my childhood was stolen and now my adulthood is lost

i feel like i have been robbed! again! my childhood was no picnic, neither was adolescence, and now i feel like my adulthood has been taken as well. i waited a long time to feel like i was grown up, and responsible, and secure in life. it hasn't been easy. i have enjoyed raising my kids, doing the things a mom does to make sure that they have fond memories of childhood, i have had ups and downs with marriage, though i love my husband more each passing day despite his faults and my hang-ups, i have repaired the relationship with my parents, i have developed new and lasting friendships with people, and it seems to be slipping through my fingers. when we took in kennedy, it felt scary, but i knew it was the right thing to do, i still feel that way, but with each passing day, i feel more and more trapped, more and more confined, and more and more unsure of who i am or what i am doing. she blesses me so much, with her funny little way of saying things, or her spontaneous kisses on my cheek, or the way she talks to her animals while she plays, she is a joy, who has been unfairly handed a raw deal in life, she didn't choose for things to turn out this way, she didn't want her mom to screw up and for her dad to walk out, she is just a happy go lucky child who deserves a chance. i cannot expect my children to know the meaning of sacrifice or "doing unto others" if i don't show them when the opportunity arises. i wouldn't take back my offer or ask her to leave for any reason. yet, my life has changed drastically, i really honestly truly didn't think it would be this different! i forgot how much i valued my "alone" time while the kids were in school, i forgot that cleaning house with a toddler is a myth, i forgot that my bath times are no longer a private affair, i forgot that barney does rattle the nerves after a few hundred times, i forgot how much my kids have grown and how i like not having to get them a drink or feed them when they get hungry or thirsty, i forgot how much i liked sleep and naps, and most of all i forgot that if you go out in the garage to change the laundry, take a spare key or at least a phone, because to a two year old it is "fun" to lock a grownup outside. and forget the outings to friends on friday nights, it isn't cool to have a baby, and have to feed her and change her and watch her, while the older kids are capable of playing with their friends for at least 4 hours without supervision or food. exercising, forget, not with a baby , and the topper, she sleeps with me and my husband, so....thats self-explanetory. i miss the independence i was just started to feel, i miss the quiet and the cleanliness that my house was started to have, i miss being an adult, with friends, with a date night, with all of it. i love kennedy, dearly, i just miss me!