things are rough all over

things are rough all over!!! i have had an unbelievably out of control emotional week! on tuesday, i felt like i should try to take a break from my tuesday night group, so i met with them and told them all how i felt, i will say that i was so shocked by their responses. i really felt like they would welcome the break and just the opposite happened. they all said that they wanted to continue, that even if the format had to change that it was what they wanted to do. i felt, at the time that i hadn't been heard, but now as i reflect on it, i see that indeed they did hear me, the real me, the one in so much pain that words choke in my throat, so although i was unhappy at the moment, i am really glad to know that i have a real family for once in my life, one that is there through all of the times i go through, ups and downs, good and bad. it started out as the bleakest moment of my week and turned into the shining one. thanks!!!! that night when i got home, feeling like i had overcome some obstacles and had at least attempted to speak my mind, i came home to my husband, who only a few short hours before had made me so upset that it prompted the feeling of wanting to abandon prayer group because i felt the need to concentrate on my marriage more deeply. i was forced to tell him that when he had left earlier, the only thing and i mean the only reasosn i could come up with for not moving out that second was money. it is so difficult to live together on his salary, that living seperately would be impossible. my therapist has told me that in any situation that i feel i need to get away from, i need to list the things that would make me leave and the ones that would make me stay, and then weigh them and either try to change them, or live with my decision. this time, the only reason was financial, which opened my eyes to many things. i told him that for now, we would live together, and that until i had either a job that could support him getting an apartment, or was going to school and got student loans that could help financially, we would have to co-habitate, but that i would be sleeping in the other room. i told him that i didn't think that divorce could hurt as much as the pain i have been in lately, i basically verbally vomitted all over him. i told him how hurt i was that he was not concerned with my safety, that it made me feel like i wasn't worth enough to him. i told him that him wanting to be gone every chance he had made me feel ugly and stupid and untouchable. i told him that his refusal to go back to nights, which would put us back on top financially but would cut into his workout and climbing time, just hurt so much, that his hobbies were more important that providing for our family. i told him that his refusal to compliment me unless it was sexual made me feel like i have my whole life, that i was only good for one thing and apart from that i was nothing. i confronted him on his deceitful ways, and the lying that has been going on. it was brutal, every time he tried to apologize or blame me or anything, i just said, look i am done, i don't want to hear hollow words coming out of your mouth, i don't want to fight, i don't want anything but for you to hear me, and for me to get some closure on this. he sat there, blank faced, mouth agape, tears in his eyes. when i was done, i said good night and headed for the couch. the next day he was all lovey and telling me that he loved me and trying to kiss me, and i just looked at him and said, please do not act like we do not have major drama going on, like what i said last night was some sort of ranting, we are not ok and i am offended that you can act like we are. it stopped. he has been trying to work overtime this week and call and ask me to lunch, we went to dinner tonight. but all in all, i feel a peace about what i said, i am currently looking into a few job options and am also considering school, but may not be able to this fall, perhaps in spring? i am still sleeping on the couch. i am still very nice and probably sweeter to him since i said my peace. i needed to prevent some of the hurt that was coming my way and i think that maybe i have. i am hopeful that god will restore our marriage, and will continue to fight for it. i have also been though major drama revolving around kennedy, and her mom and where she will live soon. it has been rough! i never expected to be in this kind of predicament. i still don't have all the answers. we are considering homeschooling the kids not this year but the next, too much drama with the in-laws over the tuition. a friend of mine took her little 5 year old daughter to the doctor on monday for a stomachache, on tuesday her daughter had a tumor the size of a cantaloupe removed along with a kidney, she started 13 weeks of chemo the next day. they are a mess. i don't understand. some situations with my closest friends, have escalated this week. it is sometimes so great, and the outcomes are outstanding and then there are the times like tonight, where you see a confrontation looming in the very near future where you may have to tell someone to get help for alcoholism. it has been a very draining week. my kids are sick with asthma from the air quality, zed's doctor doesn't want him getting any immunizations because of his allergy shots, but he may not be able to attend school without them. i am so tired! i am so ready for heaven. i just don't know how much more of this emotional upheavel i can bear. a boring week, with no drama, lots of sleep and no pain, i would love it, maybe my doctor could put me in a medical coma for a week. that would be so awesome. i know that i am getting desperate.