this is so nervewracking!!!!

this is so nervewracking!!!! i have so much on my mind that i feel like i am a hamster running in that circle wheel thingy, going fast but never getting anywhere. tomorrow is a huge day. the kids start school, zed in junior high! i am feeling like i am not at all prepared like i usually am. i have the backpacks and lunchboxes, the new shoes, the first day of school outfits. i am not sure on the school supplies, i have to get two kids haircuts today, i have to buy groceries so that they won't starve. i have to set alarms and and be ready to go early in the morning. i also have to study for this test tomorrow. i am doing better, really i think i am just memorizing math rules and doing the best i can, but i have some hope now, instead of dreading it completely. i had to fill out an application online today, and that took a lot of wind out of my sails. i haven't worked in like 15 years. how do you build yourself up when you look like a failure? there is also a whole new element to this job thing. shannon's neighbor decided that she wants the job of shannon's aide. she was told about it first and declined, then changed her mind after i was told about it. so, if she can find childcare, she will probably get the job. i am a little upset about it. it all of a sudden turned into a competition. it feels ugly to me. i don't want to be in the middle of a battle. so, now, even if i pass the test i will either have to settle for being a sub, and going to a different school everyday or perhaps being placed with someone i don't know and may be intimidated by. i am sure that there are a lot of people out there that i would feel ok with, and i am praying that will be the case. there is also the consideration of the school being far away from my kids school which could present a problem. so, for now, i am just going to pray that god's will be done, and that i can hopefully pass the test. then i will go from there. but today i feel like giving up. i feel like something was stolen from me, i am still not sure why i feel this way, it seems pretty selfish and not how i normally feel, yet it feels like that to me. i am trying to make that feeling go away. i do have more hope today with regards to the marriage situation. dave is attempting to make changes. mostly they have to do with doing "stuff" but i am hoping that soon he will stop trying to fix all the outward things and focus on the inward stuff as well. i hope that soon i will be able to have a routine in my daily life, whatever direction it takes. if i have a chance of getting a job that would start next week, the rest of this week will be very different than if i don't pass that test. either way, i want to have a great week and enjoy my kids and husband and friends. i hope that all of the people i care about, have a great week! let you know how my shapes up...