leia writes....

i haven't written for a long long time. i haven't done much of anything for awhile now. but, inside my logical mind, things are constantly brewing and bubbling over and i find that tonight i can no longer pretend and I can no longer hold in the feelings and since i have lost everyone of any significance in my life, this is my outlet. my sounding board, my shoulder to lean on. how very sad! I have so much inside of me, trying to get this out, sounding like a sane person is a wish at this point, for I know that I will ramble, and bitch and probably not make sense to anyone outside of my brain, but that is how it is and will be so; too bad. Friday was a hard day for me, for a lot of us "pieces", if you will, it was our "dads" birthday and debbie decided that she would take a chance and try to see him in a neutral setting, at his job, with lots of witnesses around to verify that she was not doing anything immoral or perverted. She had pondered whether or not she should do this and felt like it was something she really wanted to do, despite repeated protests from me. So, while she felt like she was honoring and respecting someone who had done so much for her, I literally wanted to slash my wrists from the pain it seemed to inflict on my usually logical brain. You see, I don't get it, I have tried, I have examined every view point, and while certain things make sense to me and probably make sense to people who only view things two-dimensional, to me I don't get it. Why is God so unfair, cruel and unjust? Oh and please before you start to lecture me on how I know this isn't the case, and how much God loves me, stop....most people we have met, have at one point or another complained about how the "church" or " christians" have hurt them, how ministry has disappointed them, do you ever think that maybe it is because we all try to do things in "our" time, not in God's time? Not one person that has sworn their loyalty to seeing us complete healing, has managed to stay and see it to completion. It always turns into, it's taking too long, i need to find something to fulfill this new knowledge i have, i want to help more people than just you, whatever.... their is always something else. and not just me, lots of people in our sitution tell me the same thing. a few, three as of last count, have succeeded in killing themselves. but, i digress... the thing is on friday, i wanted to be happy, about the 15 minutes we were to see our dad. i really did! i went in with an agenda, to let as many pieces visit and see that he was not dead, and that he was happy. i came up and immediately went back down and shut the door. i fell to my knees and fought off the sickness i felt wrenching in my gut. the tears fell and hatred coursed through my veins. i didn't like how i felt or who i was at the moment, but it hurts and it hurts like no pain i know. i see seri, blindly waiting to be rescued from her "job" , i hear amanda asking me if i memember where her daddy went, i stand yelling at paige to let it go, that she is not being taken down from that tree, and her whimpering and pleading are making us all crazy, she will not listen, so every night, she waits, for him to lift her out of that tree. but the thing is, this stuff, i am used to, i have kept this body going for years and years, i have seen the worst of the worst, and covered up horrible secrets to continue on. the thing that sucked, that took my logical head and blended it in a blender, whipping into a frenzy my emotions, is that this time, this day, this birthday on a friday, i looked at dad, not logically, but as a ten year old, who is tired of trying, who has passed exhaustion and who longed for the strong arm around the shoulder, that i used to push away, i dreamed of that arm, divided by pillows and never looking in the direction of the love, i wanted it more than i have ever wanted anything in my life, and i realized that it would never be. i could not take back the hundreds of times i pushed that arm off. and i would never be given the chance to do it again. forevermore, i am stuck in limbo, with no relief from my conducting, no relief from the screaming and crying, no relief, no help, no love, nothing, this is it. once again, if i had only been able to persuade her that logically it was too good to be true, and that we shouldn't trust, shouldn't open up, shouldn't set ourselves up for the pain and abandonment. i didn't try hard enough, and now we all ache, pain to the very core, and it doesn't appear to be going away ever, this is it, and so happy birthday dad, i couldn't say it then, but, i wanted you to know. LEIA