when is it enough

when is it enough? a year? a decade? when? i have pursued wholeness, freedom, joy, i have been open and willing and even hurt in the process. i keep plugging away, trying to better myself, to learn, to teach, to exhaust all possibilities, to be sane. yet, each night brings a new terror, a rude awakening, a horror not previously known. i say enough is enough. i feel alone, exposed, and vulnerable, and i don't like who i am or was or whatever. it hurts, so much, deep hurt, the kind of pain that makes you fall to your knees in gutteral cries to god, the kind of pain that you pray the ones you love never feel, and when i open my eyes, i am covered in sweat, my body aches, and i am once again alone. it isn't anyone's fault, that i am alone. people have their lives, i just need an on/off switch to time it to when i am not alone. but so far, i have no cooperation on finding this switch. so please, enough is enough. calm my mind, pause the memories, hide me under your wing. i need to rest. i can't take it anymore. please