will i ever be wanted?

somedays i wonder, if i will ever be wanted? i seem to be very easy to toss to one side and to be forgotten. even in parental relationships, marital relationships, friendships, i seem to be unimportant, always the one to be dropped. i think this all stems back to being adopted, it is hard to wrap your mindset around someone not wanting a sweet innocent newborn baby, all my life i have been plagued with a question of "what did i do, to make my own mother not want me"? especially after having my own kids, i could not fathom someone just walking away from their child. i was sure it had to be something i did or didn't do. my whole life i have kept people at arms length, never letting people too close or telling them too much, afraid of the rejection, the abandonment, the shame of being "forgotten" again. i became an adult, had children and wanted to be a better example to them of a healthy individual, so i tried and tried to knock down my barriers, to let myself trust to let people in, and to be honest, it felt so good, to look at someone and tell them everything that was on my mind and heart, to have them not shy away, to not reject me. i feel like such a fool, now. i broke my own rules, i lost at my own game, because they did reject me, made me feel like dirt, unworthy, unlovable, all of it, and this time, it hurt far more than i thought it ever could. i was surprised at the amount of pain i feel. like a part of me has died and shriveled up. it feels awful! i can't find my direction anymore, i don't know which way to turn, the people who i would normally go to, i cannot, they can't be there for me anymore. i am so confused. so hurt, so scared that i may actually never let another soul in, for this pain feels like death, and i would never willingly walk back into this. i'll let you know if i make it through this one.