i have decided to start blogging on my own site, instead of the group one i had been on, it started to feel like i was an uninvited houseguest, like i was blogging too many deep things instead of lighthearted fare. my life has taken a huge turn recently, i have been handed many a blow by simple things that have knocked the wind out of me. the people i felt the closest to, seem like strangers, like people i can't trust, they mean the world to me, yet i find that i cannot be honest with them about my pain, and they in turn don't come to me with theirs. i miss the closeness that was once shared, the vulnerablity, the kindred spirits, now it is about masking the people we really are, about not admitting our weaknesses, our hurts, our fears, i am scared, because it took me a long time to trust, to appear weak and out of control, to be the "real" me, now i feel like i must pretend again, to smile through the pain, to push aside the fears, to never speak of the reality that is my life. i am moving into a new stage of my life, it scares the shit out of me! i don't want to start over, i was happy with where things were going, and then it got cut off, so hang on tight, here we go again!