what did i do?!

the other night, i opened up and shared, really shared, i felt like i wasn't making any sense, i felt like i was spinning further out of control, i felt like i sounded crazy and that everyone finally knew how psycho i really was, i felt betrayed, and alone and abandoned at times, a few minutes later i felt safe and loved and protected, a few minutes later i dealt with the "flight or fight" mentality that has kept me crazy all these years. i wanted help, i needed it to be these people, still trying to figure that one out, but i really did need for these people to be the ones. i have learned a lot from them, their vulnerability, their sadness and hurts, their joys and laughter, their commitment to jobs and lives that few would trade them for, they are all outstanding people. i sometimes feel intimidated by them, sometimes feel superior to them, sometimes can't wait for the night to be over, sometimes don't want it to end. they mean a lot to me. and i want them in my life, i need to work on not shutting them out, on going to the next level, of opening up and letting them be in my whole life. i am scared, scared that i said too much, or the wrong thing, or hurt someones feelings, scared that i can't do what needs to be done, but today, i feel like they are my friends, they even said i was, and that i am theirs. that is enough right now, it will suffice to get me through to the next time. i hope i don't screw this up!