mama said there'd be days like these

there are days that fly by, there are days that crawl along, there are days that bring utter joy and days that fill my heart with despair. today was a day that fits all of the above catagories. things in my little world have been rougher here lately. financial issues bear the brunt of the term "rougher". it seems like when your bank account empties, things seem bigger and harder than they really are. a fear creeps over you that shouldn't be there. and when the chips are down, it seems like all of a sudden more and more things become due, school pictures, cheer sweatshirts, yearbooks, and countless other things that normallly would be no big deal, but all of a sudden, it is scary. i feel like i have failed my family, like i have personally let them all down. it sucks, especially at night, when i try to fall asleep, but my mind will not shut down, and the thoughts plague my sleep. there are no easy or quick solutions to this problem at the present time. but i have hope. there is drama in just being a mother, the constant barrage of homework, the sports, the pain when things don't turn out so great for one of my kids, the sicknesses and the reality that most days i do this alone. some days, i long for time to rewind itself, to take me back 5 years, to a time when our family life clicked, and there were two parents sharing the load. we might have had marital problems but we were incredible parents! it didn't seem so draining, so overwhelming when the load was split. but now, it feels like he is spitting in my face with every task i do with the kids. he was sick last week, stayed home from work, couldn't get off the couch, i asked very very little of him, just to help callista with homework, he didn't even need to move off the couch. he couldn't do it. but then he went hunting for 3 hours, and when he came home he said he wasn't feeling good and was going to lay down, but 12 minutes, only 12, his friend called, and in less than 10 minutes he was out the door to go work out for an hour. only to come home and lay around until the kids were in bed. at which point he miraculously recovered and went to some friends house. now, i understand not feeling well. but, i don't get the option of not being a mother. somewhere along the way someone said it was ok for a father to forego all of his responsibilities due to illness, and that said illness was capable of coming and going depending on what activity was available. i know, i sound bitter, i guess i truely am. it hurts. and then the weekend arrives and he has to go hunting, tells me he will be home at 6:30pm, so once again as i am leaving to take the girls to cheer, he by the way had missed all the other games and promised them he would be at this one, but then "talked" to them and they were ok with it, anyways.... i think that money is tight and paying for zed to go made no sense, and since dave would be home soon, he could stay by himself. well dave got home at 10:30pm and it wasn't good, i had called zed and told him that i would come get him so he could eat with his grandma who had invited us to eat, and he said that his dad would be there soon and not to worry about it, around 10 the calls from zed were frantic, and i started to drive home to get him, only to have dave call and say he had picked him up and they were on the way to where we were. i was frustrated. today he got up and went and helped someone move, and went to a gun shop, where he promised a guy he would purchase a gun, where once again comes the financial strain. he has 7 guns, not a necessity in my book to purchase another. then he slept all afternoon. finally at 7pm we started to have time as a family, dinner, and some volleyball with the kids, then they went to bed, and after that only 27 words were spoken to me, most of them questioning if i was ready for sex. so tonight, i sleep on the couch once again, tears stream down my face and my heart literally aches, wondering what my life is going to amount to, and why and how did i end up here, and why do i have to love my kids so much, and is it worth it? is doing this day in and day out what i really want? how can i find the answers? where do i look? it feels hopeless. and even on the days where it isn't completely horrible, it still feels empty and stupid. i am sick of pretending that it is going to be alright. that we are going to make it and i am sick of going to therapy and hearing how i have all the tools to communicate, and then failing at it when i try to implement it. i wish that i knew how long this pain would last. i made it through shit for 21 straight years, and then had a break and now again the dulling pain day after day has added up to years, how many years can i take this? i got out of my other shit, because i knew that it would never change, it would always be the same, it always had been, so i got out. i don't honestly know if this will ever change, and i don't know if i can stay 20 more years trying to "see" if it may change. today sucked, this week sucked, and this month sucked. i think honestly this year has sucked. i know that i should be writing witty, funloving blogs, but dammit, i can't right now, so be warned, for awhile it won't be fun, so please just stay away from here, if it bothers you. because it is my only source of venting right now. it is my comfort, and my safety, i have nowhere else to go, i need to bitch, and i am not offended if you stay away, check back november 1st, it may be better by then, thanks!