the days and nights are blurring together

lately, my life has been on the highest of highs and then what seems like a moment later, the lowest of lows. i think that this may be the way my whole life has gone. and i also understand why in one moment my memories of childhood vascilate between happy and horrid. i know on a personal level why my mind has the ability to split. the past few days, i have been so crazy in the head. it all started innocently enough with a few couples playing games, then we started having the question game, like what is your favorite vacation, what is your favorite gift you ever received, what is the most joy besides weddings or births that your spouse has brought to you. you know fun questions, the things that make you smile. then more and more people left and it was down to two couples, things got heated for the other couple and i was scared, but the husband went to bed, and then it was dave and i and the wife. dave mentioned that he couldn't believe the blowup that occured, and then i said well at least they communicate and get it out in the open, and that it is hard to connect when you feel like stuff is being kept from you. the wife agreed, and said she knew for a fact that dave was withholding things from me. i demanded that he start being honest with me, even if it hurt. i said tell me all the things that you are keeping, he didn't, and then she said, ok, that's too hard, let him pick one thing and tell you that. she also told him that i might be hurt, that it might be harder for awhile but that in the end it would be better. so, the thing he picked is that i was fat. now, that sucks in itself, but the thing that got to me was for five years, i have asked and asked and begged and pleaded for him to tell me, and all of my friends and family and even my therapist told me, that if he was so obsessed with the way he looked, that there was no way that my weight didn't bother him, so i would tell dave that and he would swear that he didn't feel that way, and i would tell all of these people, no no dave doesn't feel that way. so when he said it, i felt so embarassed and stupid, and then i was hurt, because i felt betrayed and lied to. and then my sick mind kicked in and is so obsessed with excerising that i get out of bed every two hours to do crunches, and push ups and squats and i wake up feeling starving and making my mind not think about food. i didn't want to get to the point where i was psycho. now, i don't know how to turn it off. i am determined to lose weight, and hope to heaven that the pain doesn't take over my life. i am struggling the most with that part, the obscene amount of physical pain. but, i don't know how to get my mind wrapped around this. so, sorry that the last post sounded so drastic, but at that moment in my life, it was all-consuming. and hopefully by christmas i will be in a size 2. at least that would make dave happy.