an open letter to my prayer family past and present

to my dearest prayer family past and present,
i expect that most of you knew this was coming. i wanted to believe that it wasn't. i am not going to lie to you, nor am i going to try to make this any different than i feel it has to be. i know that i am risking a lot by doing this. i know that most of you will argue that i am making a huge mistake. and truthfully, i am not sure that i'm not. all i know is that for now, maybe forever, i am no longer going to be going to prayer. i love all of you, i know that i will probably lose a lot of you in my life because you disagree with this decision. i am going to have to accept that. i don't have to like it, but i will accept it. each of the people that have come into my life and assisted me on my path to healing, mean the world to me, each of you have brought something different and needed to my journey. even if i have not known you as long as some others, because of my "condition" i feel like I have known you since my childhood. it is extremely difficult to explain my decision without sounding like a spoiled whiny brat, which i very well could be. at this point and time, my life is hanging in the balance. my marriage is non-exsistent, financially we are worse off than our first year of marriage, my health isn't great, extremely busy being a mom, my therapy has been cut from once a week to once a month, feeling extreme loss at losing george, i could continue for a long time. right now in my life i feel like i am in a crossroads, i feel like i need to move forward and figure things out. i also know that i feel more fragile and more vulnerable and empty than i have in many many years. i spend most nights, crying and praying that i don't fall asleep so that i don't have to remember things. i spend the days mourning the place my life has landed, and my afternoons running with three precious kids, and the evenings praying that my husband will talk to me. part of the reason i think my healing was on the fast track was that i truly believed that someone cared about me and wanted to be a part of my life, not just of my healing moments. i had interaction with him outside of ministry time, emails, calls, just a quick hello are you doing ok. when i asked him to quit coming on tuesday nights, i asked god to provide me with a clear vision that each member could take a small piece of what he brought to my healing and then it wouldn't be too much for any one person. i didn't feel like this was clear to me, and i feel like the scariness and the uncertainty and the pain of starting up and hoping to see it through to the end is more than i can emotionally deal with at this time. it is not a slam on anyone because i owe you all so much for seeing me to this point. i have been told repeatedly that i am the exception, that most mpd's do not ever find success in their lives, that they are stuck, most without marriage, kids. most find that death is easier than fighting a never ending battle. which is how i feel. i have been out for 15 years, and still the memories are like they were yesterday, the threats are still new, and i have really tried. but, i am still not whole, and still not done. i am frustrated, and scared that it will never end. i find a way to make it work, and it takes too long and while everyone elses lives grow and move forward, i am stuck. i can't start again, i am scared, and the pain makes me sick. i think perhaps that this is has good as it gets. or as george says, maybe i should just try to find a retired couple who have lots of time. i understand if you want to write me off. you may think i am a quitter, you are entitled to. but, i want to thank you so much for getting me to this point of my quest. i have grown and evolved so much the past few years, people notice, i am able to cry now, and laugh, and try new things, i have learned what it was like to have a dad, and a family, one who i didn't have to be tortured by to feel love. i learned to trust, to share, to educate, to be taught, i have learned how to let go for the sake of others, to hold on for myself, and to love and be loved. a few years ago, i couldn't stand to be touched, and yet slowly i have hugged all of you. so, please know that i wouldn't trade this experience, this healing and freedom and wholeness for anything!!!!!! i am a better person/persons for having you in my life. i hope that you will continue to let me blog and email and still consider me a friend. i love you all!!!!! i hope that you will still pray this next month for me. i understand if you don't. thank you thank you thank you for loving me!
your friend, ....................................