which end is up?

which end is up? which way to turn? which path to take? which bridge to burn?
where did all the safety go? where is all the love?
my head is splitting, by heart is shriveling up, my soul is trapped in a hole.
i know longer hope, or dream or wish or plan or think.
i only want it all to end, i only want an explanation, an answer to the hurt.
i know i can't continue on, the journey is too hard and long.
i know i needed help, i know for awhile i had it, and then just like they said,
loneliness again is my friend,
no one but me needs to complete this journey,
no one but me must feel the pain,
no one but me cares if i make it,
no one but me is tired of the shame,
still i thought i should try to keep going,
try to be whole and complete,
what i got for all my effort is
sorrow and defeat.
i have ruined the parts inside of me
that saved my very life,
have wounded them more than a dozen men did,
and that hurts me so badly, so deeply, so completely,
i wish i could take it all back,
and live in the oblivion i knew
they all had their jobs, their likes and projects,
and i screwed it all up.
they told me from the time i could walk
that they were going to be there for me,
that no one would believe me
no one would care
no one would stay or love me
my head believed them
just knew it was true
but my heart kept me hoping and dreaming
now my heart knows that my mind was smart
that it was right all along
it's not just the time as all christians say
that they can't be there all of the time
it is the fact that when the novelty wears off
or not enough progress is made
one by one they exit
a different excuse each time
they leave and swear that they aren't abandoning me
but really they already had
i leave them too
or try to
but each day
i remember
the cheese and olives so lovingly prepared
the way he hid my food at in n out
the socks and crayons wrapped like gold in my closest that only can be used at certain times
the sound of angels coming from the guitar
the way i felt when i saw a tear glisten in the darkness off of her cheek
the way that i felt every week
first terror, then nervous, then angry that i needed them so much, then so happy to hear them laugh and then safe and then peace
it is gone
my fault completely
i take the blame
i trusted too much
loved good people that were out of my league
i wanted to impress them
to include them as friends
to have them as a safety net
i didn't know how to act
i tried and failed
and now easter is here
i am scared, really, really scared
i don't know how to make it through this
and i have no fight left
no hope
no desire
i am tired
and i don't know if i can live
knowing that i am a failure
and can't be anything else
i don't know where to turn
where to look
ok, of course, god, don't send me stuff saying how god will fix everything
because he very specifically told me how to find healing
how to have memories
how to find him
how to love
and learn
and grow
i know to look to him
i did
and then i screwed it up
so now i have
this