i feel more hopeful today

yesterday was a bad day. nothing left to say about that, i figured that i was done with the joy and the hope. i was wrong. i just made the decision to fight for the things i want which is joy and hope. i had help, asked janice for prayer, and she being so obedient was kind enough to oblige. it isn't easy. i have so many walls and hurts and fears, but i really want to learn to not fear life. i want to live in fullness of laughter and peace. it seems to be a constant committment, it is something that i desperately want, that i love feeling. it has caused some weird problems, like my friends, like shannon, are not sure how to take me now that i smile and laugh and have a different outlook on life. they pull back, they feel awkward, they tend to not invite me over as often. normally, that would have destroyed me. i would have been taken out at the knees. but, this time i would rather be home alone, walking around with nothing to do, than to put myself in those situations. i am learning and growing and crying and laughing and it is hard, but it is so worth it. today started out so much better than yesterday, and so far it is continuing to be pretty ok, i still am having to choose not to listen to the old tapes and lies that i don't deserve to be happy, cuz i think that i do. i am looking forward to tomorrow and what it holds for me, i think it might be a really good day. let you know......