is it ever going to get better?!

is it ever going to get better?! i have had a really awful last couple of days, weeks, months, whatever.. on christmas eve dave bought me the puppy of my dreams, a long-haired chihuahua, it was adorable, however on christmas day, it got sick, so after only actually having the dog for 20 hours, we took it to the vet er, and in three days, had lost the dog and a whole lot of money. parvo. it was pretty rough. the vet told us that we should get a dog that was vaccinated for parvo and that it should be ok, the next day we got another puppy, cuter than before and healthy. the first week, he was great, just what i needed in my life, something to be a companion for me, after the first week, this puppy got sick, we got him medicine and i proceeded to give him that medicine every hour all day and night for 8 days straight. he died in my arms yesterday morning. i thought i would be ok, i carefully cleaned and packed away all the dog items i had come to purchase the last few weeks, took care of the body, and went to sleep, i have not slept more than 45 minutes at a time in over a week. dave was hunting and the kids were at school, and i was ok, then dave got home, and i lost it. this sweet one pound puppy had made all the difference in the world to me in the short time i had him, he would curl up in my hair with his nose in my neck at night to sleep, when nature woke him, he would wake me with a paw to the forehead or a lick on the nose. it had been a goal for me to get a puppy, one that was mine, not the kids, that would be there to listen to my late night ramblings, or to hold on to when scared or remembering, one to keep me company. dave is gone so much, really i didn't think it could get worse than before, but it is constant, now he switches his days off to go hunting during the week, so he works on the weekends a lot. it sucks! but in december, he almost died in my kitchen, and i was fully aware of many things, but mostly, i have retreated into myself and am looking for ways to not be bitter at his apparent lack of concern with my companionship and abandonment issues, i just want him to be happy, i want him to live life to the fullest, that incident changed me in good ways and bad. when he got home yesterday, i fell apart, not one hour after he got home, he was on the phone making plans to go hunting again tomorrow and the next weekend, all of a sudden a wave of hollowness and pain engulfed me, i missed that puppy, i needed that puppy! the night before he died, i was home all alone, just me and gizmo, the kids spent the night at the in-laws after awana ,and dave for whatever reason left for hunting at 11pm. i held my sick puppy, and marveled at how that tiny thing had made me unafraid, and not lonely. it was easier to not curse my husband and my life when i had something else to love,. i have felt so much loss this past year, i have felt like i have lost almost everyone i ever cared about. really, even the friendships i still have, are changed and time limits make it seem like i am always alone. when i lost that puppy, i just became overwhelmed with the sense of loss. i was again alone. i had lost someone else i loved. i feel like i am cursed and marked. today, i woke up to callista puking, and then dave locked his keys in the car with it running, and couldn't find the extra key, i had to jump up and run the other kids to school, in a car that was frozen, they were late and tynin starting crying, because for her a tardy is the worst thing that has ever happened to her. then i realize that on tuesday i filled the car with gas, dave took it hunting yesterday and now the gas light is on, and i don't have cash or the card, because dave is now in charge of finances and i am not allowed. well, supposedly he is to give me money each week, but so far, nothing. i am so done with this life, and the pain and loss it brings. i feel like i am in hell. really