my heart is.

why

2008-07-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

did i ever tell you that christians are my favorite people?
did i ever tell you why?
they are always there to tell you how many ways to get to jesus,
how they know the "right" way.
how their god, doesn't approve of this
doesn't act like that.
how their god is so mighty,
but never open their eyes to see his power.
how their god heals the sick,
but discount healings of today.
how their god loves the sinner
but how they themselves can't see past the sin.
how their god cleanses people and makes them pure
but they are not accepting of people
how their god will do anything to love his people
as long as it fits in their schedules
and for sure if it isn't late at night.
i love that christians have all the cute sayings and stupid bumper stickers
but their actions will never replicate those.
i am in awe of the power of worship on the enemy,
but even more in awe that christians always have a time limit to praise
i love that church should be for the hurt and wounded,
but everyone only talks about their neighbors problems, not their own
why do christians feel like they are not christians if they have pain and fears?
if christians only knew that god loves them, that god doesn't have a time frame like they do, that god does heal, that god does love, that god adores the worship from his people, that god wants us to tell him our hurts and fears, and that he desires to heal us from them. that god is powerful, and he gives his authority to his own, but they choose to walk away from it or deny what is handed to them. why is it so hard to believe that what god said in his word, is the truth. why be a christian? what is the draw? to be shallow, to say hurtful things just because you don't understand? to put god not only in a box, but in a box, locked in the cellar. to be able to say that you went to "service" for an hour and worshipped god? god deserves worship all the time, not just an hour once a week, god deserves to know that we believe, that because he died for us the least we can do his show that complete kind of love. god deserves our trust, that even if things are weird or different doesn't mean that they are wrong or bad. god deserves to partner with us in times of hurt and pain. he wants to be there, and i believe that he wants us to be there for each other. i want to follow christ, to believe in god and all he has done for me, i just don't want the title of "christian" cuz if you ask me, they don't have a fucking clue.

i feel more hopeful today

2008-07-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a bad day. nothing left to say about that, i figured that i was done with the joy and the hope. i was wrong. i just made the decision to fight for the things i want which is joy and hope. i had help, asked janice for prayer, and she being so obedient was kind enough to oblige. it isn't easy. i have so many walls and hurts and fears, but i really want to learn to not fear life. i want to live in fullness of laughter and peace. it seems to be a constant committment, it is something that i desperately want, that i love feeling. it has caused some weird problems, like my friends, like shannon, are not sure how to take me now that i smile and laugh and have a different outlook on life. they pull back, they feel awkward, they tend to not invite me over as often. normally, that would have destroyed me. i would have been taken out at the knees. but, this time i would rather be home alone, walking around with nothing to do, than to put myself in those situations. i am learning and growing and crying and laughing and it is hard, but it is so worth it. today started out so much better than yesterday, and so far it is continuing to be pretty ok, i still am having to choose not to listen to the old tapes and lies that i don't deserve to be happy, cuz i think that i do. i am looking forward to tomorrow and what it holds for me, i think it might be a really good day. let you know......

so many new things each and every day

2008-07-28T01:47:00.000-07:00

ok, here goes a long drawn out post, mostly it will be long because so much is happening, but also because i might not be able to get the things out the way i want without being long-winded. i will try to start at the beginning of things, but just bear with me...ok, so i blogged about the time with mel and kelly, which let me say again was awesome, and then time went super fast and super slow all at the same time. friday night was the first time in three weeks that i even gave a thought to anyone from the coven. i just really hadn't thought about them, until i saw kincade outside of fridays, and he mouthed off to me. the weird thing is it didn't terrify me like it used to. it was just kinda annoying. then friday late night, was the first night i was alone in my house, and my new house the backyard is on a main street, so i am outside smoking and hear people talking to me, i normally would have shut down and been so submissive to them, just full of fear and feelings that i "had" to do what they say, and yet they knew i was alone, and there were 3 of them, and all they kept saying was that on saturday they were coming for me, and then it hit me that i was more vulnerable at that point and challenged them to just take me then, i mean i was alone, and there were 3 of them, they got frustrated and just left. i think i get it, if i release the fear and the obligation to god, then i have more power, and they look like puny little fools. it was a freeing moment. it made me feel like i would never be alone again. nice moment. oh, wait, i forgot to write about the therapist trip last week, let me go back. so, every morning when i wake up i remember roger, i mean the way he smelled, the way he looked, the way he sounded, all of it, and honestly it was really a comfort thing to me, i know it is stupid and how could i want to remember someone that hurt me so much, but i did, and didn't really share that too much because people have strong reactions every time his name is mentioned. but, about 10 days ago, i woke up and didn't remember, in fact i smelled...wait for it....nature! i thought it was weird but it didn't sink in until it happened four days in a row, i was forgetting roger, and it scared the hell out of me, so i called my shrink and he agreed to meet with me, in fact he took me to rogers grave, and told me that it was time to let go of him, to really let go, to not try to remember, even the good times i had with roger, to let myself grow away from what is still so familiar to me. it scares me, i feel a little lost without that first memory of the day of him, but i trust that what is happening to me is god's will. i have no other choice because i can't explain half of the things that are happening. so, now back to the weekend. saturday i got to spend the day with janice, and we had a great time. we went and saw batman, and ate and laughed, and laughed and laughed some more, we had intentional time of memory work, which she is a quick learner and has already earned leia's respect and paige's seal of approval, which is a huge deal. it was just an incredible time of healing. i am nervous because i had to tear down a lot of emotional baggage to get to a place where i could make myself vulnerable enough to trust someone to help me. it is so weird because it seems to go so easily, so smoothly, so completely, and once again, in case you have forgotten, it is a woman, and it is mostly me that is up. i am grateful that god is choosing this path for me, it is truly a blessing! that brings me to sunday, the morning was great, just an amazing time, i slept the best i had in like 2 years, didn't wake at all. by the afternoon, i was struggling, with old tapes, of doubt, and fear and rejection and abandonment, it sucked! i guess that once the devil finds your insecurities he just comes back there over and over, it pisses me off. i spent a good part of the day in bed crying and wanting to rebuild walls, i can say that it was the first time in over 3 weeks that i wasn't smiling for the biggest part of the day, i couldn't find a smile. i replayed the feelings of contamination and loss over and over, it was making me get to a point in my head where i didn't want to continue for fear of what might make it end too soon. gosh, i really despise fear! it took me out, but, i have bounced back, just barely but i have, as i write this i am once again, hopeful and have a smile on my face, it might not be as big, but it is for sure a smile. i have swallowed my pride and asked for prayer, i have stopped trying to rebuild the walls, i have made the decision to trust, i have asked forgiveness for doubting and trying to run from god and his will in my life, i have come to terms with the fact that i do not deserve sorrow and pain, that i deserve peace, hope and love. i hope to sleep tonight, and wake up with this new found, once again, hope. i have decided that hope is going to be my new word, my motto, or mantra, or whatever. hope with a dash of peace. because that is what i want to feel. it is what the waterfall makes me think of, a new cleansing, a new hope. i know this is bold, but if you ever think of me, say a prayer, not an elaborate thing, just that i will know hope and that i will embrace it. it would mean the world to me. thanks! and thanks for commenting, it is fun to reconnect even on a small level. i am thinking of taking a trip to washington to see the cosbys, if i can swing it. i hear that they have a great breakfast place up there, and it would be a blast to see baby ryland. and they are one of the few people i have yet to see. blessings on you my sweet friends, thanks for stopping by my blog and reading this ridiculously long post. love ya!

i got to hang out with mel and kelly!

2008-07-25T17:11:00.000-07:00

ok, so just got back from hanging out with mel and kelly! so great! i have been anxiously awaiting this meeting. we met and talked and talked and it was amazing to spend time with them. i am very excited to be in this place in life where it brings me joy to have fellowship with other women. i never in my wildest dreams thought this possible. but, not only is it happening, it makes me so happy to be with them. god, has been doing such weird things, like since i have begun receiving prayer again, i have seen, jaime, george, corey, lindsay, mel, and kelly. if the cosbys show up i will drop dead of surprise, not really...i am almost expecting it. i also heard that my beloved susan is moving back. that would be an amazing time for me, to have her in my life right now. i miss her so. things are going well still, i am still smiling a lot, and now my face seems to not ache from it, which i am glad about, because it means i am getting used to it. i also think that i am about to receive many wrinkles, from laughing. i am pretty wrinkle-free for being almost 40, but i realized it is because i do not smile that often, so i may age a whole lot really soon, which i am so ok with. the past few days i got to spend at calvin crest, dave helped with a rock climbing camp, so the kids and i hung out in the lodge and down in sherwood a little. amazing things are happening to me, i still have no pain in my knee! janice took me to a waterfall, which was one of the most beautiful things that i have ever seen. i walked across a log! and wednesday night, went down to sherwood and prayed and worshipped for a long time, and when i looked up, i saw a whole whole bunch of stars and no moon! i thought that janice had prayed it away, i really did, and then she told me that sometimes the moon doesn't make it over the trees, and they call it a moonless forest. i was so stunned. i even saw a falling star, which caused me to laugh and cry. so amazing. i am starting to like the nature more and more, i feel like there are so many things that are being restored in my life. beauty in nature is one of them. i keep thinking that soon this will end, but it doesn't, i think part of that is me making the choices and being obedient to stay in this place. i am looking forward to seeing jaime again when she returns from the beach. and tomorrow, i get to go out in nature again with janice, maybe find a bigger waterfall! today was a great day! a really awesome day! and oh my gosh! little naomi pina is the cutest thing ever! sweet sweet baby. wish i could hold her someday!

its a new day!

2008-07-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

my life has been flipped over and over again. these past two weeks, have felt like an entire lifetime! i am stunned everyday at the changes that i am seeing in my life. i have never smiled this much ever! i walk around singing, and i laugh and i hug people, and it brings me joy and not pain. i feel like a weight has been removed from my body, i feel light and free and happy. i enjoy being around people, and smile when they are near. saturday, i had "my sherwood kids" over to hang out, and they filled my home and my heart with joy and laughter. they brighten my soul and i am forever grateful for my week in "the nature" when i got to be blessed by them. and then of course there is janice, oh the things that she is teaching me! she is so patient and gentle and kind and loving. i feel like fear is not ruling my life. on saturday, there was a full moon, and i usually tend to stare a bit at that moon, but this past saturday, not even once did i glance at it. i was not even aware that this occured until the morning, when i realized that it was sunday, and that i had made it through saturday night. janice has taught me to laugh, and to be bold, to be intentional in prayer, to love, and to live. i am so grateful to god, that he waited for me to be ready, and that he then provided a person to fit my needs. it is a new day, a new beginning, and a new life. oh....i get to see mel and kelly on friday! and i cannot wait to give mel a hug and see her and talk with her and be with her. i am most excited to renew friendships with people that have brought me this far in my journey, but to be able to really connect with them, to love them like they had loved me for so long. friday should be awesome!

HOPE!

2008-07-15T00:55:00.000-07:00

hope has returned to my life! i am smiling, and full of joy, i am intentionally worshipping God, i am doing things i never in my wildest dreams thought possible. it is scary and terrifying and so awesome, i am going for it, trying to find freedom and complete wholeness. please pray that i can find it. and pray that i learn to trust freely again, without fear of pain. miss ya all.

new house new beginning.....whatever

2008-06-03T23:38:00.000-07:00

so, due to a really fucked up refinance that we took out over two years ago that came with all sorts of hidden costs, that totally drained our bank accounts, that have made it impossible to live a normal life, and now with gas costing us over 600 dollars a month, we are now foreclosing on our home of 15 years, the only home our kids have known, and moving to the other side of town, to a rental home. now, don't get me wrong, i am glad that we are moving close to the kids school, and our church, and it is a four bedroom home, and it is going to be 1,000 dollars a month cheaper, and save us a ton of gas, but the issue for me, is the packing. i spent over five hours going through boxes of notes and pictures from paige and leia and the rest, i cried and got scared and got mad and got sad and got happy and got every other emotion that exists, and had to throw a lot of it away which made me feel like i was ripping out my soul. i am hoping that this move will bring dave and i some healing, that we will be able to send our kids to camp next year, and that my stress level will go way down, that is what i am hoping. we are moving june 20th, so i only have three weeks to pack, which is scary, but i set little goals each day and so far i have met them. we also have two litters of puppies right now, because our boy inside dog got outside and got the two female dogs pregnant, and they each had 5 puppies, so yes, moving, and 13 dogs most of whom i must find homes for before the 20th. we are moving across the street from clovis west high school, and the northeast police station which dave is hoping to transfer to in december. thankfully, i opted out of doing summer school, or i would be a mess. things are rough, i feel so disconnected, i will let you all know soon, how it is going. oh, my play at school went awesome, i got pictures, and we had over 230 people there, we got 2 standing ovations, and the kids were so proud. i will try to post them when i find the rechargeable batteries to get my camera back on to download the pictures. miss you all, and at least we will be at family camp, thanks to grandma! let me know how you are all doing. that would be nice

getting ready for the big production

2008-05-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

ok, so i know i hardly ever get on here to write, and i promise to change that as soon as work is out for the summer, but i wanted to let you all know that this tuesday may 20th, is my classes big production of Grease. yes, i work with special ed, and most have downs syndrome or autism, but they have worked since september on this and it is going to be fantastic! i hope to post pics later this week. i am so thrilled to be able to be involved in this, and to see the excitement that achieving this has been for my kids. i am so tired, but this is a good tired! pray on tuesday that it all goes off well. let u know....

ok its easter

2008-03-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

ok so, its easter week and you know that this my favorite time of year. or not... but, i am plugging along, not that this is an easy year. it some ways it is harder than past years, but in some ways it is easier. for one, since marriage counseling, i have been able to express to dave what i need as far as spiritual security, and believe it or not, he has been trying to step up and make it better. the marriage counseling has helped, and has been the hardest thing i have ever done, but the rewards are many and that feels like it is worth it to me to go through all the crap. i am so grateful that i got a job that doesn't require me to work this week, because i think i would have struggled a great deal. and the kids are so old, that they actually have been a help to me this year, especially zed, when i have to run to the store, i feel not physically but spiritually safe and that helps a lot. i am learning to trust dave with personalities and memories and that is a real challenge for me. but i hope in the end it will help me finish my healing process. although the marriage counselors think it would be better if i didn't have to share those things with him, but i am desperate to get past this place, it isn't a good place to be stuck. i am really tired and worn down and ready for this week to be over, but i am doing pretty good. hopefully, it will go quickly! love to you all, it would be great to hear from you!

finally......

2008-02-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

i am sorry that i don't get on here very often to write and update. but, today i have some time, because once again i am sick and so our some kids. but, that is probably the only thing that is going wrong in my life right now. we got our house out of foreclosure, and that took a lot of weight off of me. and dave and i started marriage counseling and as much as i wanted to doubt that anything could help, it has done wonders for us. and this is a very different kind of counseling. we dont talk about each others faults, we dont yell, we do nothing but learn to communicate, listening skills, and then we have a book to read and homework, like date nights. when we left the first time, i thought honestly that it was a crock of shit, but we both committed to try the techniques and to do the homework. and i can honestly say that i am happier in our marriage than i have been in five years! dave has voluntarily offered to not do outside hobbies for six months or until i tell him that i am ok with him going. we had the best date night, and we spent no money and laughed and held hands and it was awesome. he helps with the kids and the house and is so attentive and i in turn respond to him with respect and it has started a new cycle of how we treat each other. now, i am not saying we are perfect, we still have moments, but now, we are able to really work through it and listen and not be defensive or hurt and it is so much better than what we had going for awhile! I am so thrilled that this has worked so far, and we have like 8 more weeks i think. hopefully i can keep you updated and hopefully it will still be positive news. thanks for praying for us, and keep praying, we go on mondays usually but not tonight because i am sick. things haven't felt this safe for me in years, i am optimistic that this will be the answer i have sought for so long.

christmas and new years 2007

2008-01-04T22:39:00.000-08:00

this is our kids in the christmas pagent. the girls each had two roles, and zed was asked an hour before to fill in for a sick kid. it was kind of nice that they were all three in it. also the girls at their dance parties with santa. and our annual christmas caroling in the in-laws tractor and trailers, this year a whole slew of the kids friends came, and then new years eve on the porch. i am hoping and praying that 2008 turns out to be a spectacular year for my family, the first four days of the new year i have been sicker than a dog. hoping to be well before i return to work. i hope you are all enjoying the new year.

finally found some time to write

2007-12-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

ok, first of all i am not dead, just so busy! work is wonderful! i love my students and miss them when i am not at work. some of them have captured my heart and i long to make their lives better. i am going to take some pictures at our christmas party next week and hope to post them. marriage is what it is. my kids are huge. tynin just turned twelve! i am only an inch taller than her at this point. zed is halfway through his 8th grade year. he just finished his big constitution test, which i am forever grateful to be through with. callista is still my funny ray of sunshine. she loves running and both her and tynin are doing well in cross country. i can't begin to tell you how much i am anticipating christmas break! i am so worn down! in fact i am only writing this because i got sent home from work. this week is the busiest with christmas programs and work and cross country finals and dance and homework. next week will be better since all i have is work. the kids are off a whole week that i am not, but they are old enough to fend for themselves for a few hours. hope you are all well and happy and healthy. i pray that your holidays are meaningful and restful and special. let me know what you are up to.

better late than never

2007-10-03T23:48:00.001-07:00

i forgot how much fun we had this year! these are a just a few of the reasons that 2007 was the ultimate year of camp for us. some other reasons which aren't depicted in film were.....the dance in the apple orchard, the late night dominoes with some new additions this year, the candle game with the staff with tony doing play by plays, watching my son move into cca world, visiting old friends until the wee hours, watching god to miracles for vinnie and karen, and the speaker who still has us longing for more of the word. i am so blessed to have been there this year, to watch my children grow and venture out. to see kennedy laugh and play. and for the countless times that staff caught us "talking to the neighbors" and feeling like we were in trouble. my high for the week was the dance, david's was the speaker and the candle game, zed's was being with courtney and watching kennedy, tynin's was going to yosemite with madison and dan and the lake, callista's was the giant swing, which i think she did everyday for at least two hours, and kennedy's was touching the bottom of the swimming pool. we are hoping to make it back next summer.

tales from the working mother

2007-08-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

so, here it is the evening of the second day that i worked. i would have written last night, but i was so exhausted that i couldn't even eat dinner with my family. having a job is such a weird experience for me. i have already failed as a working mom, my son wanted to run for student body president, mainly he said because he wanted someone to win that would do the job, not just someone who was popular. so, i said sure, go for it son. i completly spaced it out this weekend with my new job jitters, and didn't make any posters or help him with anything. he told me sunday night, he didn't really want to run, since all his friends were telling him that they were voting for someone else. i took him to school and he said he was not going to do it, and when i picked him up, he had been talked into it by a friend, and was a little sad. i felt horrible! but by bed he was over it and not too disappointed. callista forgot her lunch today, and had to call grandma because i was at work. not that she cared since grandma brought her a rice bowl and i would have brought her a lunchable or something else nasty. but, it was hard, to feel like i wasn't available to the kids like i used to be. of course, i still have the homework, and sports and dance and church stuff as well as being employed now. and to be honest, i am so tired! i do like my job, it is very challenging and the teacher i am with is new to the program and so it is a learning experience each day, but, today was loads better than yesterday, and i think tomorrow may be better as well. the weird part of the whole thing, is i took this job for financially reasons only, when dave became a detective, our finances went in the toilet, and it was after two years of me asking him to work overtime for more money that i decided i needed to work, so i didn't have to stress anymore. so i took this job, and now all of a sudden he is working 30 HOURS of overtime THIS WEEK! i am a little hurt and a little confused, but, it's not like we won't spend the money! the weird thing is that we had a huge sitdown conversation about him pitching in more with the kids and house work, and now he is not even here to do anything, so it all falls back on me. but, one great thing is that the kids have stepped it up and are kicking tail on the help, tynin is cooking dinner a few times a week, callista took over laundry from tynin, zed is dishes and picking up the living room. they are helping with the grocery shopping, and being responsible for their own breakfasts and lunches. they are really growing fast and it is a joy to be around them. so far, they seem to like school. zed is the biggest change in attitude about school, he really enjoys his teachers and is trying to prove that he is responsible. tynin likes her teacher, it is his first year teaching and he is super young. i am not thrilled with the over two hours of homework she has each night. tynin is super super anal about school, and tries to get it all done at school so she has time to read and stuff. the second week of school and super student is swamped and i am not thrilled. callista is having the hardest time, she loves her teacher, but she has some bratty kids in her class that are pretty disruptive and she is sitting with two of them. and the school work is a little bit challenging for her this year. zed is in soccer and the girls are in cheer. the other things have not started yet, but soon, i know that i will be spending long days running around, trying to savor every second with my kids. i am struggling with lonliness and depression. i feel like i have no one to share things with, no one to cry with, to laugh with. these days, the pain of not being touched, of not being acknowledged is taking it's toll. lots of tears, but i am in a good place, moving on to another phase of my life. my work is hard but i do have fun students and some hilarious stories after only two days, soon i will start blogging about my life at school. hope you are all well. miss you so much!

another long night

2007-08-03T02:50:00.000-07:00

here i sit; in front of my computer, my mind refusing to quiet itself so that i may sleep. sounds ring out around me, thoughts swirl through my mind and crash against the side of my brain and leave an aching pain in its wake. my mood for tonight would be melancholy. a bit of fondness, a dash of regret, a yearning for the familiar. a thought that i could do somewhat better if i started writing again, if i let some of the billions of thoughts in my head out, maybe that would make more room for new thoughts. i was wrong. of course, who comments, jaime and george. the two people that i crave spiritual guidance and advice from. the two people i long to sit and talk for hours with. to get back on the right course. the talk around our house the past few days, is moving to bakersfield. that whole thing is a long long story, and a sad and scary one. in a way, i wanted it, to start over, perhaps find someone to help me de-fragment. but each hour i was so disturbed over the prospect of moving that i started to get sick. i don't know what to do. some very close people to us may move, i can't imagine my life without them daily in it. is it enough to cause me to move, maybe. i hope and pray that i make a wise decision. i don't know how long it is going to take to heal from some of the pain i feel, it seems to me that it should be dissapating soon. but then it knocks the wind from me and sears that pain into the utmost forefront of my thinking. like today, i find a colored picture under my pillow, assuming it was a note from one of my children i pulled it out, this is what the note said............deer gsus wil i evr se mi dadde agin by paige. it made me shake. what you don't understand is that i feel like i have deeply hurt a little girl, and then i think about it and realize i am hurting myself. and didn't i go through enough as a child? i can't figure out how to fix this. is it unfixable? how will i ever let go of this broken child, when i keep inflicting more on her? i don't want to feel, i don't want to remember, and i want to sleep. really really want to sleep. i guess i will go try

life is taking a turn

2007-08-02T00:47:00.000-07:00

ok, i know, i haven't blogged in awhile, or emailed, or called, or visited. all i can say is sorry, and is that really ever enough? my life is changing daily, and it is so overwhelming to me, that i feel like i have nothing left to give at the end of the day. first things first, i am still married, just barely at the moment, but have been given an extra burst of "sticking this out, for better or worse". i am still the mother to three kids, who are growing up so quickly and each and every day is a shocker to me when i am around them. the two huge new items in my life, are that i have a new dog, his name is smeagle and i haven't killed him yet, and he is a huge comfort and joy to me. really, having him around has given me a window of hope and love again. i will post pictures soon, right now my computer freezes up if i do anything so i cannot post them. the other major major thing that is happening, is i am going back into the workforce, as of the 20th of august. i passed the stupid math test and i got an interview and hired twenty minutes after the interview. i have been fingerprinted, tb tested, and filled out tax forms for the first time since leaving the occult. i am going to be an instructional aide for special ed adults. it is basically a life skills class, where they are taught, laundry, cooking, jobs, transportation and other skills needed to move to either a group home or apartment. i am looking forward to it, but truthfully i am so terrified that i am not sleeping well at all. this summer has brought about many painful painful emotions in me. dave and i have seperated a few times, for very short timespans. family camp turned out to be an awesome experience, we really learned a lot about the word, which builds me up and ignites a fire in dave. i got to see ryland walker, who is the second most beautiful newborn boy i have ever ever seen. his pureness and light frightened me and i was terrified to hold him for fear of contaiminating him. i cried and cried each time i would walk over to see him only to be so overcome with fear and self worth issues that i couldn't make myself knock on the door. i am embarassed, i am saddened and i am regretful. i also was very nervous and afraid of speaking to tony, who i consider a great sounding board, and who will always be a role model for my spiritual journey. just felt like a cloud of disgusting whatever was going to descend upon me and make me ruin those relationships as well. i couldn't even say goodbye to the cosbys or tony. then there is the mel thing, i got an email and a phone call, i wrote it on my calendar, was so excited to finally be with mel. and then i thought, i can't hurt mel, i cannot taint her enthusiasm, and her joy, it would be best to steer clear. same with the barkers. many nights, i have sat in my car watching their house, remembering, the peace i would feel there, and trying to remember the closeness. i am fucked up! i am at a place in my life, where new things are happening, where things could drastically change for me. and i realized the other day as i hugged my daughter, i feel so disconnected. and then it hit me, i am disconnecting. i am not well, and i am not whole. i cannot live with the pain, so i have started trying to "unlearn" emotions. i have not been a good friend, but in my mind, i am doing the best possible thing by staying away. i yearn for an end to this whole fragmented mind. have wandered how to stop it. i am not even sure that i am not 100 different parts again. time escapes me, money is missing, i am bruised and not explanation ever comes to me as to where they came from. i have failed everyone who ever tried to help me. i didn't finish the journey, i didn't get the freedom and wholeness i chased for so long. i didn't make it. i am so sorry to all that have put in time and love, and money and emotions. i didn't ever think that i would have screwed up so badly. i hope some day that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me, and i hope that someday you will help someone else and not be detoured by my failures. i don't know how else to say sorry. i don't know how else to make things right. i did make it to a point in my life that i never thought i would and that is at least something. if ever i make it to heaven i will ask why god wanted to ever let a failure like me be put into this world. i have come to the conclusion that i need this blog to be an outlet for me, i have been bottling up stuff and need to have the word vomit that writing brings to me. so, i will be throwing it all out there, and hoping that it will at least make me feel alive.

the days and nights are blurring together

2007-06-21T23:42:00.001-07:00

lately, my life has been on the highest of highs and then what seems like a moment later, the lowest of lows. i think that this may be the way my whole life has gone. and i also understand why in one moment my memories of childhood vascilate between happy and horrid. i know on a personal level why my mind has the ability to split. the past few days, i have been so crazy in the head. it all started innocently enough with a few couples playing games, then we started having the question game, like what is your favorite vacation, what is your favorite gift you ever received, what is the most joy besides weddings or births that your spouse has brought to you. you know fun questions, the things that make you smile. then more and more people left and it was down to two couples, things got heated for the other couple and i was scared, but the husband went to bed, and then it was dave and i and the wife. dave mentioned that he couldn't believe the blowup that occured, and then i said well at least they communicate and get it out in the open, and that it is hard to connect when you feel like stuff is being kept from you. the wife agreed, and said she knew for a fact that dave was withholding things from me. i demanded that he start being honest with me, even if it hurt. i said tell me all the things that you are keeping, he didn't, and then she said, ok, that's too hard, let him pick one thing and tell you that. she also told him that i might be hurt, that it might be harder for awhile but that in the end it would be better. so, the thing he picked is that i was fat. now, that sucks in itself, but the thing that got to me was for five years, i have asked and asked and begged and pleaded for him to tell me, and all of my friends and family and even my therapist told me, that if he was so obsessed with the way he looked, that there was no way that my weight didn't bother him, so i would tell dave that and he would swear that he didn't feel that way, and i would tell all of these people, no no dave doesn't feel that way. so when he said it, i felt so embarassed and stupid, and then i was hurt, because i felt betrayed and lied to. and then my sick mind kicked in and is so obsessed with excerising that i get out of bed every two hours to do crunches, and push ups and squats and i wake up feeling starving and making my mind not think about food. i didn't want to get to the point where i was psycho. now, i don't know how to turn it off. i am determined to lose weight, and hope to heaven that the pain doesn't take over my life. i am struggling the most with that part, the obscene amount of physical pain. but, i don't know how to get my mind wrapped around this. so, sorry that the last post sounded so drastic, but at that moment in my life, it was all-consuming. and hopefully by christmas i will be in a size 2. at least that would make dave happy.

fyi

2007-06-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

fyi
the last post may have implied too much
dave did not cheat on me
dave did not leave me
dave just called me fat
not a huge deal to anyone but me
but it still hurts like hell.

why now?

2007-06-20T02:15:00.000-07:00

why now?
why did you lie for so long?
i asked you straight to your face.
i demanded you tell me the truth.
i pleaded and begged
i cajoled and bartered,
i was honest with you,
brutally honest.
i spoke my mind, my heart, my spirit
you withheld yours
wrapped it tightly and put it away
you say you didn't want to hurt me,
you say you didn't mean to offend.
you say that it doesn't change anything
that you still feel the same way.
i feel like you haven't been honest for years
that everything you have said in this time frame
is bullshit.
i say that i feel so embarassed and ashamed
that i feel like an idiot
why now?
what am i supposed to do with the information.
how am i supposed to wake up tomorrow and be normal
how am i supposed to want to lay in the same bed with you.
how am i supposed to not despise myself.
you waited, you had every chance to be honest.
you waited and by doing so you hurt me to the core.
why now?
i thought my life was finally going to turn a corner
that i was on the track to a new beginning.
you smashed my confidence to the floor
you took away the hope that was barely flickering in my heart
you have stolen away the belief i had in us.
where do i begin,
from this very moment in time
my life is forever changed.
i have to fix this
to make it go away
i just wish that you could have been honest
when i was ready
why now?

summertime is here!

2007-06-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

summertime is here, and that means a lot to me. no early mornings, no running around like a mad woman carpooling kids everywhere. it means a lot of swimming in a pool and hanging out with my best friend. this summer has brought about huge changes in my life. the first being that i am now a brunette, a really dark shade of brunette. i went from platinum blonde to deep dark brown. i am not sure i like it but everyone else raves about it, that it makes my eyes pop and that it makes me appear softer somehow. it is a strange thing. the next thing is that my two oldest kids are within two inches of being as tall as i am, tynin just keeps growing and growing, and is less than a half an inch from passing zed! i hope he grows soon! callista is still itsy bitsy, her weight is barely over fifty pounds, and i don't know if i should worry yet. the biggest personal change is that after trying and trying to pass my math test, i finally did and will enter the working field in august! yes, i am going to be working! the hours are great for me, 8am until 2:30 pm, so i can take my kids to school and still let them be in all of their activities. i am nervous and excited at the same time. and the money will help out a great deal. the next big item this summer, is that i got really serious with dave, really serious, i laid it out there, and tomorrow night he is starting counseling!!!! he called and made the appointment himself, which was a condition of mine. i am so hopeful that things in my life are turning around. i still have no prayer team, i tried to find people at our church, but it is too new and too scary for them to start without training, although some are looking into classes at kingdom ministries. i won't hold my breath. i figure god must want me to learn to be alone in my healing. i have begged him to stop the memories until i find help, but they kept on coming, so now i made a new one to just harbor the memories, so i can sleep. it isn't a good solution, but it is working for now, and someday the time will come and the opportunity will arise to finish what i started. i have been setting boundaries and when i know that i will be hurt or pushed too far, i steer clear, even if it means not seeing or being with people i care about. i am nervous for camp. i feel so alienated from everyone, and even the thought of seeing the thorntons or tony is gut wrenching to me now. i hope that i do see laura, but she will probably be in the hospital having a sweet bundle of love. i don't know who i am exactly right now, don't know where i fit in, or who my friends are or aren't, but i am trying to expand my mind, my heart, my confidence and my spirit. i am trying to do things for me, and not depending on others. so if i get hurt, i can only blame myself. i regard people in such high esteem, and the longer i am away from them, the higher i place them on the importance scale in my mind. you are all kings and queens to me. you have accomplished much in your lives, you have given much of your time, and loved much with your hearts. someday, i hope to regard myself, as that type of person. much love and blessings on you and your summers, missing you and thinking of you daily. loving you from afar, and wanting to better my life to prove to you that one person does make a difference, that lives can be changed and altered forever.

sometimes

2007-05-31T22:39:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i lay awake at night and listen to my heart pounding in my chest.
sometimes, i hear the beating in my ears, sounding like pounding surf on the sand.
sometimes, it makes me smile, to know that i have survived and have a heartbeat.
sometimes, it makes me cry to know that it does still beat and i have to face another day.
sometimes, i let my mind go to the place where i used to feel safe and secure.
sometimes, i run from that place, because remembering it at all brings enormous pain.
sometimes, i think it is a gift to be alone, to not have anyone hanging over me.
sometimes, the lonliness of it threatens to strangle the breath inside of me.
sometimes, i look at my kids and think i have finally done something correct and good.
sometimes, i see them and wonder if i have done enough.
sometimes, i want to yell and scream and tell people that they should love me.
sometimes, i look in the mirror and understand why i am always abandoned.
sometimes, i want to go out in the morning and accomplish much.
sometimes, i want to lay in bed and cry and sleep through it.
sometimes, i want to figure out how to finish melding my brain together,
sometimes, i realize that it is as good as it is going to get.
sometimes, i want to run away, start from scratch, forget the present.
sometimes, i want to run away, start from scratch,
sometimes, i want to run away.
sometimes, i want to run
sometimes, i want to
sometimes, i want
sometimes, i

it's been awhile....

2007-05-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile since i have sat down and tried to write something about my life and what is going on in it. i feel like maybe i just didn't want to write how bad things were on somedays, and then on other days i felt like my life had nothing that i would care to read about later on. but, a lot has happened the past month, and i find myself reeling from the hurried pace of my life right now. i am in a position of trying to find myself, to really feel comfortable with the person i am, to find my balance and place in this time and moment. i have amazing children who keep me running and going. i enjoy them so much at the stage they are in in their lives. zedekiah is finishing up his first year of junior high, and has grown so much this year, he has been a joy to talk with, all of a sudden he is capable of these conversations that are exciting and meaningful, and he is starting to think of his future more, he is trying to learn the guitar, for future use at calvin crest and school and church worship. he has found a spiritual leader at school, and i approve, though it scares me where that desire may take him, and how that could affect our relationship. but, i am so proud of him, he went way out of his comfort zone this year, running for student council, playing tennis, and having a few girlfriends. tynin, is almost out of the girl stage, having grown over two inches since christmas and her shoe size passes mine, she looks older and older each day, her grades are perfect, and she is learning to let go of destructive friendships, something that took me forever to learn, she is strong and beautiful, and for the first time ever, she is very cuddly with me, and wants to be around me more, it is a dream come true for a mother. callista is still a tiny little thing, and worrying about my ten year old weighing only 50 pounds has now been erased, she joined the track team at school and ran the 1500 race, and on saturday she went to the valley championship meet, outlasting all the other runners at her school, and she placed 7th out of 12 in the whole valley! if she wasn't healthy, she couldn't have achieved that, so i am officially done stressing about her gaining weight. she has blossomed in track, as it was her first thing that her siblings had not done before her, and it was nice for her to have that "first" feeling for once. i love my kids and they keep me young and happy. dave and i have been up and down and all around lately. not sure where we are headed, but i don't really want to talk about this now. i miss my friends, and some of the people that i consider my friends, i am rethinking, because i feel like i get hurt by them, they make fun of me and i feel too old to have to be subjected to that. i am looking for a change in my future, and that is weighing heavily on me, but i keep going. this past weekend i was in hermosa beach for the avp tournment, it was cold and fun, lots of drama with the other people that we went with, so today i am feeling exhausted and run down. this is the last week of school and i am so thrilled that i could do a jig. i am looking forward to seeing a bunch of movies and laying by the pool. plus camp, which is a little more stressful this year. but, that's what i have been doing, being a mom, running around and trying to figure out where to go next.

easter week

2007-04-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

well, it is easter week. yippee! can't even begin to tell you how shitty it has been already. i decided to write this update so those of you that those of you who have called me could know that i am still alive and kicking. no offense to anyone, but i haven't been much in the talking mood this week, and i am not trying to dog anyone, it just takes too much energy. sorry. the week started off with a bang, went to the doctor and had lots of labs done. it was the big cancer scare, but the tests came back today and were ok. that's good. but last night, i took dave to dinner and we had the talk that if i did have cancer i would not do any preventive care, like surgery or chemo, nothing. when he asked me why, i flat out said, i am alone now, i don't want to be sick and alone. and told him it would be my way out. but, lucky for him, i don't have cancer, and i now have no way out. then there is drama with my brother and his wife, that i frankly do not have any desire to deal with. it started because of things their kids did to mine at my parents house and i confided in my mom, big mistake, now they are constantly calling and wanting to yell and bitch at me. i don't want this this week. today, was a day of highs, with the test results being good, and then lows with dave getting an exposed nerve in his tooth and being in agony, the dentist is scheduling him for a emergency root canal in the morning and told him to choose either pain pills or alcohol, but dave has chosen both, i have never ever seen him take so many shots in my life, and the last time we went through this tooth crap he nearly died and i called 911. so, i am not too happy right now as he is puking his guts out in the bathroom and i am scared he will stop breathing again. then my dad called and apparently my mom got scammed today and gave out all of their personal info over the phone and some guy has already attached himself to two of their credit cards and is probably opening more as we speak, and dave couldn't take care of it since he was in pain. i am so tired and so emotionally overwhelmed right now, and do not know how to set boundaries at all. guess i should have finished that book! well, hopefully soon i will start answering the phone again. hope everyone is having a great week.

dear.....

2007-03-29T01:47:00.000-07:00

Dear George, Cindy, Shannon, Beth, Katherine, Jordan, Susan, Karo, Bryan, Laura, Mel, Ginny, Jaime, Brad, Luke, Shannon R., Corrina, Sharon, Ron, Tony, Cory, Lyndsay, Kelli and please forgive me if i forgot anyone; I need to take a moment and express my gratitude for all of the time, and prayers and friendship that you have all offered me at some point on my journey. Each of you played a part in my healing process. Each of you brought a different point of view to how I viewed life, God, love and myself. I know that I was difficult, that I was moody and that at times I was stand-offish and bitchy. I was learning, every second of every time we spent together, I was learning. How to be, how to act, how to treat others, how to let others treat me, how to treat myself, and how to love God and others. I learned that I was a part of introducing some of you to others, and that now some of you have incredible bonds and friendships that far exceeded what I had with you, and that is great, I am grateful that awesome people that I trusted found other awesome people that I trusted and that bonds were made. I am not saying that I don't feel jealous sometimes, cause that would be a lie. But, a few years ago, I was incapable of feeling jealous, so that is a plus, to have that in my ever growing list of emotions. I saw many horrible things in my life, and still have to deal with the pain of those, each day brings about some sound or smell or sight that triggers that, in fact a few weeks ago, I actually met a guy whom I had hurt in my heyday. But, the thing that he said was; after showing me a scar on his arm that I made, that I scared him and he never ventured back. But, anyways; I did see some horrible things, but in our times together I saw beautiful things, and heard them and smelled them and sensed them. I felt safe, which I rarely do, I felt accepted, even though I kept my guard up, I felt joy and anticipation, I felt like I belonged somewhere. You all had a part of that. I have had a rough year this past year, and I do not know where my journey will go next, but tonight, I wanted to thank you all for what you gave to me, you made a difference, you obeyed God, you loved the unlovable parts of me, and I am forever grateful. I know that i blog a lot and it can come across as me placing blame for the prayer family ending, and i in no way intended for it to come across that way, I know that I made a huge decision, that was my fault, and although it hurts me at times, I know that I choose it. So, my apologies if I have ever offended any of you with my blogging. When I blog, I need to purge my thoughts, and I go nuts on the keyboard, I don't always think or proofread what i write, I just want it out of my head. I know that I have hurt some of you or perhaps all at one point or another, and I am truly sorry. I never meant to cause hurt to the very people that were trying to help me. I know that some or all of you could care less if you ever heard or saw me again, and I hope that you know that you still made an impact in my life, and I am sorry and hope that you can let go of any bitterness towards me. I know that some or all of you don't trust me and I apologize for that, I don't know if I could do anything about that since I have issues with trust and am very guarded and prickly. I do apologize if this makes you uncomfortable with me. I think that I have learned a great deal the past few years and am a better mother because of it. I wish you all a very full and blessed life, and I just wanted to say thank you for all you did to help me. You mean the world to me, and I blessed to have known you. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

which end is up?

2007-03-17T01:45:00.000-07:00

which end is up? which way to turn? which path to take? which bridge to burn?
where did all the safety go? where is all the love?
my head is splitting, by heart is shriveling up, my soul is trapped in a hole.
i know longer hope, or dream or wish or plan or think.
i only want it all to end, i only want an explanation, an answer to the hurt.
i know i can't continue on, the journey is too hard and long.
i know i needed help, i know for awhile i had it, and then just like they said,
loneliness again is my friend,
no one but me needs to complete this journey,
no one but me must feel the pain,
no one but me cares if i make it,
no one but me is tired of the shame,
still i thought i should try to keep going,
try to be whole and complete,
what i got for all my effort is
sorrow and defeat.
i have ruined the parts inside of me
that saved my very life,
have wounded them more than a dozen men did,
and that hurts me so badly, so deeply, so completely,
i wish i could take it all back,
and live in the oblivion i knew
they all had their jobs, their likes and projects,
and i screwed it all up.
they told me from the time i could walk
that they were going to be there for me,
that no one would believe me
no one would care
no one would stay or love me
my head believed them
just knew it was true
but my heart kept me hoping and dreaming
now my heart knows that my mind was smart
that it was right all along
it's not just the time as all christians say
that they can't be there all of the time
it is the fact that when the novelty wears off
or not enough progress is made
one by one they exit
a different excuse each time
they leave and swear that they aren't abandoning me
but really they already had
i leave them too
or try to
but each day
i remember
the cheese and olives so lovingly prepared
the way he hid my food at in n out
the socks and crayons wrapped like gold in my closest that only can be used at certain times
the sound of angels coming from the guitar
the way i felt when i saw a tear glisten in the darkness off of her cheek
the way that i felt every week
first terror, then nervous, then angry that i needed them so much, then so happy to hear them laugh and then safe and then peace
it is gone
my fault completely
i take the blame
i trusted too much
loved good people that were out of my league
i wanted to impress them
to include them as friends
to have them as a safety net
i didn't know how to act
i tried and failed
and now easter is here
i am scared, really, really scared
i don't know how to make it through this
and i have no fight left
no hope
no desire
i am tired
and i don't know if i can live
knowing that i am a failure
and can't be anything else
i don't know where to turn
where to look
ok, of course, god, don't send me stuff saying how god will fix everything
because he very specifically told me how to find healing
how to have memories
how to find him
how to love
and learn
and grow
i know to look to him
i did
and then i screwed it up
so now i have
this

my new injury

2007-03-10T00:15:00.000-08:00

ok, so i have a new injury, it is so humiliating! we got a wii about a month ago, and i love that stupid thing, i have never been into video games at all, except the first year of marriage when dave and i pulled all-nighters playing golden axe on the sega genesis! but this wii thing is great, except for that my arms don't work for days after i play. i am quite accomplished at bowling, but after i couldn't brush my hair, i switched to boxing, which made me realize that i have many many muscles in my arms that have never ever been used, and would like to remain dormant. it is so addicting, but i need to be able to get food and drink and do some grooming, so i must take a break. if you ever want to experience this "fun" drop by, my kids are good at all of it and we have four controllers so that doubles tennis is a must. but, man.....my arms HURT!

callista is 10!

2007-03-09T23:58:00.000-08:00

my baby, my last born, is in the double digits! i feel so old, and a little sad that it has gone so quickly. this weekend is birthday party extravaganza! she brings me so much joy! happy birthday callista!

oh wow, i didn't know.

2007-02-16T00:46:00.000-08:00

oh wow! i read the last blog entry and was so emotional about what i read! i had no idea! this past year has been hard, probably emotional and mentally and spiritually the single hardest i have ever encountered, mainly because i have actually dealt and felt the emotions. but, i will say that i would repeat many horrible years in my life, but not this past one! i think that lately i am beginning to understand why it hurts so much and why it doesn't feel like it will ever heal. i think that it is because, it was something different, something i had never really experienced before, complete truth, complete freedom, complete acceptance and unconditional love, and then it was gone, it took me a long time to get there, it was an experience i didn't have too long, and unlike the rest of my life, which i had been going through since birth, it was new and it was hard to understand how something that was working, going well, was so bad and wrong. i am learning, and trying to forgive, trying to try new things to make it through the day and mostly the nights, i am not doing well with the whole of the system, it has crashed and burned and not very healthy at the present, but i am getting up each day and attempting to reach my goal, i am trying to regroup, rebuild and not hold on to bitterness and abandonment. so, when i read leia's post i was floored, i tried to talk to her, but she fell apart, she says she has regrets, and she says that with the screwed up system it is just a like waiting for an explosion after the fuse is lit. it hurts me, i feel so responsible for their pain, for putting false hopes and dreams in their heads, i can't take back what happened, can't erase that memory from my mind, but i wish that i could comfort or make it better. if it weren't for leia, i wouldn't be here today, that is a proven fact, so her pain is very difficult for me. i don't know what to do or say, usually she would be the one i went to for this type of advice, my heart is breaking tonight, and the weirdest thing to me is that actually it is breaking for "me". this is so confusing!

leia writes....

2007-02-14T00:59:00.000-08:00

i haven't written for a long long time. i haven't done much of anything for awhile now. but, inside my logical mind, things are constantly brewing and bubbling over and i find that tonight i can no longer pretend and I can no longer hold in the feelings and since i have lost everyone of any significance in my life, this is my outlet. my sounding board, my shoulder to lean on. how very sad! I have so much inside of me, trying to get this out, sounding like a sane person is a wish at this point, for I know that I will ramble, and bitch and probably not make sense to anyone outside of my brain, but that is how it is and will be so; too bad. Friday was a hard day for me, for a lot of us "pieces", if you will, it was our "dads" birthday and debbie decided that she would take a chance and try to see him in a neutral setting, at his job, with lots of witnesses around to verify that she was not doing anything immoral or perverted. She had pondered whether or not she should do this and felt like it was something she really wanted to do, despite repeated protests from me. So, while she felt like she was honoring and respecting someone who had done so much for her, I literally wanted to slash my wrists from the pain it seemed to inflict on my usually logical brain. You see, I don't get it, I have tried, I have examined every view point, and while certain things make sense to me and probably make sense to people who only view things two-dimensional, to me I don't get it. Why is God so unfair, cruel and unjust? Oh and please before you start to lecture me on how I know this isn't the case, and how much God loves me, stop....most people we have met, have at one point or another complained about how the "church" or " christians" have hurt them, how ministry has disappointed them, do you ever think that maybe it is because we all try to do things in "our" time, not in God's time? Not one person that has sworn their loyalty to seeing us complete healing, has managed to stay and see it to completion. It always turns into, it's taking too long, i need to find something to fulfill this new knowledge i have, i want to help more people than just you, whatever.... their is always something else. and not just me, lots of people in our sitution tell me the same thing. a few, three as of last count, have succeeded in killing themselves. but, i digress... the thing is on friday, i wanted to be happy, about the 15 minutes we were to see our dad. i really did! i went in with an agenda, to let as many pieces visit and see that he was not dead, and that he was happy. i came up and immediately went back down and shut the door. i fell to my knees and fought off the sickness i felt wrenching in my gut. the tears fell and hatred coursed through my veins. i didn't like how i felt or who i was at the moment, but it hurts and it hurts like no pain i know. i see seri, blindly waiting to be rescued from her "job" , i hear amanda asking me if i memember where her daddy went, i stand yelling at paige to let it go, that she is not being taken down from that tree, and her whimpering and pleading are making us all crazy, she will not listen, so every night, she waits, for him to lift her out of that tree. but the thing is, this stuff, i am used to, i have kept this body going for years and years, i have seen the worst of the worst, and covered up horrible secrets to continue on. the thing that sucked, that took my logical head and blended it in a blender, whipping into a frenzy my emotions, is that this time, this day, this birthday on a friday, i looked at dad, not logically, but as a ten year old, who is tired of trying, who has passed exhaustion and who longed for the strong arm around the shoulder, that i used to push away, i dreamed of that arm, divided by pillows and never looking in the direction of the love, i wanted it more than i have ever wanted anything in my life, and i realized that it would never be. i could not take back the hundreds of times i pushed that arm off. and i would never be given the chance to do it again. forevermore, i am stuck in limbo, with no relief from my conducting, no relief from the screaming and crying, no relief, no help, no love, nothing, this is it. once again, if i had only been able to persuade her that logically it was too good to be true, and that we shouldn't trust, shouldn't open up, shouldn't set ourselves up for the pain and abandonment. i didn't try hard enough, and now we all ache, pain to the very core, and it doesn't appear to be going away ever, this is it, and so happy birthday dad, i couldn't say it then, but, i wanted you to know. LEIA

life goes on

2007-02-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

life goes on and on and these days it seems to be a little easier to take. i haven't written for awhile, on purpose, things got to a point that i needed to not be on the computer and so i haven't emailed much and haven't blogged either. long story short; my life got to a point where i couldn't take it anymore, things got drastic, i went as far as getting and filling out divorce papers, that was a huge wake up call for both dave and i, i realized that if i was willing to cause devastation to my kids and do something so severe that i was not in a good place, and dave had to really come to terms with how this marriage was progressing. so far i have not filed the papers with the courts, but have put them away for the time being, we have decided to take things on a day to day basis and that is much easier than having expectations that are too high. the one great thing that came from all of this is that dave and i have been doing some marriage tests or whatever they are called, and basically the only way they help is by being completely honest, which even though we both thought we had been doing, we realized that we have many areas in our lives that we don't say the very core issue that we feel, we say the nice thing that won't stir the pot. i learned more about my husband in a few hours of this than i have in years, his biggest regrets, his goals, his passions, where i have failed, where he has, how are parents affected the kind of spouse we are, it was so enlightening to me, to both of us. we learned how we deal with problems in the marriage, i tend to just take the marytr role and he plays the stupid card, those are not my terms, but from this marriage thing. i will say that things are not perfect, and they are still hard, but i feel like we are learning and now that we got to that boiling point, we aren't afraid of saying the wrong thing to make ourselves heard, we just want to be honest and even if it hurts it is working so much better! i am skeptical, and scared but i also want to pour myself into not just staying married, but doing it so that happiness and joy are there as well. the one area that is most evident is in the kids, he finally told me that he gets jealous of the time i spend with the kids and how much i do for them, i have tried to focus more on him when he gets home and he in turn has taken on a bigger role with the kids, so that situation is a win-win. i am moving forward cautiously, but hopeful. it is the hardest thing i have done, in a long long time. with a little setback last week, as all three kids and then finally myself got a horrid case of the stomach flu! it was horrible! dave managed to not get it, and i am still tired and worn down, but not puking. i am looking to making even more changes and learning and growing and trying to move ahead. this is a new beginning and i want to make sure that i put as much into this as i have into all the other areas in my life. i need to learn to ask for things correctly, to listen, and to be willing to put my kids needs or wants on the back burner if it interferes with my spouse. its a lot to tackle, but so far i am liking the results. now, if i could just figure out how to make the memories stop, i would be on top of the world!!!!

do i really want to belong?

2007-01-18T23:32:00.000-08:00

do i really want to belong to the bigger picture? am i satisfied to stay in my cave and be lonely but safe? this past year has been the worst i have had since i was 21 and left my previous life behind. i know that i should be turning to god, to learn to be in his prescence again and feel like i belong there. i simply can't, that is the honest truth. i have tried to let go of pain, to let go of regrets, to let go of fear, of shame, of guilt, of pride, of anything that i can to get there. i thought if i gave it time that it would get easier, but it has only gotten harder. each night i am absolutely tortured by remembrances from the past, and through all that i went through, my anger is time and again directed; not at the people that inflicted the pain, but of the people who i reached out to who heard my cries for help and turned a deaf ear because they were uncomfortable. how fucked up is that?! it makes no sense to me logically, they only thing that i know is that i did things that i would never have known to do without years of coaching, and i feel deep inside that a lot of people that hurt me did so because they didn't know better. i keep thinking that somewhere, somehow, some way i will finally reach the end of this journey and be whole and free, but lately that thought is a fleeting one. i have read things that other friends write in their blogs, and i am puzzled by how absolutely freaking ridiculous people can be! i thought that blogs were about writing from the heart, about getting things out that are infecting your innards, about being completely fucking honest with the feelings you have, and yet.... people take things so personally and attack innocent feelings, and it makes me physically sick to my stomach. some of these people are the few that i would seek out in times of need, they are the ones that i think of when i awaken at night covered in sweat not sure where i am. but in reading the shit that people say to them, i shy further away from reaching out to these people, i don't want to be a bother, i don't want to add to their load. so, maybe i belong in the solitude of my cave, alone and miserable, but not hurting anyone or being hurt by anyone. fuck the world! i don't think that people will be able to hide behind their falsehoods and masks forever, can't we just be real? isn't that what the whole point of what i have been striving for, to be real, to be who i am, no alters, no bullshit? where then do i learn how to do this? why is pain and shame and guilt and crap so much easier to live in than to throw aside? sorry that i am pissy, i am just disgusted and angry and really really pissed off at mainly christians tonight, and want to find peace but don't want to join their ranks. this is just about me, don't take it personally and write evil comments to me. i am just hurting and want the fucking pain to end. that's it!

is it ever going to get better?!

2007-01-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

is it ever going to get better?! i have had a really awful last couple of days, weeks, months, whatever.. on christmas eve dave bought me the puppy of my dreams, a long-haired chihuahua, it was adorable, however on christmas day, it got sick, so after only actually having the dog for 20 hours, we took it to the vet er, and in three days, had lost the dog and a whole lot of money. parvo. it was pretty rough. the vet told us that we should get a dog that was vaccinated for parvo and that it should be ok, the next day we got another puppy, cuter than before and healthy. the first week, he was great, just what i needed in my life, something to be a companion for me, after the first week, this puppy got sick, we got him medicine and i proceeded to give him that medicine every hour all day and night for 8 days straight. he died in my arms yesterday morning. i thought i would be ok, i carefully cleaned and packed away all the dog items i had come to purchase the last few weeks, took care of the body, and went to sleep, i have not slept more than 45 minutes at a time in over a week. dave was hunting and the kids were at school, and i was ok, then dave got home, and i lost it. this sweet one pound puppy had made all the difference in the world to me in the short time i had him, he would curl up in my hair with his nose in my neck at night to sleep, when nature woke him, he would wake me with a paw to the forehead or a lick on the nose. it had been a goal for me to get a puppy, one that was mine, not the kids, that would be there to listen to my late night ramblings, or to hold on to when scared or remembering, one to keep me company. dave is gone so much, really i didn't think it could get worse than before, but it is constant, now he switches his days off to go hunting during the week, so he works on the weekends a lot. it sucks! but in december, he almost died in my kitchen, and i was fully aware of many things, but mostly, i have retreated into myself and am looking for ways to not be bitter at his apparent lack of concern with my companionship and abandonment issues, i just want him to be happy, i want him to live life to the fullest, that incident changed me in good ways and bad. when he got home yesterday, i fell apart, not one hour after he got home, he was on the phone making plans to go hunting again tomorrow and the next weekend, all of a sudden a wave of hollowness and pain engulfed me, i missed that puppy, i needed that puppy! the night before he died, i was home all alone, just me and gizmo, the kids spent the night at the in-laws after awana ,and dave for whatever reason left for hunting at 11pm. i held my sick puppy, and marveled at how that tiny thing had made me unafraid, and not lonely. it was easier to not curse my husband and my life when i had something else to love,. i have felt so much loss this past year, i have felt like i have lost almost everyone i ever cared about. really, even the friendships i still have, are changed and time limits make it seem like i am always alone. when i lost that puppy, i just became overwhelmed with the sense of loss. i was again alone. i had lost someone else i loved. i feel like i am cursed and marked. today, i woke up to callista puking, and then dave locked his keys in the car with it running, and couldn't find the extra key, i had to jump up and run the other kids to school, in a car that was frozen, they were late and tynin starting crying, because for her a tardy is the worst thing that has ever happened to her. then i realize that on tuesday i filled the car with gas, dave took it hunting yesterday and now the gas light is on, and i don't have cash or the card, because dave is now in charge of finances and i am not allowed. well, supposedly he is to give me money each week, but so far, nothing. i am so done with this life, and the pain and loss it brings. i feel like i am in hell. really

a new year begins

2007-01-01T02:26:00.000-08:00

so here it is the beginning of a new year. a time to look back and reflect on what happened in the year ending and to project forward to a new time ahead. i can honestly say that i am thrilled that 2006 is over. it has been a trying and long year for me. i am full of regrets and sadness over this past year. i have felt tremendous loss this past year in many many circumstances, i feel like i have gone through deaths in the amount of loss i feel, people moving away, people leaving my life or me leaving theirs, moving in different directions than others, it has just been a sucky year. i am hoping that in 2007 that i can rebound, reconnect, rebuild or restart on things that need to change in my life. i have a lot of pain here lately, the depression that continues to haunt me is severe right now, and i need to figure out a way to rid myself of some inner demons. i think this may be the year i make huge changes in my life, but maybe not, i haven't decided. but whatever the case, i am trying to decide if i can continue living the way i have been or if i need something drastic to rearrange my thinking. today, well actually yesterday was a time of reflection and tears and sorrow for me, i hope when i wake up that i can see with a clear mind all that i need to do to start on a fresh path. my hope and prayer for everyone is that you will discover all that you need to this coming year to make it the best one ever! love to all!

disneyland, my favoritest place on earth

2006-12-27T13:32:00.000-08:00

we had the absolute best time! it was freezing but so much fun!

the christmas cards have not been sent so......

2006-12-16T15:21:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM US TO YOU!!!! HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

all grown up

2006-12-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

my baby turned 11 yesterday. i can't believe it! it seems like she was just born and now she is this amazing young woman. she is enjoying life, as much as she does, dance, volleyball, cross country, soccer, cheerleading, and maintains straight a's in school. i am in awe of the woman she is becoming. i hope and pray that this year brings her much joy, happiness and peace.

it's december already!!!!

2006-12-05T12:49:00.000-08:00

it's december already!!!!!!!!! the time seems to fly by. i get up in the morning, do my thing, and go to bed in the late hours of the night, only to be awoken by my alarm to start all over again. it is amazing to me, how many things i can cram into one day. lately, i have been totally overwhelmed and feel like i am glad the days are going by so quickly. i feel a total hollowness in my life right now, and please don't start preaching that i need to fill it with jesus, because i am fine in that arena right now. it is a great pat answer, but that is not what i am needing at this point. i feel his love, and am confident in that, my problem is that i i am feeling no love or acceptance anywhere else. i am so tired of feeling like i have to scream to get anyone to talk to me or to even notice i am in the room. i wish so much that it wasn't this way. i enjoy my alone time, what little of it i get, it seems to be my stability at this time. i savor the quietness and the amount of stuff i can accomplish without a bunch or people around. i hope that soon will be bringing more joy to me. even christmas seems hard this year, and it usually brings me so much joy, and hope. the one thing that i have to look ahead to, is disneyland. the thought of that keeps me going some days. i hope tomorrow is brighter than today................

as i sit here thinking

2006-11-27T00:59:00.000-08:00

as i sit here thinking, i realize that i have some time to write. not that what i am going to write is in anyway positive or uplifting to my fellow man, but it does seem theraputic to my soul to get it out, so i am writing. this weekend was strange, went to my parents on thanksgiving, my mom is on oxygen fulltime and it is sad to see, she has always been like a gourmet chef, but this years meal was not up to her standards, that hurt me more than i thought it would. my ten year old nephew cried for almost two hours because he was told to put his shoes on, this created a lot of tension, then his parents screamed at each other in the back yard while david and i did the dishes and the kids were on a walk with my dad, then my dad got indigestion, which my mom kept saying was the first sign of a heart attack, then i got a migrane and decided to go home, the kids stayed and dave went back and got them, when he got home he decided to go to shannon's, i stayed home and watched survivor, around 10 pm, they called and persuaded me to go there too, i didn't want to go, but felt like i wanted to be with my family, an hour after i got there tynin threw up everywhere and i took her home, she threw up for a few hours and then fell asleep. in the morning, i got up and checked on her, she was perfectly fine, so i started packing for the family and cleaning the house, we were headed to cambria to see dave's mom and sister. the drive went smoothly, and we got there and ate a thanksgiving meal with his family and their friends, a lot different than with mine, because alcohol is served, and language is abused. dave's sister makes me crazy with her child rearing. i can barely stomach being around my niece, which is tragic! dave's mom got us a room at the cambria pines lodge, where his stepdad works, not just any room it was a two bedroom suite, two fireplaces, two bathrooms, a patio, plush, plush, plush, and she kept our kids at her house for the night, it had the kind of mattress that i have always wanted, that memory foam stuff, let me tell you, if i ever win the lottery, it will be my first purchase! i haven't slept that well in years and years. we stayed in the room until the last possible minute, and then went back to hang out, but his mom was pretty tired and urged us to go, so we left. we stopped for a bite in paso robles, and i almost killed us all on the freeway, it was really bad and scared us all. we made it home and i started cleaning and doing laundry, then shannon's kids came over, they had a party they had to go to. the kids were loud and hyper. i wasn't really in the mood for it, but it worked out ok. today, was a long day, mostly because there seems to be this huge chasm between dave and i and the bitterness he feels for me cannot fade even with a night at the pines in cambria. sometimes i swear that he hates me, that he looks for excuses to humiliate me. my main concern right now, is he has been drinking so much lately, to the point of puking. it used to happen, once or twice a year, maybe more on vacation, but lately he has gotten realy drunk every weekend and drinks every night. i know he is stressed, we are refinancing our home, his workload is doubled the next two weeks, and i hope that once that is straightened out he will stop the excessive drinking. i have spent a lot of time drying my tears today, it hasn't been good. i also want to say, in closing, i have jury duty tomorrow. welcome to my world.

giving thanks

2006-11-21T00:18:00.000-08:00

most days i struggle with feelings, whether they be of desperation or of elation. feelings are something relatively new to me, so i am not always fond of them when they arise. i will say that i am learning to control and enjoy them more with each passing day. the past few months, most of the emotions that i have felt have no joy involved, abandonment, sadness, isolation, loneliness, depression, you get the picture. not always, some days i live life to the fullest and enjoy each tiny moment of bliss. some days the emotions are quite bland, and i rather enjoy the dullness they bring, no highs or lows. one thing that i have become very conscious of the past few months is that i need to be grateful, to my core for each piece of happiness that i receive so in honor of thanksgiving i decided i would publicly declare my appreciation for these things. so, here in no particular order are the thing i am most grateful of...........................
my husband, david, who works hard to pay the bills and lives life to the fullest, with excitement and challenges and an exhuberance for life.
my son, zedekiah, who is learning how to become a man, and who amazes me with his heart, his mind and his creativity
my daughter, tynin, who pushes herself to exceed in every area in her life, who is fiercely loyal to her friends, and who has challenged me as a mother to reach a higher level
my daughter, callista, who has taught me to laugh, who shines when she enters a room, who gives and gives with no thought of what is in it for her
to my niece, kennedy, who has touched a place in my heart that will always yearn for her, who showed me that one person can make a difference in a childs life, and that i had the strength to stand up for a child and to shower her with love and in return was loved and needed.
my best friend, shannon, who has taught me that i am good enough to hang out with normal people, who makes me laugh with a look, who always gets "it" and never makes me explain, who i call on the commercials of our favorite shows to throw our two-cents in, who understands how much a new haircut can change a womans perspective
my dad, george, who taught me to trust, to love, to just let go and believe that he wouldn't let me fall, who opened my heart to let others in, who i miss terribly and try to show my honor and respect to in his absence
to my prayer group, who has driven many a mile, and stayed up long hours to get me through some tough times, who took me out of my comfort zone, but allowed me to enter a safe place, who have become more like family than church people, and who i admire, revere and miss.
to my kids teachers who have pushed and guided and comforted and nurtured my kids when they were in their care, who have given each child of mine a different love for something new this year,
to my blue couch, who has endured endless nights with me, swallowed up many of my tears, and watched more episodes of csi than i care to mention
to my laptop, the one object that i don't think i could live without, you have checked the kids grades, kept tabs on old friends, written to new ones, you hold pictures on the ones i love, and make cds of my favorite songs, you have let me bid on frivolous items, and kept tabs on my finances, thanks.
to my calvin crest family camp friends, you give me a reason to go on, something to look forward to, you make me feel like i am capable of a higher level of friendship, you check in on us and pray, you have made this time in my life more memorable.
to my porch friends, you have shared many a smoke and drink and conversation, sometimes, deep though provoking other times, light and hiliarious. you have slowly become people that i care deeply for and look forward to seeing. i have pushed myself to become more normal in hopes of being able to fit into your circle, and i finally feel like i have.
to walt disney, you have made my whole life bearable by your parks, movies, shows, and creations. you restore lost childhood innocence to this woman, and you create memories with my children that i will remember always
i am tired now, and dont feel like this list is complete, i of course thank god for giving me this life, not everyday, sometimes i question why, but that is not today. i hope that everyone takes a moment to remember what brings them joy and to be grateful, if only for a time. tis the season to be thankful, and today i am.

finally, an update

2006-11-17T10:58:00.000-08:00

finally, i have a minute to write an update. things have been pretty good since halloween ended. it is so strange to me how telling my kids certain things about my life has changed my relationship with them. tynin seems to have a new found respect for me. she even wrote a poem about me in class(i haven't read it, so i am projecting that it is a good thing). zed is ever changing his prayers to revolve around me. and callista just asks off the wall questions, about once a day. it seems like they have aged so much since then. it's weird. i have been so busy, it seems like i am on this path of making sure that i get busier and busier than the previous week. yesterday i left the house at 10:30am and didn't get home for twelve hours. i was just running and running. today i am worn out. i had a good friend, laura, give me this boundary book, thanks for that, and i think that i should write my own book, and call it being the best doormat alive. i cannot set or keep boundaries for anything. it makes me sad sometimes. i have been enjoying things, but still i have this depression that will all of a sudden rear up and take me out, it seems to happen a lot lately. i will be fine and then a wave hits me and i am crying and feeling like i have no way out. it sucks. things with dave are ok, not great. i struggle with how selfish he can be. little things hurt. if he is cold in the car he cranks the heater, but if i am cold, he will turn the heater off or worse open the window. that really irks me. i try to understand but again it escapes my thinking. i am hoping that by the holidays the depression will disappate if not it could be bad. i miss so many people and feel the void in my life from them being out of it. i am looking forward to next week as i dont have too many things to do. their is drama with the girls soccer team, we actually got disqualified and will not play the championship game. the girls are sad and i think it is horrid how adults ruin things for kids. i will try to do better on updating my blog. i rarely have a minute, but when i do i will try to write. miss you all!!!!!!!

oh man!

2006-10-30T23:23:00.000-08:00

oh man, oh man, oh man! That is how i am feeling right now. As many of you know, tomorrow is my most hated day of the year! ok, really, it is. and i have done a good job of protected my kids from the craziness that i feel each year at this time. well, wouldn't you know it, kids grow up and pretty soon, "i said so" is not an ok answer to life's issues. with the way things have gone for me this year, i decided that they were old enough to make the decision about dressing up for halloween up to them, first it was excitement, then it was doubt, then it was fun for a few days at trying to decide what to wear, then it was they didn't want to do it, and then it was wearing pajamas and slippers, and so on and so forth. well, today the kids were pestering and pestering us for more information as to why i hate halloween. every pat answer that we gave to them was not appeasing so they would tag team us for more info. finally, it got to the point where i looked at dave and we went outside and decided that we should inform them of some of the background of my life. so, we told them about the satantic cult and the abuse(minor things), we told them about halloween and we told them about a lot of things i really hoped i would never have to share with them. we didn't tell them about the mpd, we said things that my mind would protect me and that it would shut down the rest of my body, stuff like that. we didn't go into the horrible abuse, just surface things, we answered tons of questions, we asked them tons of questions. and an hour and a half past their bedtimes we were finished. it was almost a relief to me, in a weird sort of way. i feel like maybe now they will understand that i am not lazy and hate sports, that my body just doesn't work like it should because of my past. i told them that they never have to be afraid because we have prayed for their protection since before they were born. we told them not to share it with others, that we would talk about it or answer questions anytime. it was hard, but freeing. i am not sure what will happen between my kids and myself now, but i feel like i waited until they were asking, and that i was careful with what i said, and that i prayed and gave god the glory for my life as well as theirs. i hope and pray that they will be unafraid and continue to live for god. i got a lot of "i love you's" before they went to bed, which was nice on this night. tynin is still wearing pajamas, but callista who originally was the most excited at the thougt of dressing up, said no way she didn't want to and didn't care, and zed never wanted to. i hope that i did the right thing. only time will tell, but i think i did. only one and a half more days, just til the sun rises on wednesday, then maybe i can get some routine and normalcy back into my life.

and october keeps on a coming

2006-10-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

everyday i try to tell myself that it is almost the end of october and thus my life will return to some kind of normal. yes. everyday. today was no different. but as i have tried to communicate with people my whole life, october has it in for me. seriously. the past history of my life, bad things always happen in october. always and forever. this month alone, i have had the flu, so has every member in my family. i now am on the 9th day of a horrid cold, and on monday callista had the croup and today zed woke up with the croup. tynin injured her knee in volleyball. i got word today that my favorite aunt had a massive stroke, a few hours later she had passed away. she wasn't sick, just bam, dead. my mom went to the hospital today, she has been having a hard time breathing, the verdict was bad. pulmonary fibrosis, a terminal lung disease. i am not sure what to do, i cannot be around her, because i am still coughing up lung butter, and i feel like at any moment she could die. the best case scenario is her life will last 5 more years, that is not her, she is in the worst case arena. the girls soccer team has come under scruntiny lately and it is very ugly and i actually have lost sleep over it. we have had several checks bounce and be returned and that is so humiliating and hasn't been something that has happened to us in 13 years. today was so awful! i just want to feel better, i just want my kids to be well, i want my parents to be well, and i want this stupid month to be over with. oh, and both of my girls really want to dress up for halloween, well, they want to wear pajamas, so technically they are dressing up as themselves going to bed, i don't think they realize that i actually think i am ok with that. i hope that the rest of the month doesn't get worse! i don't know what else to expect. just a few more days........................

today i was strong

2006-10-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

today i was strong. it's not like i have never been strong before, but lately; i feel like i am paralyzed in my own mind and body. i have been unsuccessful in creating a novacaine for my feelings and emotions. things hurt, or rather, i hurt. i have felt this huge gaping wound from losing my mom when i was six. huge. it has affected everything i have done, or become in my life. a daughter, a wife, a friend, and a mom. i spent years being so terrified of loving my own kids because i always pictured my mom loving me so much and dying inside when she was seperated from me, i always thought that it was a matter of time before someone or something ripped my kids away from me. i was a cautious mother. it was that simple fact that led me to a friend, shannon, who seemed unafraid of loving her kids and showering them with affection. i told her i didn't want to be afraid to love anymore. she promised that she would help me find someone who could help me to learn to feel again. i truthfully thought she was delusional. i seemed to have done alright for myself without feeling too much. but the thought of being the kind of mom that i always dreamt that mine was, took over my mind and heart and i desperately wanted to love that way. at first i was scared, really scared, i felt vulnerable and weak, i wanted to run, but i wanted to give my kids the one thing i never had, a real mom who loved them no matter what, and i wanted them to be secure in that love, not to ever think it could be ripped away from them. it was so hard! some evenings were harder than others! i think that there were nights i would have rather died than "seen" what i did. i don't know why it happened that god led me to the people and the places he did, i don't know to this day, i figure by now i don't need to know. but i do remember vividly being around people and them telling me how fun i was and how scared of me that they used to be, and how i was closed up and mean, but now they felt like they could talk to me. at first, i admit it, i was so offended! yes, offended, that they would tell me how horrible i was, but after pondering the things that they said, i realized that it was the truth, i kept everyone at an arms length, i didn't want to get hurt. soon i was trusting people, and laughing with them, and looking forward to the hell i would go through just to be around these people. a lot of them have moved on with their lives, but i still remember nights with them vividly. every detail. swear! it is like i just saw them, but it isn't true, it has been a long time for some. i told myself that i would never give up, that until i had nothing left to remember i would go. i broke that promise to myself about a month ago. i didn't realize the pain i would feel in my heart and soul from letting myself feel. i didn't expect the pain to linger and lounge around freely on my heart. i thought i would hurt for a few days, and then i would move on, go back and face the newness of what i had to do. but, i didn't know. i didn't know that i would feel like i did when i was six, and my mom died, because 30 years later, that still hurts so deeply. i didn't know that by losing a "dad" that it would feel like death. i didn't know that i couldn't make the pain stop or even lessen. i didn't know that even thinking about the rest of my group would bring such terror to my soul. just trying to walk in without a father there. i didn't know. i honestly didn't. i would never had said that i would do anything. i never would have thought that i could be wounded that way at this point in my life. but, my point was that today i was strong. i don't get to go to therapy but like once a month anymore, bummer, and today i was sicker than a dog, and was going to cancel, when my doc suggested that a phone therapy session might work, and it was like two and a half hours! i finally opened up and expressed to him, that i don't know how to recover from losing this part of my life, and that i still don't feel recovered from losing my mom thirty years ago. i bawled like an infant. the pain was so intense that it scared me, and he said that i was strong and brave for admitting that i still hurt, that i was progressing because i didn't try to act all badass about the situation, but felt. he said there were no quick fixes to this, and a lot of other mumbo jumbo crap that shrinks always say. he said that he may have to get me on sleeping pills, because i am sleeping less and less and my immune system is shutting down. i told him that i would be sleeping next week sometime and not to worry. today i am strong, because i felt, it sucked and i didn't want to off myself. that is progress ladies and gentemen, however small, it felt huge today.

a little over a week left

2006-10-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

a little over a week of hell left. and for the second time this month i am sicker than a dog. not surprised really, just annoyed. i have been doing alright, considering the time of year. dave has actually stepped up and not done any extra things this month, but focused on being with me and keeping me safe. i think he knew that i was ready to return. and that is unacceptable to him. so, i am doing the best i can to not return to old ways and comfort. i have been so busy with kids and their activities and being sick that i don't have much down time to really plot out a return. i am missing friends, especially shannon this month. our relationship has changed a lot, since her new job, and her return to school. i rarely see her and feel like i have been replaced a lot of the time. i still love her and consider her my best friend, i just miss the old times. i have read a lot of blogs lately that are mainly about questioning how to be a "good" christian. this astounds me! like it is so hard to listen to the holy spirit and to just obey? i think that people are basically looking for a niche in their faith that fits into what they want to do, or have time to do, or feel comfortable doing. i don't think that they are really unsure about how to be a christian or a good one even, they just want props for doing what they want to do. i am guilty of this as well. i get so bent at other christians that i don't feel like trying or even doing. i have seen god work through people and then the devil enters and screws it all up and then they seek out a different way and ignore what the holy spirit is putting on their hearts, because it isn't comfortable or it doesn't fit their time frames. are we really wanting god to put time constraints on our faith? do we expect him to work at certain times, or to take in to consideration our fears and only put things in front of us that feel nice? i don't know, i told you; i have so much confusion and questions this month that i don't know, i am searching as well as everyone else. it just seems that it shouldn't be up to us. in the coven we didn't get a choice, if you were in, than you obeyed and followed the protocol, in the church, they never get enough volunteers, their is always an end time, and their is not room for new and sometimes scary events that free people. i see and read so much about reaching the lost, but wake up; the christians are lost, the whole lot of them, i have never seen so much pain and shame in my life. we need to start healing from within our "group" before we bring more people in to abandon them when their needs are too great. let's start listening and being there for other christians, let's start a movement to bring the shame and guilt out of hiding, let's make "church" a place where we don't have to hide. let's not judge, or at least let's not make ourselves believe that if we have a need we are a bad christian. let's not reach out but let us reach in. this is so ridiculous! we need to become whole and free and redefine what church is. we need to stand up and say, i am hurting, i have needs and questions and i still want to serve god, but i am scared because no one is standing beside me. praying for each other is great, listening is better, and action is required. and no i am not medicated and ranting, just ranting. i am scared for my children, i don't want them churched in a place where they cannot feel pain and question god and be loved. i am sick of the hiding and the pretending that everything is swell. bullshit! i see the people that love god, the pastors, and youth workers with abandonment issues and shame and guilt, i see the teachers with pain hidden behind a smile, i see the lies that we tell ourselves that say we are not good christians because we don't close our eyes when we pray, or that we hate a certain worship song, so we must be bad. be honest, seek out anothter christian, admit your fears your pain your shame your guilt, talk about what your life is like daily and how much of your day your spend thinking about your faults, and your shortcomings, and then allow yourself to become broken, and realize that it isn't instant. you will hurt and struggle for a long time. but, you will find a new, better, real relationship with god, with christians, and with yourself. ok, i know, you are all wishing that october would end so i would shut the hell up. and maybe i will, and maybe this is just the beginning. not trying to make friends with my opinions, just trying to figure things out for myself.

and the word for today is..........confusion

2006-10-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

ok, so there is no other word to describe what i am going through except, confusion. i spend a lot of time second guessing myself, third guessing myself and so on. october is horrible for me, and this month there happened to be a friday the 13th thrown in the mix. i spent so much of that day, wishing for an escape. i spent tuesday wavering between going to the barkers and in the end decided that i couldn't stomach any more confusion. i have heard from my daughters how much they hate this time of year because everyone asks them what they will be for halloween and they hang their heads and say that they aren't allowed to dress up. tynin especially seems so traumatized by this. it hurts me deeply. i spent tonight debating with my husband, if it was truly worth putting my kids through this any longer, standing up for something i believe in, when it doesn't make sense to them. will they resent me later in life? does it really matter anymore? i used to have such strong convictions about this type of thing, but as of late, i don't know that i care. i have even been invited to a costume party, not on halloween but still, is it any different? dave thinks that we should explain our aversion to halloween to the kids and then let them decide for themselves if they want to dress up. i feel like i don't want to explain anything to anyone ever again. what is the point? i feel like i have more questions than answers from god right now. i feel like i started something that had no end. i question whether or not i want my kids to go to a christian school or to church. i will confess that when i saw some coven members watching me, watching my girls play soccer, i felt a sense of pride because tynin played so well on saturday. maybe they saw it? i hoped secretly. they used to be a big part of my life, and for reasons that somedays i understand, and somedays i don't; i threw them out of my life. yet, each time i turn around they are there; begging to be let back in. and on the other hand, i miss friends, but feel like i am the one doing the begging; please help me, please let me learn how to heal. i don't know which way to turn anymore. dave is deeply disturbed, because everyday, i tell him, i don't care anymore, i give up, let's celebrate halloween, let's decorate and hand out candy, let's dress up. he is scared. maybe he should be, but maybe i have been duped into thinking that where i came from was the "bad place". maybe i have always been confused about their role in my life. i seem to have made it way further in life with those people, some physical pain, but i didn't know that at the time, in fact i didn't know it until i met christians who wanted to save me. yet, confusion is all i know right now. i want to be clear headed. i want understanding. i want to not be the bane in peoples lives. i want to not push things onto my kids that might not be so bad after all. so, i wait for answers, that need to come soon, i need to know what to do.

heeeere's october

2006-10-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

so, october is here. by far my favorite month of the year. it arrived, with a vengeance. everyone in my family has had the flu this past week, every day someone new was puking and crapping. today, i think it may finally be over. dave was the last to get it, and he told me that he is going to work tomorrow. but, at the same time, callista, who was the first to have it, told me her stomach hurt before bed. i have to say, that as far as october's go, this one is by far the worst, since probably i was 21. really. i have lost all control over my desires to continue living. it is so against what i have worked for for the past few years. perhaps, i put too much of myself into becoming, whole and free, and left nothing for the reserve times. I don't know. all i know is that everyday is such a challenge for me, so painful and so full of urges to be places i don't belong and do things i have no business doing. it is hard to be in a loveless marriage, with three beautiful children that i brought into this world. i want what is best for them, but right now, i don't think i am it. my hugest dilemma is that i cannot bear the thought of leaving them to dave. he has no time or desire to be a parent. his biggest concern right now is finding time to fit tri-atalons, climbing, and hunting into his schedule every week. he told me that if i get a job on the weekends, that he will sign the kids up to do a tri-atalon, as a team. and that they can wait for him to finish after they are done. what the hell is that?! each day my resentment towards him grows bigger and more defined. i feel as if somedays i will implode from trying not to blow up at him. he lives in his own little world, and has recently told me that i have an aversion to all things fun. and if i didn't i would love that he has so many hobbies. he must have been valedictorian at bullshit university! who says that kind of shit? i live in a numbness right now, maybe i will wake up after halloween, and have feeling again. maybe i won't make it to halloween and the suffering will just cease. maybe, i will learn to create the ultimate fun person who loves to be alone and is so proud to have a husband that never wants to be with his wife and kids. that would solve a lot of problems. my thoughts, are what they are, and i am not here to write cutesy flowery shit, i feel like shit and so that is what i will write, it is all i can get out. sorry

no more please god!

2006-09-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

no more please god!
not another day.
not another hour,
not another minute.
the pain eats away at me,
chiseling bits and pieces of my sanity away.
i can't function anymore
i have no more fight.
no more desire
no more hope.
i just want to die.
let me breathe my last.
let me be free of pain,
once and for all.
let it be over with.
not another second.
i beg of you.
take this pathetic life from me.
i don't know how to use it
i don't want to have it anymore.
i have nothing to give to you.
i have nothing to offer anyone anymore.
branded
for life,
it won't be lifted.
how can it?
it is who i am.
so please god.
no more

relieved is a dirty word

2006-09-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

relieved is a dirty word to me.
i remember her blood on my hands,
i can't remember if she had yet stopped breathing,
but i will never forget
roger leaned over to me
and said
i am just so relieved that "she" will never have to see "you" again.
i was six.
the only other time i can recall ever hearing that word
was when my dad would excuse himself to go relieve himself.
so i figured it was something dirty.
throughout my life i have heard the word
relieved
used many times when describing something about me.
my parents, sitting in the hospital waiting room
after i miscarried from a drug overdose,
told me how relieved they were that i would not be having a child.
my school principal told me how relieved he was that i would not be returning
my senior year to his school.
my best friends parents told me how relieved they were
that their daughter would no longer be seeing me.
the list is endless....
really it is
today i heard that word used to describe me again.
" she is so relieved that i won't be seeing you, that that part of my life is over"
it hurt so deep.
so incredibly deep.
i came into this world
branded
named
and shamed.
people cannot understand why i have such a rough exterior.
why i cannot trust.
to me it is simple,
everything i touch
turns to utter shit.
once people find out about me,
they run.
they act as if it has nothing to do with me,
believe me i have heard every excuse in the book.
but it is the honest people who
are so relieved to be free of me,
that's who i believe.
abandonment is a dark and lonely hell.
it is the single most important obstacle that i had wanted to conquer in my lifetime.
to be able to not fear
relationships
friendships
hugs,
to be able to welcome people in my life,
and be fine when they have to part.
but,
i have not beaten this demon in my life.
it is always there,
reminding me that i am not worth anything,
that people are relieved to finally be free of me.
don't try to explain that away with niceties and bullshit.
it is what it is
i am a despicable creature
and you should all be relieved to be free of me.
i don't blame you.
it is what it is.

an open letter to my prayer family past and present

2006-09-24T01:15:00.000-07:00

to my dearest prayer family past and present,
i expect that most of you knew this was coming. i wanted to believe that it wasn't. i am not going to lie to you, nor am i going to try to make this any different than i feel it has to be. i know that i am risking a lot by doing this. i know that most of you will argue that i am making a huge mistake. and truthfully, i am not sure that i'm not. all i know is that for now, maybe forever, i am no longer going to be going to prayer. i love all of you, i know that i will probably lose a lot of you in my life because you disagree with this decision. i am going to have to accept that. i don't have to like it, but i will accept it. each of the people that have come into my life and assisted me on my path to healing, mean the world to me, each of you have brought something different and needed to my journey. even if i have not known you as long as some others, because of my "condition" i feel like I have known you since my childhood. it is extremely difficult to explain my decision without sounding like a spoiled whiny brat, which i very well could be. at this point and time, my life is hanging in the balance. my marriage is non-exsistent, financially we are worse off than our first year of marriage, my health isn't great, extremely busy being a mom, my therapy has been cut from once a week to once a month, feeling extreme loss at losing george, i could continue for a long time. right now in my life i feel like i am in a crossroads, i feel like i need to move forward and figure things out. i also know that i feel more fragile and more vulnerable and empty than i have in many many years. i spend most nights, crying and praying that i don't fall asleep so that i don't have to remember things. i spend the days mourning the place my life has landed, and my afternoons running with three precious kids, and the evenings praying that my husband will talk to me. part of the reason i think my healing was on the fast track was that i truly believed that someone cared about me and wanted to be a part of my life, not just of my healing moments. i had interaction with him outside of ministry time, emails, calls, just a quick hello are you doing ok. when i asked him to quit coming on tuesday nights, i asked god to provide me with a clear vision that each member could take a small piece of what he brought to my healing and then it wouldn't be too much for any one person. i didn't feel like this was clear to me, and i feel like the scariness and the uncertainty and the pain of starting up and hoping to see it through to the end is more than i can emotionally deal with at this time. it is not a slam on anyone because i owe you all so much for seeing me to this point. i have been told repeatedly that i am the exception, that most mpd's do not ever find success in their lives, that they are stuck, most without marriage, kids. most find that death is easier than fighting a never ending battle. which is how i feel. i have been out for 15 years, and still the memories are like they were yesterday, the threats are still new, and i have really tried. but, i am still not whole, and still not done. i am frustrated, and scared that it will never end. i find a way to make it work, and it takes too long and while everyone elses lives grow and move forward, i am stuck. i can't start again, i am scared, and the pain makes me sick. i think perhaps that this is has good as it gets. or as george says, maybe i should just try to find a retired couple who have lots of time. i understand if you want to write me off. you may think i am a quitter, you are entitled to. but, i want to thank you so much for getting me to this point of my quest. i have grown and evolved so much the past few years, people notice, i am able to cry now, and laugh, and try new things, i have learned what it was like to have a dad, and a family, one who i didn't have to be tortured by to feel love. i learned to trust, to share, to educate, to be taught, i have learned how to let go for the sake of others, to hold on for myself, and to love and be loved. a few years ago, i couldn't stand to be touched, and yet slowly i have hugged all of you. so, please know that i wouldn't trade this experience, this healing and freedom and wholeness for anything!!!!!! i am a better person/persons for having you in my life. i hope that you will continue to let me blog and email and still consider me a friend. i love you all!!!!! i hope that you will still pray this next month for me. i understand if you don't. thank you thank you thank you for loving me!
your friend, ....................................

waves crashing all around me

2006-09-24T01:08:00.000-07:00

waves crashing all around me
each one bigger and stronger
than the one before.
at first it was fun,
feeling a little nudge
a little pressure
soon,
they were big
my feet no longer touched
after they retreated
treading water
trying to keep my head above the water.
now each wave crashes on me,
knocking me sideways,
stealing my breath
it's cold and i feel as if i am being squeezed
no air comes out.
i want to cry out for help.
but it is too late,
i am in too deep,
no one can hear me now,
the deafening thunder that is each wave
makes my screams sound muffled
out in the deeper water
it gets dark
sun no longer penetrates and bounces back.
it is so hard to breathe.
exhaustion sets in
and then panic
soon....
the wave will come that will take it's final toll.
knocking me to and fro
stealing my last breath
pushing me under
where no attempt
will bring me back to the surface.
it doesn't matter
i just wish it would hurry

happy birthday to me.

2006-09-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

happy birthday to me! i just had a very good day! this past week as been a time of loss, of pain of lonlieness. there were days i didn't think i could get out of bed! i cannot tell you how many tears i shed this past week! i knew my birthday was coming, and i wanted nothing to do with it. i must say that this year i enjoyed myself today, a feat i didn't think possible. my husband took the day off and he was a lot of fun today. like old times. we cleaned the house, and went to lunch, did some shopping, picked up the kids and two friends, had ice-cream, took the kids to pizza, dropped them off at church, and went by shannon's and then to tahoe joes and then shopped a little more and then a movie. got home after my birthday had ended, tired but content. i needed today! i needed to laugh, and feel like someone was there for me. i needed to hear my kids laugh and hold hands with dave. i needed to feel like i was special and that when someone said they loved and cared about me that they meant it. i needed today. so, happy birthday to me. hope this year is special!

wow

2006-09-13T00:34:00.000-07:00

wow! that's all i can say. i think that today was the day that makes it hard to have to wake up in the morning. i have been in a place of real reflection lately. feeling fat and ugly, feeling like i need to not be a professional babysitter, but actually have a real job, questioning how healthly my friendships are, being financially strapped, feeling like i am the lonliest wife on the planet, wondering if i have screwed up my kids completely. you know, all the stuff that one day, penetrates you brain and makes you think until you can't think anymore, and then you strive to make solutions. i spent all day monday crying, for no reason, other than i didn't imagine being in this place at this point of me life. tuesday felt a little better, although the baby i watched screamed her head off and i felt stupid because i am a babysitter, i got asked to coach my daughters volleyball team which felt good, because i want to connect with her, i got the kids dialed in with all their stuff, and felt like the day was improving each hour, way better than the day before. i had prayer tonight, and was scared really scared to go, but knew that i should be there. things unraveled quickly on my way there, my mother in law called and screwed me over financially again! kennedy's mom called and sounded like she was cranked out, i decided to call my mom and talk to her, i figured at least she loved me and would protect me, the phone call went bad! she hung up on me, and i am still not sure why. it stung. i felt alone, i have not been connected with dave for a long time, and yesterday found out accidentely that he had opened a new secret email account. it hurt. so, by the time i get there i am ready to be around people that maybe like me some. i got an eye opening tonight. i had to let go of someone close, and now have to decide what step to take. i feel a peace about releasing this person. i want him to be happy. no matter what it costs me. as a person, i feel like i am done. i am a sucky wife, friend, daughter, daughter in law, and mpd. the one thing i have left is being a mom, and if i screw that one up, i am done. i don't look forward to tomorrow, i don't want to wake up if you want the honest truth. one more day to feel dirty and stupid and lazy and unattractive. but, i still got my kids, for now......no other decision can be made tonight.....that's it, going to bed.

mama said there'd be days like these

2006-09-11T00:47:00.000-07:00

there are days that fly by, there are days that crawl along, there are days that bring utter joy and days that fill my heart with despair. today was a day that fits all of the above catagories. things in my little world have been rougher here lately. financial issues bear the brunt of the term "rougher". it seems like when your bank account empties, things seem bigger and harder than they really are. a fear creeps over you that shouldn't be there. and when the chips are down, it seems like all of a sudden more and more things become due, school pictures, cheer sweatshirts, yearbooks, and countless other things that normallly would be no big deal, but all of a sudden, it is scary. i feel like i have failed my family, like i have personally let them all down. it sucks, especially at night, when i try to fall asleep, but my mind will not shut down, and the thoughts plague my sleep. there are no easy or quick solutions to this problem at the present time. but i have hope. there is drama in just being a mother, the constant barrage of homework, the sports, the pain when things don't turn out so great for one of my kids, the sicknesses and the reality that most days i do this alone. some days, i long for time to rewind itself, to take me back 5 years, to a time when our family life clicked, and there were two parents sharing the load. we might have had marital problems but we were incredible parents! it didn't seem so draining, so overwhelming when the load was split. but now, it feels like he is spitting in my face with every task i do with the kids. he was sick last week, stayed home from work, couldn't get off the couch, i asked very very little of him, just to help callista with homework, he didn't even need to move off the couch. he couldn't do it. but then he went hunting for 3 hours, and when he came home he said he wasn't feeling good and was going to lay down, but 12 minutes, only 12, his friend called, and in less than 10 minutes he was out the door to go work out for an hour. only to come home and lay around until the kids were in bed. at which point he miraculously recovered and went to some friends house. now, i understand not feeling well. but, i don't get the option of not being a mother. somewhere along the way someone said it was ok for a father to forego all of his responsibilities due to illness, and that said illness was capable of coming and going depending on what activity was available. i know, i sound bitter, i guess i truely am. it hurts. and then the weekend arrives and he has to go hunting, tells me he will be home at 6:30pm, so once again as i am leaving to take the girls to cheer, he by the way had missed all the other games and promised them he would be at this one, but then "talked" to them and they were ok with it, anyways.... i think that money is tight and paying for zed to go made no sense, and since dave would be home soon, he could stay by himself. well dave got home at 10:30pm and it wasn't good, i had called zed and told him that i would come get him so he could eat with his grandma who had invited us to eat, and he said that his dad would be there soon and not to worry about it, around 10 the calls from zed were frantic, and i started to drive home to get him, only to have dave call and say he had picked him up and they were on the way to where we were. i was frustrated. today he got up and went and helped someone move, and went to a gun shop, where he promised a guy he would purchase a gun, where once again comes the financial strain. he has 7 guns, not a necessity in my book to purchase another. then he slept all afternoon. finally at 7pm we started to have time as a family, dinner, and some volleyball with the kids, then they went to bed, and after that only 27 words were spoken to me, most of them questioning if i was ready for sex. so tonight, i sleep on the couch once again, tears stream down my face and my heart literally aches, wondering what my life is going to amount to, and why and how did i end up here, and why do i have to love my kids so much, and is it worth it? is doing this day in and day out what i really want? how can i find the answers? where do i look? it feels hopeless. and even on the days where it isn't completely horrible, it still feels empty and stupid. i am sick of pretending that it is going to be alright. that we are going to make it and i am sick of going to therapy and hearing how i have all the tools to communicate, and then failing at it when i try to implement it. i wish that i knew how long this pain would last. i made it through shit for 21 straight years, and then had a break and now again the dulling pain day after day has added up to years, how many years can i take this? i got out of my other shit, because i knew that it would never change, it would always be the same, it always had been, so i got out. i don't honestly know if this will ever change, and i don't know if i can stay 20 more years trying to "see" if it may change. today sucked, this week sucked, and this month sucked. i think honestly this year has sucked. i know that i should be writing witty, funloving blogs, but dammit, i can't right now, so be warned, for awhile it won't be fun, so please just stay away from here, if it bothers you. because it is my only source of venting right now. it is my comfort, and my safety, i have nowhere else to go, i need to bitch, and i am not offended if you stay away, check back november 1st, it may be better by then, thanks!

so i have been told i need to blog more

2006-08-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

so i have been told that i haven't updated my blog often enough, so i am here writing an update. not sure what to write. my life is unbelievably crazy and busy right now. the kids are in school, and doing ok, i have the soccer, the volleyball the cheerleading, and zed is running for student council and the vote is tomorrow. i am nervous for him. i am hoping that it won't be too traumatic if he doesn't win. i baby sit three days a week. i am struggling with internal issues, they just seem to come at the worst times, they sneak attack me and ruin my sleep patterns and mental health. i am working endlessly on my marriage. it has seen some improvements, some things still need work, some are a work in progress and some just are great. i miss seeing my best friend everyday like i did in the summer, that is the hardest part of fall. but, i am learning new things about myself everyday. some days i want to hide under the covers and cry, and some days i am ready to hit the world head on and conquer it. today i feel very old and very tired. i hope that all of my friends are doing well. i will try to do better on updating the blog and letting everyone know how i am doing. i hope you all do the same.

the results are in

2006-08-16T16:52:00.000-07:00

the results are in....and i did predict the outcome. i passed the first two sections, with 100% on each. and the third section which was the math one, i didn't pass. but, the bright side is that i only missed 7 more than i needed to pass. if i hadn't learned math and practiced for three straight days i would have missed them all, except for guessing. when i went in to take the test, i started to talk to a woman, she was there taking the math portion only(if you pass a section, you don't have to re-take it) she said it was really hard. out of the 11 people there to take the test 8 of them were there to re-take the math. one lady was on her 10th try, one on her 6th try, and all the others, except the first lady i talked to were on their 3rd or 4th try. so, i didn't feel so horrible that i didn't pass, instead i was pretty encouraged that i did as well as i did. and i wouldn't have been able to work with shannon, the neighbor is doing it. so, this actually works out well, if i take the test again in september and pass, by that time, the neighbor may have given up and then once again i will have the chance to work with shannon. but, if not, i can still sub for other classes and maybe by the next year get placed in a permanent place. besides, i think i could use a break right now and time to get some things done around the house. the kids started school yesterday, and they love it. my son is shocking me! he is usually so shy and not at all self-motivated, but today he came home and told me he is running for student council. i was speechless, but i feel proud of him. i hope that this is a good learning experience for him. the girls are enjoying being with their friends again and tynin is in heaven because she loves school. so, things aren't so bad, even though i would have liked to pass the test, it was so much more involved than i had thought, even with the study guide. but now i know and will study accordingly. until next time.....................

this is so nervewracking!!!!

2006-08-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

this is so nervewracking!!!! i have so much on my mind that i feel like i am a hamster running in that circle wheel thingy, going fast but never getting anywhere. tomorrow is a huge day. the kids start school, zed in junior high! i am feeling like i am not at all prepared like i usually am. i have the backpacks and lunchboxes, the new shoes, the first day of school outfits. i am not sure on the school supplies, i have to get two kids haircuts today, i have to buy groceries so that they won't starve. i have to set alarms and and be ready to go early in the morning. i also have to study for this test tomorrow. i am doing better, really i think i am just memorizing math rules and doing the best i can, but i have some hope now, instead of dreading it completely. i had to fill out an application online today, and that took a lot of wind out of my sails. i haven't worked in like 15 years. how do you build yourself up when you look like a failure? there is also a whole new element to this job thing. shannon's neighbor decided that she wants the job of shannon's aide. she was told about it first and declined, then changed her mind after i was told about it. so, if she can find childcare, she will probably get the job. i am a little upset about it. it all of a sudden turned into a competition. it feels ugly to me. i don't want to be in the middle of a battle. so, now, even if i pass the test i will either have to settle for being a sub, and going to a different school everyday or perhaps being placed with someone i don't know and may be intimidated by. i am sure that there are a lot of people out there that i would feel ok with, and i am praying that will be the case. there is also the consideration of the school being far away from my kids school which could present a problem. so, for now, i am just going to pray that god's will be done, and that i can hopefully pass the test. then i will go from there. but today i feel like giving up. i feel like something was stolen from me, i am still not sure why i feel this way, it seems pretty selfish and not how i normally feel, yet it feels like that to me. i am trying to make that feeling go away. i do have more hope today with regards to the marriage situation. dave is attempting to make changes. mostly they have to do with doing "stuff" but i am hoping that soon he will stop trying to fix all the outward things and focus on the inward stuff as well. i hope that soon i will be able to have a routine in my daily life, whatever direction it takes. if i have a chance of getting a job that would start next week, the rest of this week will be very different than if i don't pass that test. either way, i want to have a great week and enjoy my kids and husband and friends. i hope that all of the people i care about, have a great week! let you know how my shapes up...

today is a new beginning

2006-08-12T01:37:00.000-07:00

today is a new beginning...so many things happened today that my head is spinning! today was the day that we found out who the girls teachers were... tynin got who we wanted. callista got someone we have never heard of. today i decided to try for a job that i really really want. being a teachers aide to mentally challenged youth and the best part? shannon is the teacher. i have to take a test to qualify, so today i called to find out when the test was, it is on tuesday! i called back and asked if they had a study guide to go by, and they did, so i ran down and picked it up. at first, i was so overwhelmed, i cannot do math, have never really understood it, have never really passed a math class on my own accord. the test booklet was 14 pages long, 4 of them covered english and 10 covered math! not good. and not just basic math, algebra, geometry, statistics, all kinds of stuff i really don't know. but i really want this job. so tonight, dave, shannon and michael wrote out practice questions and i learned so much math, by the end i was feeling so happy and like there was a slight chance that i could pass. so, pray on tuesday at 1:30 that i can pass this test. if i do and make it through the hiring i start work the following monday. but, it is perfect 8am until 2pm! my kids won't have to quit there stuff, i will be earning money and i get to be with my best friend! i have prayed that if it is god's will it will happen, if not, i will be ok with it. today, also brought about my daughter callista deciding that she wanted to cut her hair. i took her in for a trim and when we left it was 11 inches shorter! they asked her to donate it to locks of love and she agreed. it is so cute! i will take pictures tomorrow and post them. today, dave decided to fix things around the house, things that have been neglected for a long while and so the thing is that now it is a huge undertaking, but he is willing to do it. today, i said no to climbing. for the first time in two years. it felt horrible when i did it, but as the day wore on it felt great! today i sat and watched my daughters do cheerleading. i was impressed. it is so not in my nature to raise a cheerleader, let alone two! but they are really enjoying themselves. today, i learned that my mom may have cancer in her spine! this would be her third bout of cancer, not good. today, i feel like i know myself and what i am capable of a little better. today, i think i will get a good nights sleep.

my heart aches

2006-08-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

my heart aches tonight.... a dull relentless pain. it hurts to breathe, to move, to feel. i keep thinking that each day will bring about some relief, some type of solutions, but it doesn't happen. there are new surprises everyday, some good some not so much. but i keep rolling with the blows. the past seems to forever haunt me, bringing back flooding of uncontrollable regret and pain. the future right now looks so bleak, and the present, is nothing to be too excited about either. i basically live each second and sometimes forget to breathe. the pain is shredding my heart, it feels like i will never be able to not feel pain. physical, mental, emotional, sexual, spiritual, it is all-encompassing. i feel like i have been mummified, wrapped tightly in pain. it surrounds me, consumes me, is me. the one bright spot? at least someone touched me tonight. wrapped his arm around me and told me i was safe. and for that brief time, i felt like i was..

a summary of the past week

2006-08-08T01:59:00.000-07:00

here's a summary of the past week that i have had.... some of the highest ups and lowest downs in ages! the place that i am usually at most nights "the porch" at my best friends house is under going rennovations, so that has left not just me but quite a few others puzzled over how to spend their evenings. things got rough on the porch , too much alcohol, too many people, some violence and lots of denial and then a realization that there was a huge problem going on. none of it had to do with me, but it has affected a lot of things in my day to day going-ons. it is a good thing, but none the less a change. my girls are in cheerleading right now and i am faced with the unpleasant memories of how cheerleaders affected me in high school. i am almost regretting letting them do it, but they love it and so far do not seem like the awful trolls who tormented me. but it is still a sore spot. went away for the weekend with my family and some friends, mostly single, the weather was absolutely perfect, though i did get sunburnt and now that the peeling on my face will not be fun! right before i left town, had a conversation with my mother-in-law, that was basically telling me how fat and ugly i was, no seriously, in 7 minutes there were 3 very very brutal things said to me, that left me stunned and speechless. i spent the whole weekend, feeling like a piece of shit on someone's shoe. horrible. may i never, ever treat anyone like that, especially someone i say that i love and care for. the whole kennedy situation is horrid. the guilt trips i recieve daily make me unsure of how long she will be living with us, and that is weighing on me. dave and i are worse than ever! on sunday we said about 50 words to each other the entire day! i am desperate to find a job and move on. someone asked me this weekend if i stilled loved him, before i would automatically have said YES, but this time i didn't answer and have been obsessing about it for 3 days. still don't know the answer. today was long, told my mom that my marriage was bad, really bad, she told me that she needs her spine fused together and doesn't want to do, but that she can barely walk at this point. it was a downer of a phonecall. we had zed's junior high orientation tonight, and i got to see george, which i can honestly say, brightened up my heart more than i could have ever imagined. the only bummer was when he asked dave how the climbing was going, dave said, good but i haven't gone too much, ok, here's the truth, 4 times in the past 6 weeks. i guess that isn't enough. i was so shocked at his response. i had dave take the kids home, and went to shannon's tonight, i needed that!!!!! it was great to be with her! she is trying to help me find a job that fits my criteria. there were a bunch of other friends over, and when i left at 1:15am, one of them told me that i was loved, and i almost started to bawl. the hurt rushed over me like a tidal wave, it was like i was hearing it for the first time. i didn't realize how much i had been keeping things in and trying to deal. my kids start school in a week, and i am curious how i will handle it. i know that i need rest. i know that i need to learn how to do certain things around the house, just to stay sane, and i know that i will be busy. so that is how the week has been, i went from the warm loving proud feelings at the bonfire on the beach, to having a dead bird(seriously) on my front porch this morning, after dave left for work, before i got the newspaper. i left it there and had dave throw it out when he got home. but, come on. what the hell was that. i am so glad that it is tuesday. i need tuesday, especially this one.

AAARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

2006-08-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

AAARRGGGHHH!!!! that is the only way to describe my emotional state at this moment. things keep going from bad to worse, to ok and then back to horrible. things are so back and forth, and my nerves are shot. i am handling the marriage situation ok, it seems like i have taken back some of the power and that actually makes dealing with dave better, i have gotten bolder and have just stopped each situation and pointed out things that are not going well, instead of letting them simmer and blowing up, my therapist had me role-playing things that he swore would work in reaching dave, for months i have been trying all types of things, not one, not a single one, worked at all!!! my therapist was baffled and told me to just try to be blunt and forceful and honest and a little aggressive in pointing things out, he said that 9 times out of 10 men would rebel against this and become angry and bitter, but, guess what? it actually works with dave?! he doesn't get upset instead he just looks and me and says, ohhhh, now i get it. whatever. it doesn't change a lot of the living situation but it has relieved some pressure from me. the friend situation is horrendous! i spent sunday in bed crying, it was like i was mourning a loss. that is what it feels like. it is a really tricky, sticky problem and it is spiraling out of control. it sucks!!!! especially with the drama at home already. i am also in the middle of the whole kennedy thing and that is heartbreaking and tiring and i am already being manipulated and feel stuck. i also think that i need to take the break from prayer. i had thought it best, but got talked out of it. and already it is never a sure thing and i am so fragile emotionally, spiritually and mentally that it takes me out and i can't have that being a bad thing. i think a break would give people the opportunity to not be committed and that i would still feel like in october that i could come back without the hurt feelings. these are so my issues, and i can't make people understand that. i want to be able to express the screwed up processing my many faceted brain takes when thrown a curveball, but i seem to be lacking in how to make it come across. i will see. i am more mentally unstable than i have been in years, and everything seems so catastrophic to me. it seems like i am standing at the bottom of a hill watching an avalanche coming and have no will to get out of the way. it hurts, being so fucked up. i feel like i am unfit to be around most people at this point in my life. i don't know what to do or where to turn. and i in no way ever want people to have to deal with my pyscho feelings. it is nobodys fault that i freak out. only mine. no one could do anything to help me right now, i think i am too far gone. thanks for trying though.

things are rough all over

2006-07-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

things are rough all over!!! i have had an unbelievably out of control emotional week! on tuesday, i felt like i should try to take a break from my tuesday night group, so i met with them and told them all how i felt, i will say that i was so shocked by their responses. i really felt like they would welcome the break and just the opposite happened. they all said that they wanted to continue, that even if the format had to change that it was what they wanted to do. i felt, at the time that i hadn't been heard, but now as i reflect on it, i see that indeed they did hear me, the real me, the one in so much pain that words choke in my throat, so although i was unhappy at the moment, i am really glad to know that i have a real family for once in my life, one that is there through all of the times i go through, ups and downs, good and bad. it started out as the bleakest moment of my week and turned into the shining one. thanks!!!! that night when i got home, feeling like i had overcome some obstacles and had at least attempted to speak my mind, i came home to my husband, who only a few short hours before had made me so upset that it prompted the feeling of wanting to abandon prayer group because i felt the need to concentrate on my marriage more deeply. i was forced to tell him that when he had left earlier, the only thing and i mean the only reasosn i could come up with for not moving out that second was money. it is so difficult to live together on his salary, that living seperately would be impossible. my therapist has told me that in any situation that i feel i need to get away from, i need to list the things that would make me leave and the ones that would make me stay, and then weigh them and either try to change them, or live with my decision. this time, the only reason was financial, which opened my eyes to many things. i told him that for now, we would live together, and that until i had either a job that could support him getting an apartment, or was going to school and got student loans that could help financially, we would have to co-habitate, but that i would be sleeping in the other room. i told him that i didn't think that divorce could hurt as much as the pain i have been in lately, i basically verbally vomitted all over him. i told him how hurt i was that he was not concerned with my safety, that it made me feel like i wasn't worth enough to him. i told him that him wanting to be gone every chance he had made me feel ugly and stupid and untouchable. i told him that his refusal to go back to nights, which would put us back on top financially but would cut into his workout and climbing time, just hurt so much, that his hobbies were more important that providing for our family. i told him that his refusal to compliment me unless it was sexual made me feel like i have my whole life, that i was only good for one thing and apart from that i was nothing. i confronted him on his deceitful ways, and the lying that has been going on. it was brutal, every time he tried to apologize or blame me or anything, i just said, look i am done, i don't want to hear hollow words coming out of your mouth, i don't want to fight, i don't want anything but for you to hear me, and for me to get some closure on this. he sat there, blank faced, mouth agape, tears in his eyes. when i was done, i said good night and headed for the couch. the next day he was all lovey and telling me that he loved me and trying to kiss me, and i just looked at him and said, please do not act like we do not have major drama going on, like what i said last night was some sort of ranting, we are not ok and i am offended that you can act like we are. it stopped. he has been trying to work overtime this week and call and ask me to lunch, we went to dinner tonight. but all in all, i feel a peace about what i said, i am currently looking into a few job options and am also considering school, but may not be able to this fall, perhaps in spring? i am still sleeping on the couch. i am still very nice and probably sweeter to him since i said my peace. i needed to prevent some of the hurt that was coming my way and i think that maybe i have. i am hopeful that god will restore our marriage, and will continue to fight for it. i have also been though major drama revolving around kennedy, and her mom and where she will live soon. it has been rough! i never expected to be in this kind of predicament. i still don't have all the answers. we are considering homeschooling the kids not this year but the next, too much drama with the in-laws over the tuition. a friend of mine took her little 5 year old daughter to the doctor on monday for a stomachache, on tuesday her daughter had a tumor the size of a cantaloupe removed along with a kidney, she started 13 weeks of chemo the next day. they are a mess. i don't understand. some situations with my closest friends, have escalated this week. it is sometimes so great, and the outcomes are outstanding and then there are the times like tonight, where you see a confrontation looming in the very near future where you may have to tell someone to get help for alcoholism. it has been a very draining week. my kids are sick with asthma from the air quality, zed's doctor doesn't want him getting any immunizations because of his allergy shots, but he may not be able to attend school without them. i am so tired! i am so ready for heaven. i just don't know how much more of this emotional upheavel i can bear. a boring week, with no drama, lots of sleep and no pain, i would love it, maybe my doctor could put me in a medical coma for a week. that would be so awesome. i know that i am getting desperate.

just an update

2006-07-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

just a little update....this past week has been pretty good. except for the 110 degree weather! i celebrated 14 years of marriage, and had a good time with my girls this week, zed had a fabulous time at camp, which had been a big concern since he had a traumatic experience at that camp a few years ago and skipped a year because of it. i have taken the attitude that i need to be unnaturally pleasant to my in-laws because the tension was making me physically sick. we got to have dinner with the popes(not the pope, as my daughters thought) but some new friends that we made this summer, it was a great time of sharing and praying for each other. really sweet people. i have swam a lot this week, which is nice, but the sun is draining. i have gotten to spend quality time with my favorite people, saw god answer a huge prayer request for a close friend, and actually got two really good nights sleep this week which is huge. today, my son came home from camp, and then an hour later, dave took him and the girls backpacking for the weekend, i ended up driving kennedy to her mom and now am trying to plan a weekend alone for myself, i am a little nervous and pretty tired, but know that i need to be safe and i also have a ton of cleaning and organizing to do. the kids start school in like 3 weeks, and kennedy will be leaving, maybe? not absolutely sure about that. i cannot wait until the weather cools at least a little. i hope that everyone else that i know and love is safe and happy. missing a lot of friends right now, hope i can reconnect with some of them soon. let you know how the weekend goes.

unbelievable

2006-07-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

unbelievable....today i have been married for 14 years!!!! i never thought it possible for someone like me to even get married, let alone stay married for 14 years! they have not all been perfect, and there has been ups and downs and many bumps, but i think we have both grown and matured in love in friendship and in life. i used to think that people married this long were really old! which makes me really old, now. it seems odd. mostly things are going well these days, tomorrow we eat dinner with the popes and i like them. the kids are well, zed is away again at summer camp, and kennedy is going to visit her mom this weekend. i know that the coming weeks will be difficult, we have informed kennedy's mom that she will have to move out when the kids start school, not sure what this is going to mean but i am sad. i hope it works out the way that it is supposed to. dave is taking the kids on their annual backpacking trip this weekend, and i am hoping to keep busy with friends. school is just around the corner and i am getting anxious, but i can tell that i am learning to be more assertive, i fought for my son to get the classes he really wanted and i think he is going to have an awesome year. i hope that this our 14th year of marriage is better than the 13th, i have a strong hunch it will be..................

how quickly it changes

2006-07-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

how quickly my life changes, everyday i feel like i am beginning anew the rest of my life.
my in-laws were gone for three months, and then when they got home they took my son and kennedy immediately, for two days, which was fine, but today when i went to get them, kennedy treated me like she didn't even know me. it was a horrible feeling. i felt like she had instantly turned against me and hated me. she didn't want anything to do with me. it hurt. i guess it is good, because she is going to be moving out of our house soon, but i felt like it had been coached, like she had been taught the behavior. my bitterness towards my in-laws has not gone away, my therapist says that i should be upset, that they "scammed" me with promises that they had no intention of keeping, and with patronizing me with whatever would work. they hurt me, deeply, i felt like when i was younger and was deceived all of the time, and i didn't expect it from people so close to me. this is going to be a bumpy ride, and i am nervous and scared especially for kennedy, she has been through so much. i can't tell you how much my heart aches for her. i hope that it changes soon. i hope that i can make it through this rough patch that we are going to enter. i hope and pray, and ask you to do the same.

i know who i am in my heart

2006-07-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

i know who i am in my heart,
a loving mother,
a caring wife,
a trustworthy friend,
a believer,
and i feel blessed and talented
and loved and secure
and healthy and smart
and all of those types of things,
but my head tells me different
it says i am stupid,
and ugly
and diseased
and horrible
and a liar
and thief
and murderer
and untouchable
and unloveable
and somedays
i don't know if
my heart
or my head
holds the truth

feeling a bit exposed

2006-07-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

feeling a bit exposed today. had prayer last night, jumped in with both feet and as scared as i was i am determined to finish this journey i begun long ago. i tried to block out the fears, the insecurities and the anxiety about who was there and what they would think and i prayed that god would do what he wanted and that i would obey what he said. i was glad i did, but then nothing, i sent out an update and got nothing... now i feel like it was a mistake. i try to just accept that it happens, but it was a huge risky step and i feel pretty alone right now. i don't know if i should just suck it up and keep trying until they all just quit showing up, or if i should jump ship before they hurt me. i am so not in a good emotional state, i am trying desperately to be "ok" in the brain functioning thing, but right now, everything feels personal, and hurtful and i am trying to trust to learn to let others in, even friends outside of prayer, and it feels so weird. so unnatural to want acceptance so badly. i don't know what to do, luckily it is almost time to sleep and i won't have to dwell on it for a few hours, and perhaps it won't seem so huge tomorrow. i hope so.

when is it enough

2006-07-06T23:54:00.000-07:00

when is it enough? a year? a decade? when? i have pursued wholeness, freedom, joy, i have been open and willing and even hurt in the process. i keep plugging away, trying to better myself, to learn, to teach, to exhaust all possibilities, to be sane. yet, each night brings a new terror, a rude awakening, a horror not previously known. i say enough is enough. i feel alone, exposed, and vulnerable, and i don't like who i am or was or whatever. it hurts, so much, deep hurt, the kind of pain that makes you fall to your knees in gutteral cries to god, the kind of pain that you pray the ones you love never feel, and when i open my eyes, i am covered in sweat, my body aches, and i am once again alone. it isn't anyone's fault, that i am alone. people have their lives, i just need an on/off switch to time it to when i am not alone. but so far, i have no cooperation on finding this switch. so please, enough is enough. calm my mind, pause the memories, hide me under your wing. i need to rest. i can't take it anymore. please

just for today

2006-07-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

just for today, i will try to hold on to dear friends, fond memories, favorite movies, classic rock, my favorite old sleepshirt, a delicious snack, the sounds of my kids laughing, the warmth of the sun, the way it felt to feel safe in an embrace, the way the wind feels on my face when i am on a motorcycle, the comfort of old friends, the joy of new ones, i will try to remember things that are so dear to my heart, for when i sleep tonight, that is what i want to see. serenity, security, silence, solitude, i want peace, just for today.

dear god please.....

2006-07-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

dear god please....
let me sleep
or at least let me sleep without having memories
let my body be free of pain
or at least allow me to be able to care for my family
let me trust
or at least let me allow people into my heart
let me love
or at least let me be able to feel it
let me understand
or at least let me not frustrate over ignorance
let me be a person who is giving
or at least let me be aware of people's needs
let me have faith
or at least let me have hope
let me always seek wholeness
or at least let me not continue to break
let me feel comfortable in my own skin
or at least let me not cringe when i glance in a mirror
let me laugh
or at least let my feel heart lighter
let me cry
or at least let me mourn
i pray oh god....
that you can heal me
complete me
use me
i need a miracle right now
i need to believe in
myself
in you
in others
in something

fireworks, food and harleys

2006-07-05T00:38:00.000-07:00

fourth of july has come and gone, there was food, there were fireworks and then there was the harley ride! i feel like my soul and spirit are reawakened when i feel the air pulsating in my face. it feels like all the cares of my day get whipped away in the wind. i am still pretty "high" from camp last week. i continue to bond with tynin each day. dave and i are still not fighting, which in itself is a miracle, i have a renewed sense of direction in my healing, and will fight a little harder for what i believe god is telling me to do. i am trying to lose the weight i gained last week, that food was good! and dealing with god and dave on the situation with kennedy. soon, things will be hectic and the fuzziness from camp will fall away, but today, i feel like i again have a purpose. i feel like i can continue on for awhile longer. i feel like god puts people in my life at exactly the right time and even if they come and go, they always show back up at just the precise moment in my life when i need it most. i am forever grateful and joyful that i have met these people, you know who you are, and i am counting on god to keep putting you into my life when are where you are needed. tomorrow it is back to the babysitting, which means pool and tanning, i faded really bad at camp, but hopefully it will bounce back. missing a lot of people tonight, but riding on that harley looking at fireworks exploding in the sky, i was at peace, hope the same is true for you.....

i don't know what god has planned

2006-07-04T01:18:00.000-07:00

i don't know what god has planned for me right now, but things keep getting weirder and weirder. tonight, dave and i went to a birthday party for a friend, and all of a sudden i hear my name being called and look up and it is keith and joan martens! i rarely get to see them, and if i do, it is just in passing, and then just the cordial greeting, quick hug and bye. but tonight, i got to talk to them for a very long time, and it was good. to ask some questions, to get some insight and to feel like someone completely understood what i was saying and knew how to help. i even told them that someday i would like to speak or at least go on a trip with their ministry. that would be so nice and would feel right. keith is the person who started my journey on this road. he is the person who plucked me out of the fire. i owe him my life. it was fun to see them, to hang out, talk about old times, share stories, and laugh. i don't know where things are headed, but i am ready.

my time in the forest

2006-07-03T00:52:00.000-07:00

my time in the forest this past week was awesome! it didn't start that way, in fact by the time we drove up there, dave wanted a refund and to just go back home, but then a simple thing like having the beds made when we got into our room, turned everything around. we stopped fighting and went for three whole days without an arguement and then only had minor ones a few times after that. our kids were fantastic and helped so much with kennedy. the speakers were amazing! very genuine and loving and accepting. dave and i had a lot of serious discussions that were a long time in coming this week. it felt good to express where i am in terms of memories and my self-esteem because of what i am going through. i got to see tony, and the pina's and the cosbys and even mel for a short while. that was nice, although i thought i would have a lot more time with them then i did. i bonded in a huge way with tynin and spent good quality time with her. i watched my son and his future "wife" hang out and was in awe. they still play like they did when they were 5 and yet act like an old married couple, he pouring her lemonade, her clearing his dishes, very cute. we bonded instantly with old friends over junk food and games. but this year was different. i have struggled with intimacy with people, especially christians this past few months, and feel like i can't get close to people because they do not know me. i have prayed for a year that i would have the courage, that if anyone asked me any questions about my past that i would be able to share what the lord wanted me to. all week long, nothing came of it. so i figured that god had other plans for me. then the last night, after communion, we were all hanging out, even the speakers and we were telling funny stories about ourselves and the speaker asked dave to tell how we got married, how god told him to marry me, so he did and when he did he casually mentioned that i lived with a family because i had just gotten out of the occult. this was at 10:30p.m. soon the questions were flying from all directions, i looked at dave and he said, i think it is time we shared, so we dove in head first, by the time it was 4a.m. and no i am not making that up, we were begging these people to go to bed, there were other people leaving the lodge to drive to vegas at this point, but no one was in a hurry to go to bed. we felt like we had released a huge load and felt good about it. the group that was in that room was so diverse, a few people we had known for years, some we had just met, and some whom we had steered clear of for the past few years, but who had somehow trickled into our hearts that week, plus the speakers. i only got about 22 minutes of sleep, because my mind was racing when we got to our room, i didn't know if people thought we were freaks, or mental cases or if they were going to shun us or our kids in the morning, so i was laying there, pre-worrying. when we got to breakfast, everyone of the people in that room, came and hugged me and told me how glad they were that we had shared with them. and then the speaker told dave, that had been one of the highlights of their week, and he and his wife, who just happen to live in fresno, invited us to lunch this coming friday! i was really nervous that i had broken some camp rules, or that the people that i love that work there would be upset, but after that, i had a sense of peace and didn't really care. it was a great week, many stories, many memories, i hope to "re-live" these memories! i have been trying to email many of you but my email is down right now, so you may get multiple emails when it gets back up. i have much to share, much to be thankful for, these weeks in the forest, renew my faith, my hope and open my eyes and heart to so much, i am forever grateful!!! more later, you can bet on that!

family camp 2006

2006-07-03T00:28:00.000-07:00

this has been a good week....

2006-06-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

this has been a good week....no kids for five days, and no kennedy for six, a vacation at the beach with some of my favorite people in the world, great food, volleyball and laughs, no housework, laundry, or cooking. but the best thing was today, the girls had dance practice all day downtown at the convention center, and i managed to get a concussion this weekend and still had blurry vision, dave took the day off and helped me, he drove me and the girls around and was very nice to hang out with, then tonight, we exercised as a family, walking two and a half miles, push-ups, sit-ups, etc... then a small dinner and visiting, then bed. dave and i reconnected in a new way this weekend, some of it was so very hard! i realize that i once again need to "re-invent" myself, not new people, just making myself into something else. i was really upset about it, because i feel like i am the one who has to change my whole life to "fit" in with others, i was so emotional, it could have been the concussion, who knows, but it was a smack in the face with reality, i wasn't too happy. but, today, i have come to accept it and to appreciate the good fun i had this weekend, and even though i am in for a huge life altering change, i am ready. i think. i was not sure if i would be able to get out of bed this morning, thinking of beginning my new life, but it wasn't too bad, except the double vision, which i hope is gone in the next few days, or i will need a doctors appt. and i don't want to rack up any more bills. i miss being connected to friends, they seem to fade away and pop back up again. i will be patient and maybe more proactive in not being isolated. i am tired and sore tonight, but i have a sense of contentment that i haven't had in a long time, so on that note....good-night i am going to bed.

today is a yucky day!

2006-06-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

today is a yucky day, if for no other reason than it is 6/6/06 and I feel so overpowered by many things. it just feels yucky in the air and in my head. not clear and pretty fuzzy. i have so much to do today, laundry, packing, cleaning. and, all i want to do is go to bed and wake up tomorrow. i am only so happy that in two days, i will be in hermosa, drinking a daiquiri and soaking up some sun and watching some incredible volleyball matches. so, because of that i will make it through today, and then go to bed early. i hate triggers!

things are looking up

2006-06-02T01:22:00.000-07:00

things are starting to look up, they aren't great, but i can once again see hope in the distance. i got almost the whole house cleaned today, two of the kids rooms are yet to be done, but it looks so much better. i made a huge family dinner, tri-tip, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, even brownies, we all ate together and it was nice. the laundry is all done, folded and put away. dave and i are getting along better, i am still really guarded, but i am trying to let go of the bitterness and let him in again. i am now officially 6 days away from a vacation and 5 days away from no kids! i think by the end of august we should be out of financial hardship, at least for awhile. i am getting stronger in my resolve to have kennedy move out before school starts again. i think i am getting bolder in stating what i need at prayer and not being so worried about hurting people. i feel like i can actually protect myself a bit. camp is coming and i cannot wait to be free of household duties for a week. this weekend we are taking family pictures with my whole family, i think that my parents are starting to realize that they won't be here forever and want to do this now. that is my only really hard thing this weekend besides the dreaded church. i wish i was going to see a movie or something cool, but no. graduation party, dance practice, swimming and that's about it. i hope to get tan this week for the beach trip. next week, is more appointments, the last week of dance, and hermosa beach. i am hoping that i can get where i need to be on time and not stressed, and if i could lose 5lbs, that would be a bonus. i hope you are all taking care of yourselves and enjoying life.

today i want to start a new page

2006-05-31T10:28:00.000-07:00

today i want to start a new page in my life. i want to have confidence, and happiness and joy in the things in my life that are good and healthy. like my kids and my friends. i want to be able to notice all the positive things going on around me and let go of the yucky ones. i want to clean my house today, maybe it will help. i want to take my kids to their dentists appt. and not have any cavities, but if they do, not to stress about it. i want to watch tynin at dance class and not compare myself to the other moms. i want to make a great dinner and sit around with my family doing "highs and lows" and just enjoying each other. i want to add more weight to my barbell when i lift tonight and not be sore. i want to not fear the friends that i have and feel like they are keeping things from me. i want to eat what i want for just a day and not gain a pound. i want to not change a dirty diaper today. i want to walk to the mailbox and get a check for tons of money from a longlost relative in zimbabwe. i want to not feel tired and not act that way either. i want to play a board game with my kids and not care who wins. but, i do want to play yahtzee with dave and kick his behind. i want the bag of m&m's to refill itself so when the kids ask if they can have some i won't feel like i only had two. i want the dishes to load themselves into the dishwasher and start. i want to be happy today. that is why i posted pix of my favorite things in the world, to remind myself that i have great things in my life, and to dwell on those.

this is where you'll find me

2006-05-31T10:23:00.000-07:00

this is where we spend most of our days, swimming and playing in shannon's pool. note the semi-circle, it is only 18 inches deep there and perfect for kennedy, or laying out with the lounge chairs. the kids love it and we should all be pretty brown by summers end.

zed doing science

2006-05-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

zed doing his science project, it was the only recent pic i had. he is my little man, and he loves his mama.

tynin getting an award

2006-05-31T10:14:00.000-07:00

tynin with her teacher and principal getting another award. she was so happy this day.

callista in oz

2006-05-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

this is Callista in her wizard of oz play, she is so adorable!

i have lost touch with reality

2006-05-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

i have lost touch with reality
i no longer recgonize what
is real and what is not
my husbands favorite game of late
is to make me feel like i have lost my mind
and somewhere along the way
he won the game
i no longer feel like i am living
i feel has if i am living in a movie
and my script says
pyscho wife: debbie
and i hope and pray that i come out ok
by the end
but deep down i know
that i don't
that i come out looking just
like he portrays me to be
a nut job
he says things to me
and then when it comes up again
he swears he didn't
my friends look at me with pity
like they are thinking
poor thing, she is losing her mind
but that isn't the case
at least i didn't think it was
but now i am not so sure
i am a hopeless case
trapped in a hopeless situation
there are moments of joy
of harmony
of happiness
yet i think i have crossed over
into full blown mental illness
or alzheimers
because i cannot seem to remember
a damn thing that my husband says to me
i look like a fool
i feel like an idiot
and somehow
i have ended up alone again
my friends
i don't hear from
i don't see them
maybe it is too painful for them to tell me
that i am sick and mentally deficient
i find that i can no longer continue
no longer try
because at the end of the day
it doesn't really matter

trying to live, wanting to die

2006-05-20T02:49:00.000-07:00

trying to live,
wanting to die,
searching for meaning,
coming up empty,
the insanity that i feared
is closing in around me
i taste the bitterness
of mental illness
with every breath i take
feeling broken
feeling repressed
feeling the heaviness in my heart
that says
you cant go on
you have nothing left to hold on to
feelings of despair
nothing new to me
feelings of hopelessness
been there too
the prospect of life
just out of my grasp
the overwhelming comfort of death
has become an hourly visit
the emptiness and hollowness
that reside in my heart
make me question
what part of me
makes me so despicable
so unnatural to be around
why can i not have people
in my life that are true
that can feel my pain
just by looking into my eyes
that can hear the hurt
just by the sound of my voice
that can know the seriousness
of my disease
i cannot reach out
there is no one there to reach for
i cannot cry out
there is no one there to hear me
i cannot
i cannot
i cannot
the pain envelops me now
the time has come for this to end
why pretend anymore
the pain is just too great
they say life goes on
and herein lies the problem

little girl lost

2006-05-20T02:42:00.000-07:00

little girl lost
wandering aimlessly
searching,
longing,
yearning,
aching
for that place to belong
for that security of acceptance
for the peacefulness of togetherness
little girl
with huge pain
is she a little girl with huge pain
or huge pain with a little girl
the lines of the pain and of the person
are blurred
the pain is numbing and at times
the little girl can laugh
can trust
can love
can hope
but sometimes the pain sears through everything else
burning and writhing into the core
making it impossible to feel anything
but the pain
little girl damaged
tainted, spoiled
untouchable
unloveable
unnoticable
her mouth is agape
a primal scream
is never heard
a wall of tears is built
that will never fall
damaged beyond acceptable
damaged and discarded
little girl wanting
she grew up
she learned
she experienced
and now
she is again
that little girl
lost
full of pain
damaged

tears falling like the rain

2006-05-16T23:51:00.000-07:00

lately, i seem to cry at the drop of a hat; maybe i am making up for years of repressing my tears, my pain and internalizing it. i don't know, but most times, i can deal with it, i don't like it, but i can cry a little and move on. last night, however; was not one of these times, i cried for over five hours, and i mean the sickening blubbering type, curled up in the fetal position, snot everywhere, eyes burning, and noisy. i couldn't stop, i tried, and i tried, and i was so upset that i couldn't stop that it made me cry harder. now, normally i have had a fight, or some emotional upset that makes me cry, this time it was a stupid television show. and it was one of my favorite shows, i know how stupid that sounds, and believe me while i was blubbering i was cursing that stupid television show. it was a surreal moment, there on the television, was a woman who was experiencing the same emotions that i had been dealing with lately. basically, her husband made her feel the same things that my husband makes me feel, and up until that very moment, i couldn't think of a way to describe it, and then BAM, there it was, in black and white, well...actually technicolor, but you understand, and it rocked me to the core. i am not an emotional television or movie watcher, i don't cry ever in movies, i think that there maybe two or three in my lifetime that have made me even tear up. and here i was taken to my very core of pain, from a tv show. ridiculous!!! i felt so small, so insignificant, so useless in that moment, that one look, it took me out. all day long i have tried to recover, stinging burning eyes, headache, exhausted from not sleeping, and trying to get it all together, to be a mom, to get the things done that needed doing, feigning happiness in the face of my husband who is trying and came home for lunch. the whole time he was home i felt that lump in my throat, the tears pushing up against the dam, ready to fall. every second he was home i was fighting it, not wanting to think about it again, not sure if i could ever forget. i am feeling numb, so unsure of what or who i am, wanting to run, wanting to hide, wanting to be alone, wanting to be surrounded by people. what the hell is wrong with me?! how much longer can this last? i hope that the worst is over......so much for my happy blogs!

2006-05-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

i haven't written for awhile... i guess i felt like it was just going from bad to worse and i am pretty sure that it was a bummer to read. my life holds so many twists and turns, so many little detours. i feel like i haven't had a choice in a whole lot of things lately, not with my healing, not with my finances, not with my time, not with issues relating to god. i just feel like a mouse in one of those mouse run things, sniffing out the cheese, trying to get there to experience the food, but getting angry that it takes so long to get there, wanting to just stand on my hind legs and leap over the obstacles. makes more sense to my mind to do it that way. i am better in ways, had a small break for the baby over the weekend, got pampered and remembered on mothers day. got a good tan going out by the pool, hung out with my best friend and didn't feel guilty for the amount of time we spent over there. watched survivor finale. got some rest. cried a great deal, having repressed memories with seri that i don't ever ever ever want to remember, yet cannot force them down right now. feeling ok not great. very disconnected from everyone, i think that i may even be pushing myself slowly away from everyone, because it isn't as painful if i do the leaving, as when they do. i don't know, i am doing better, but inside i am little, and hurt, and very lonely. but only seven more days of school. and that is exciting for me. so i will try to blog more, hopefully it will start having a more happy slant, and go from there. ok?

i learned some things this weekend

2006-05-09T00:29:00.000-07:00

i learned some things this weekend. about myself, or should i say about what people think of me. it was truly an exhausting experience. i had thought that my week had to get better, it seemed like there was no place to go but up from the previous week. but then again, i was mistaken. so many miscommunications, so many hurt feelings, so tired, so very tired. the whole earth seemed to swallow me up and spit me back out. the previous weekend dave had climbed and i was left with the 4 kids, so i was really looking forward to a small break this past weekend, only that didn't happen, dave got offered a job working for a friend of ours for 10 hours a day, friday, saturday and sunday, so again i was with the 4 kids. it seemed a little better this time, not really has suicidal has the previous week, but still it would have been heavenly to sleep in at least once. i spent a lot of time with my best friend, swimming and laying out in her new pool, the kids were way more helpful with the baby while we swam, so that was nice. i ended up cooking for 20 people on friday, and that was draining since dave wasn't around to watch the baby for me. friday night, after we all ate and the guys got done working we were all just hanging around, one by one people went home, or went to bed, the kids spent the night and dave had taken kennedy home and i wasn't ready to go home, there were only a few of us left talking under the stars, smoking and just talking. one of the guys whom i haven't known for very long, but really admire and geniunely like, looked at me and told me i was an angry person, that i had so much pain and bitterness that i seemed like a time bomb waiting to explode. i was taken aback a little, but of course asked for more information, he then told me that i seemed to like chaos, and that is why i had packed my bags the previous weekend instead of making dave pack his. he said i had allowed dave to treat me in certain ways because i didn't know that i deserved better, and that once i learned that i did deserve better, i expected him to automatically change and that wasn't realistic. that i had to give him a chance to do that, and it would take a lot of time and even more failing before he learned how. i felt pretty ok about the conversation at 2am when i finally drove home, i was a tad embarassed about it but felt like it was honest and i appreciate that more than anything else. saturday was more of the same, dave working, me and the kids out by the pool, but today i had decided to really make an effort to tell and show dave how much i appreciated him working on his days off to get some money for us, and i even was affectionate with him, the guy who had talked with me the night before told me that he was proud of the fact that i was making attempts to teach dave how i needed to be treated. dave and i seemed ok, and then another friend, the one dave had been working with made a comment to me about something dave had said and was lecturing me about it, it hurt and embarrased me. when i got home i asked him about it and that was the spark that took the whole forest down, we got into it so severely that it got to the point where i threw a suitcase at him, and the keys to his dad's house and said, pack what you can and get out! he almost did. it is too long and drawn out to rehash the whole incident here but, after awhile i quit talking and just told him that i was willing to accept half of the blame for our problems, but until he could own up to his portion it wasn't worth fighting about anymore, so i laid on the couch, and for another half of an hour listened to him tell me why what he did was all my fault, and he couldn't help it if i was a whack job, he said that all of our friends that seem sympathetic towards me when i lean on them, tell him how they know that it is my fault and that he is not to blame. at those words i felt like a frozen dagger was thrust into my heart and twisted about. it took me to my knees to think that people i confided in were in fact thinking i was just sick and patronizing me. i physically felt sick. i felt the hot tears run down my face and they stung and burned all the way down. he knew he had crossed the line with the angry things he was saying, so he said i don't want to lose you, to which i responded you lost me a long time ago, he stood up and said, then i will do whatever it takes to get you back and walked out of the living room and went to bed. i lay there crying and crying and hurting to my very core. the next morning i pretended to sleep when he came to say good bye before going to work. i tried very hard to be friendly and loving, we had a better day, not great. today i did the same, and i told him that i would wake up every morning and try harder than the day before until i had no tries left, and i also told him that even though i could be nice, didn't mean our issues werre gone, and that until those were resolved i would still not consider being more than roommates with him. he did make points today, and i actually got to leave the house and hang out with shannon and the girls tonight, for a few hours which helps me so much. i felt a little freedom and being away from the kids helped me gain some sanity back. i think i may sleep in my bed tonight, it will be the first time in almost a month. i never want to say i didn't give it everything i had. if it isn't going to work out, at least i will have exhausted all possible methods of saving it, and tonight, i think that there is still a lot more tries left in me. so. goodnight, and hopefully soon my blogs can have a more upbeat tone to them. wouldn't that be nice.

i never want another day like today!

2006-04-27T01:05:00.000-07:00

i never want another day like today! last night was hard, but i was dealing with things internally, dave had no idea that i was even upset. i find it is much easier this way, to just suck it up and let him do what he wants and just go about my daily life, even if it hurts like hell. today was the "meeting" with the in-laws about their trip and kennedy. so we met for lunch, and just let me take a few steps back to explain some things, since january when i mentioned getting a job, my mother-in-law has been saying to just wait because their property is selling and they intended to give both dave and his sister a big chunk of change. i didn't make plans for the money, but as recently as two days ago, she keeps telling me this. this past week we had told them how bad things were getting financially especially with me not being able to work and now having a toddler living here, she tells us that money is no object to her and that whatever we need she will give to us. we tell her that we are considering asking that kennedy be put into the foster care system and that we would take the daylong course and become her foster parents, we would then be eligble for money, we also had many other similar suggestions. i don't know if i mentioned this in earlier blogs, but dave had recently confessed that he didn't want to raise this baby until she was 18, that sent the mother-in-law into a tailspin, so....today's meeting. i didn't expect too much, maybe a nice lunch and a few goodbyes and a few financial solutions to this problem we are having. it went so far from this and for the remainder of the day, i cried, got mad, cried, got even madder, and cried some more. first, came the revelation that 6 weeks ago they found out that the property sale had fallen through, ok, bad enough, but here's the kicker, my mother-in-law tells my father-in-law " i thought we agreed to wait until we got home to tell them that" ok that was said in front of me and dave. i almost choked. i reached over and grasped dave's leg. then the mother of all guilt trips started, here are the highlights....." don't you love kennedy?" " i am not blood related to your kids and look how well i treat them." "we have given your kids the best life, where would they be without us?" "do you want it on your heads if she were to be molested?" " you will answer to God for turning your back on her" and it just went on and on... i was dumbfounded, truly. dave and i both kept repeating that the very best thing for kennedy was for her mom to get well and be able to care for her, we said, emotionally, spiritually and mentally she will suffer if that never happens, not that it would be today, but that she needed to have that relationship if at all possible. mother-in-law crying, telling us that we need to make her guarantees that kennedy will not leave our house while she is on VACATION! by this point, the food taste like shit, i feel sweaty, dave gets called to the police chief's office for a news conference, so lunch is ending. dave runs back to ask if i have any money for gas, i hand him my last ten dollars, and he leaves. i am getting ready to get up and then they ask for money for lunch! i say i have no cash, but they can use my card if they need to, my father-in-law says " let her put it on her card since they ate food and we just had soup." ok, no shit, i feel my eyes brimming with tears, i know my mother-in-law sees this as she quickly somehow finds money in her purse and pays. ok, not one word about helping financially, not one dime offered, not anything, and then they ask for money, i would have had the meeting at my house, not irenes! and this after my parents gave me some money, and that is not their place. my dad is stressed because of his and mom's medical bills and he wants to be able to give me more. i feel so tricked, so lied to and so deceived. i feel like i am wearing a sign that says "please fuck me over" i wanted to run today, so far, forever, not to ever look back. this may not sound so bad to you all, but to me, after the husband trickery yesterday, and now this, i mean she basically just says whatever it takes to make sure we keep kennedy, with no intention of following through. it hurts. i am aching to my very core. i have no desire to speak to her for a very long time. they had the meeting and then decided to leave today instead of tomorrow. i feel like they figured we would calm down before the 3 months was up from their trip. dave leaves in 36 hours, i have zeds birthday, 4kids and endless events that i need to be at. i feel like i cannot breathe, i feel like any minute i will just lose it and never return to "living" i dont know what to do, i feel so lost. and i do not do anger well. it eats up my insides, it turns me into someone i don't really like. i am afraid to close my eyes tonight, i don't want anything but to be in a cocoon, quiet, alone, unbothered, untouched, no worries. i have lost my identity, because i have tried both the evil and nice ways of living, and i will tell you what this way sucks ass!!!!!! people just find ways to fuck you over, no matter how nice you try to live your life. i am confused. that's it, sorry it's so lengthy, it might not make one bit of sense, it may seem trivial, i don't care, i hurt, so it is a real thing to me

2006-04-26T00:54:00.000-07:00

to shut my eyes
to hear only my heartbeat
to find the darkness
the constant companion
that could hide me
that could shield me
from the craziness that has
become my life
to not feel
to not hurt
to not yearn
to not cry
to not care
i seek shelter
darkness
emptiness
nothingness
solitude
to be far away
from this....
just let me shut my eyes
and let them stay closed
forever....

how do i learn his language?!

2006-04-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

how do i learn his language?! i want so desperately to make this marriage work. my life is so chaotic right now, i am ready for some peace.(not likely, anytime soon) my whole life i have been so deceived by so many people that i respected and that were in a position of trust in my life, i thought that getting away from that life would signal an end to the deceit and trickery. it is the number one thing i cannot handle from people i trust and love at this stage in my life. yet,once again, i am on the short end of the stick with the communication with dave. a few weeks ago, 2 to be exact, he was all upset that his friends were going rockclimbing for 5 days and he couldn't go, so i casually suggested that he go on friday instead of wednesday, his response was, i can't i have 3 courts pending that i am on call for, besides it's zed's birthday that saturday. i was impressed that he would consider that a reason for not going, and thought that was the end of it. today, i call him at lunchtime to check with him if either saturday or sunday would be better to go to my folks house to celebrate zed's birthday, and he says to me, this weekend? oh, i won't be home, i am clearly confused as i had removed the prior conversation from my mind, and ask if he has training or what? he says no don't you remember you said i could go to alabama hills on friday? and come home late sunday night? i am honestly dumb struck at this point, because i didn't think that was happening, and i just kind of ended the conversation, sat on the edge of my bed and starting weeping, i feel so stupid. the first weekend after the in-laws leave out of town for 3 months, my son's 12th birthday, the dinner at my parents, 4 kids, tynin at a sleepover, having to do it all alone, so he can climb. i already lined up a babysitter for the 3 girls so i could at least take zed to dinner and the movies, but i am so hurt. and the worst part is when he blames it on me, "remember you said i could go climbing" and that i almost didn't find out until friday as he was leaving. i am so fragile right now, i need to get to a stable secure place in life. i need to feel safe, and right now, i feel so off-kilter and neurotic. how do i learn to talk to him, to be heard, to hear, to understand..how?!?!?!?!?!?

what am i doing?

2006-04-23T01:25:00.000-07:00

what am i doing? i feel like i am on a conveyor belt being transported through my life. everything is so surreal, so strange and so mind numbing. i am not connecting with even my closest friends, i sit and look at them with wonderment and confusion, because i cannot carry on even simple conversations without feeling like a freak. i hear things and don't know if they were really said, i see things and can't distinguish the lines between reality and the blurriness of whatever the hell this other stuff is. my kids talk to me about things that are happening or are supposed to happen next year at school and i think that it can't be true, that they would have told the parents, i feel like it is a conspiracy or something, it makes me paranoid. what is going on?! i had all night by myself to clean and get my house in order, and i didn't get it done, not hardly anything. i just want to be normal. what am i doing? no idea!