life goes on

life goes on and on and these days it seems to be a little easier to take. i haven't written for awhile, on purpose, things got to a point that i needed to not be on the computer and so i haven't emailed much and haven't blogged either. long story short; my life got to a point where i couldn't take it anymore, things got drastic, i went as far as getting and filling out divorce papers, that was a huge wake up call for both dave and i, i realized that if i was willing to cause devastation to my kids and do something so severe that i was not in a good place, and dave had to really come to terms with how this marriage was progressing. so far i have not filed the papers with the courts, but have put them away for the time being, we have decided to take things on a day to day basis and that is much easier than having expectations that are too high. the one great thing that came from all of this is that dave and i have been doing some marriage tests or whatever they are called, and basically the only way they help is by being completely honest, which even though we both thought we had been doing, we realized that we have many areas in our lives that we don't say the very core issue that we feel, we say the nice thing that won't stir the pot. i learned more about my husband in a few hours of this than i have in years, his biggest regrets, his goals, his passions, where i have failed, where he has, how are parents affected the kind of spouse we are, it was so enlightening to me, to both of us. we learned how we deal with problems in the marriage, i tend to just take the marytr role and he plays the stupid card, those are not my terms, but from this marriage thing. i will say that things are not perfect, and they are still hard, but i feel like we are learning and now that we got to that boiling point, we aren't afraid of saying the wrong thing to make ourselves heard, we just want to be honest and even if it hurts it is working so much better! i am skeptical, and scared but i also want to pour myself into not just staying married, but doing it so that happiness and joy are there as well. the one area that is most evident is in the kids, he finally told me that he gets jealous of the time i spend with the kids and how much i do for them, i have tried to focus more on him when he gets home and he in turn has taken on a bigger role with the kids, so that situation is a win-win. i am moving forward cautiously, but hopeful. it is the hardest thing i have done, in a long long time. with a little setback last week, as all three kids and then finally myself got a horrid case of the stomach flu! it was horrible! dave managed to not get it, and i am still tired and worn down, but not puking. i am looking to making even more changes and learning and growing and trying to move ahead. this is a new beginning and i want to make sure that i put as much into this as i have into all the other areas in my life. i need to learn to ask for things correctly, to listen, and to be willing to put my kids needs or wants on the back burner if it interferes with my spouse. its a lot to tackle, but so far i am liking the results. now, if i could just figure out how to make the memories stop, i would be on top of the world!!!!