oh man!

oh man, oh man, oh man! That is how i am feeling right now. As many of you know, tomorrow is my most hated day of the year! ok, really, it is. and i have done a good job of protected my kids from the craziness that i feel each year at this time. well, wouldn't you know it, kids grow up and pretty soon, "i said so" is not an ok answer to life's issues. with the way things have gone for me this year, i decided that they were old enough to make the decision about dressing up for halloween up to them, first it was excitement, then it was doubt, then it was fun for a few days at trying to decide what to wear, then it was they didn't want to do it, and then it was wearing pajamas and slippers, and so on and so forth. well, today the kids were pestering and pestering us for more information as to why i hate halloween. every pat answer that we gave to them was not appeasing so they would tag team us for more info. finally, it got to the point where i looked at dave and we went outside and decided that we should inform them of some of the background of my life. so, we told them about the satantic cult and the abuse(minor things), we told them about halloween and we told them about a lot of things i really hoped i would never have to share with them. we didn't tell them about the mpd, we said things that my mind would protect me and that it would shut down the rest of my body, stuff like that. we didn't go into the horrible abuse, just surface things, we answered tons of questions, we asked them tons of questions. and an hour and a half past their bedtimes we were finished. it was almost a relief to me, in a weird sort of way. i feel like maybe now they will understand that i am not lazy and hate sports, that my body just doesn't work like it should because of my past. i told them that they never have to be afraid because we have prayed for their protection since before they were born. we told them not to share it with others, that we would talk about it or answer questions anytime. it was hard, but freeing. i am not sure what will happen between my kids and myself now, but i feel like i waited until they were asking, and that i was careful with what i said, and that i prayed and gave god the glory for my life as well as theirs. i hope and pray that they will be unafraid and continue to live for god. i got a lot of "i love you's" before they went to bed, which was nice on this night. tynin is still wearing pajamas, but callista who originally was the most excited at the thougt of dressing up, said no way she didn't want to and didn't care, and zed never wanted to. i hope that i did the right thing. only time will tell, but i think i did. only one and a half more days, just til the sun rises on wednesday, then maybe i can get some routine and normalcy back into my life.