so many new things each and every day

ok, here goes a long drawn out post, mostly it will be long because so much is happening, but also because i might not be able to get the things out the way i want without being long-winded. i will try to start at the beginning of things, but just bear with me...ok, so i blogged about the time with mel and kelly, which let me say again was awesome, and then time went super fast and super slow all at the same time. friday night was the first time in three weeks that i even gave a thought to anyone from the coven. i just really hadn't thought about them, until i saw kincade outside of fridays, and he mouthed off to me. the weird thing is it didn't terrify me like it used to. it was just kinda annoying. then friday late night, was the first night i was alone in my house, and my new house the backyard is on a main street, so i am outside smoking and hear people talking to me, i normally would have shut down and been so submissive to them, just full of fear and feelings that i "had" to do what they say, and yet they knew i was alone, and there were 3 of them, and all they kept saying was that on saturday they were coming for me, and then it hit me that i was more vulnerable at that point and challenged them to just take me then, i mean i was alone, and there were 3 of them, they got frustrated and just left. i think i get it, if i release the fear and the obligation to god, then i have more power, and they look like puny little fools. it was a freeing moment. it made me feel like i would never be alone again. nice moment. oh, wait, i forgot to write about the therapist trip last week, let me go back. so, every morning when i wake up i remember roger, i mean the way he smelled, the way he looked, the way he sounded, all of it, and honestly it was really a comfort thing to me, i know it is stupid and how could i want to remember someone that hurt me so much, but i did, and didn't really share that too much because people have strong reactions every time his name is mentioned. but, about 10 days ago, i woke up and didn't remember, in fact i smelled...wait for it....nature! i thought it was weird but it didn't sink in until it happened four days in a row, i was forgetting roger, and it scared the hell out of me, so i called my shrink and he agreed to meet with me, in fact he took me to rogers grave, and told me that it was time to let go of him, to really let go, to not try to remember, even the good times i had with roger, to let myself grow away from what is still so familiar to me. it scares me, i feel a little lost without that first memory of the day of him, but i trust that what is happening to me is god's will. i have no other choice because i can't explain half of the things that are happening. so, now back to the weekend. saturday i got to spend the day with janice, and we had a great time. we went and saw batman, and ate and laughed, and laughed and laughed some more, we had intentional time of memory work, which she is a quick learner and has already earned leia's respect and paige's seal of approval, which is a huge deal. it was just an incredible time of healing. i am nervous because i had to tear down a lot of emotional baggage to get to a place where i could make myself vulnerable enough to trust someone to help me. it is so weird because it seems to go so easily, so smoothly, so completely, and once again, in case you have forgotten, it is a woman, and it is mostly me that is up. i am grateful that god is choosing this path for me, it is truly a blessing! that brings me to sunday, the morning was great, just an amazing time, i slept the best i had in like 2 years, didn't wake at all. by the afternoon, i was struggling, with old tapes, of doubt, and fear and rejection and abandonment, it sucked! i guess that once the devil finds your insecurities he just comes back there over and over, it pisses me off. i spent a good part of the day in bed crying and wanting to rebuild walls, i can say that it was the first time in over 3 weeks that i wasn't smiling for the biggest part of the day, i couldn't find a smile. i replayed the feelings of contamination and loss over and over, it was making me get to a point in my head where i didn't want to continue for fear of what might make it end too soon. gosh, i really despise fear! it took me out, but, i have bounced back, just barely but i have, as i write this i am once again, hopeful and have a smile on my face, it might not be as big, but it is for sure a smile. i have swallowed my pride and asked for prayer, i have stopped trying to rebuild the walls, i have made the decision to trust, i have asked forgiveness for doubting and trying to run from god and his will in my life, i have come to terms with the fact that i do not deserve sorrow and pain, that i deserve peace, hope and love. i hope to sleep tonight, and wake up with this new found, once again, hope. i have decided that hope is going to be my new word, my motto, or mantra, or whatever. hope with a dash of peace. because that is what i want to feel. it is what the waterfall makes me think of, a new cleansing, a new hope. i know this is bold, but if you ever think of me, say a prayer, not an elaborate thing, just that i will know hope and that i will embrace it. it would mean the world to me. thanks! and thanks for commenting, it is fun to reconnect even on a small level. i am thinking of taking a trip to washington to see the cosbys, if i can swing it. i hear that they have a great breakfast place up there, and it would be a blast to see baby ryland. and they are one of the few people i have yet to see. blessings on you my sweet friends, thanks for stopping by my blog and reading this ridiculously long post. love ya!