today i was strong

today i was strong. it's not like i have never been strong before, but lately; i feel like i am paralyzed in my own mind and body. i have been unsuccessful in creating a novacaine for my feelings and emotions. things hurt, or rather, i hurt. i have felt this huge gaping wound from losing my mom when i was six. huge. it has affected everything i have done, or become in my life. a daughter, a wife, a friend, and a mom. i spent years being so terrified of loving my own kids because i always pictured my mom loving me so much and dying inside when she was seperated from me, i always thought that it was a matter of time before someone or something ripped my kids away from me. i was a cautious mother. it was that simple fact that led me to a friend, shannon, who seemed unafraid of loving her kids and showering them with affection. i told her i didn't want to be afraid to love anymore. she promised that she would help me find someone who could help me to learn to feel again. i truthfully thought she was delusional. i seemed to have done alright for myself without feeling too much. but the thought of being the kind of mom that i always dreamt that mine was, took over my mind and heart and i desperately wanted to love that way. at first i was scared, really scared, i felt vulnerable and weak, i wanted to run, but i wanted to give my kids the one thing i never had, a real mom who loved them no matter what, and i wanted them to be secure in that love, not to ever think it could be ripped away from them. it was so hard! some evenings were harder than others! i think that there were nights i would have rather died than "seen" what i did. i don't know why it happened that god led me to the people and the places he did, i don't know to this day, i figure by now i don't need to know. but i do remember vividly being around people and them telling me how fun i was and how scared of me that they used to be, and how i was closed up and mean, but now they felt like they could talk to me. at first, i admit it, i was so offended! yes, offended, that they would tell me how horrible i was, but after pondering the things that they said, i realized that it was the truth, i kept everyone at an arms length, i didn't want to get hurt. soon i was trusting people, and laughing with them, and looking forward to the hell i would go through just to be around these people. a lot of them have moved on with their lives, but i still remember nights with them vividly. every detail. swear! it is like i just saw them, but it isn't true, it has been a long time for some. i told myself that i would never give up, that until i had nothing left to remember i would go. i broke that promise to myself about a month ago. i didn't realize the pain i would feel in my heart and soul from letting myself feel. i didn't expect the pain to linger and lounge around freely on my heart. i thought i would hurt for a few days, and then i would move on, go back and face the newness of what i had to do. but, i didn't know. i didn't know that i would feel like i did when i was six, and my mom died, because 30 years later, that still hurts so deeply. i didn't know that by losing a "dad" that it would feel like death. i didn't know that i couldn't make the pain stop or even lessen. i didn't know that even thinking about the rest of my group would bring such terror to my soul. just trying to walk in without a father there. i didn't know. i honestly didn't. i would never had said that i would do anything. i never would have thought that i could be wounded that way at this point in my life. but, my point was that today i was strong. i don't get to go to therapy but like once a month anymore, bummer, and today i was sicker than a dog, and was going to cancel, when my doc suggested that a phone therapy session might work, and it was like two and a half hours! i finally opened up and expressed to him, that i don't know how to recover from losing this part of my life, and that i still don't feel recovered from losing my mom thirty years ago. i bawled like an infant. the pain was so intense that it scared me, and he said that i was strong and brave for admitting that i still hurt, that i was progressing because i didn't try to act all badass about the situation, but felt. he said there were no quick fixes to this, and a lot of other mumbo jumbo crap that shrinks always say. he said that he may have to get me on sleeping pills, because i am sleeping less and less and my immune system is shutting down. i told him that i would be sleeping next week sometime and not to worry. today i am strong, because i felt, it sucked and i didn't want to off myself. that is progress ladies and gentemen, however small, it felt huge today.