wow

wow! that's all i can say. i think that today was the day that makes it hard to have to wake up in the morning. i have been in a place of real reflection lately. feeling fat and ugly, feeling like i need to not be a professional babysitter, but actually have a real job, questioning how healthly my friendships are, being financially strapped, feeling like i am the lonliest wife on the planet, wondering if i have screwed up my kids completely. you know, all the stuff that one day, penetrates you brain and makes you think until you can't think anymore, and then you strive to make solutions. i spent all day monday crying, for no reason, other than i didn't imagine being in this place at this point of me life. tuesday felt a little better, although the baby i watched screamed her head off and i felt stupid because i am a babysitter, i got asked to coach my daughters volleyball team which felt good, because i want to connect with her, i got the kids dialed in with all their stuff, and felt like the day was improving each hour, way better than the day before. i had prayer tonight, and was scared really scared to go, but knew that i should be there. things unraveled quickly on my way there, my mother in law called and screwed me over financially again! kennedy's mom called and sounded like she was cranked out, i decided to call my mom and talk to her, i figured at least she loved me and would protect me, the phone call went bad! she hung up on me, and i am still not sure why. it stung. i felt alone, i have not been connected with dave for a long time, and yesterday found out accidentely that he had opened a new secret email account. it hurt. so, by the time i get there i am ready to be around people that maybe like me some. i got an eye opening tonight. i had to let go of someone close, and now have to decide what step to take. i feel a peace about releasing this person. i want him to be happy. no matter what it costs me. as a person, i feel like i am done. i am a sucky wife, friend, daughter, daughter in law, and mpd. the one thing i have left is being a mom, and if i screw that one up, i am done. i don't look forward to tomorrow, i don't want to wake up if you want the honest truth. one more day to feel dirty and stupid and lazy and unattractive. but, i still got my kids, for now......no other decision can be made tonight.....that's it, going to bed.