a summary of the past week

here's a summary of the past week that i have had.... some of the highest ups and lowest downs in ages! the place that i am usually at most nights "the porch" at my best friends house is under going rennovations, so that has left not just me but quite a few others puzzled over how to spend their evenings. things got rough on the porch , too much alcohol, too many people, some violence and lots of denial and then a realization that there was a huge problem going on. none of it had to do with me, but it has affected a lot of things in my day to day going-ons. it is a good thing, but none the less a change. my girls are in cheerleading right now and i am faced with the unpleasant memories of how cheerleaders affected me in high school. i am almost regretting letting them do it, but they love it and so far do not seem like the awful trolls who tormented me. but it is still a sore spot. went away for the weekend with my family and some friends, mostly single, the weather was absolutely perfect, though i did get sunburnt and now that the peeling on my face will not be fun! right before i left town, had a conversation with my mother-in-law, that was basically telling me how fat and ugly i was, no seriously, in 7 minutes there were 3 very very brutal things said to me, that left me stunned and speechless. i spent the whole weekend, feeling like a piece of shit on someone's shoe. horrible. may i never, ever treat anyone like that, especially someone i say that i love and care for. the whole kennedy situation is horrid. the guilt trips i recieve daily make me unsure of how long she will be living with us, and that is weighing on me. dave and i are worse than ever! on sunday we said about 50 words to each other the entire day! i am desperate to find a job and move on. someone asked me this weekend if i stilled loved him, before i would automatically have said YES, but this time i didn't answer and have been obsessing about it for 3 days. still don't know the answer. today was long, told my mom that my marriage was bad, really bad, she told me that she needs her spine fused together and doesn't want to do, but that she can barely walk at this point. it was a downer of a phonecall. we had zed's junior high orientation tonight, and i got to see george, which i can honestly say, brightened up my heart more than i could have ever imagined. the only bummer was when he asked dave how the climbing was going, dave said, good but i haven't gone too much, ok, here's the truth, 4 times in the past 6 weeks. i guess that isn't enough. i was so shocked at his response. i had dave take the kids home, and went to shannon's tonight, i needed that!!!!! it was great to be with her! she is trying to help me find a job that fits my criteria. there were a bunch of other friends over, and when i left at 1:15am, one of them told me that i was loved, and i almost started to bawl. the hurt rushed over me like a tidal wave, it was like i was hearing it for the first time. i didn't realize how much i had been keeping things in and trying to deal. my kids start school in a week, and i am curious how i will handle it. i know that i need rest. i know that i need to learn how to do certain things around the house, just to stay sane, and i know that i will be busy. so that is how the week has been, i went from the warm loving proud feelings at the bonfire on the beach, to having a dead bird(seriously) on my front porch this morning, after dave left for work, before i got the newspaper. i left it there and had dave throw it out when he got home. but, come on. what the hell was that. i am so glad that it is tuesday. i need tuesday, especially this one.