and the word for today is..........confusion

ok, so there is no other word to describe what i am going through except, confusion. i spend a lot of time second guessing myself, third guessing myself and so on. october is horrible for me, and this month there happened to be a friday the 13th thrown in the mix. i spent so much of that day, wishing for an escape. i spent tuesday wavering between going to the barkers and in the end decided that i couldn't stomach any more confusion. i have heard from my daughters how much they hate this time of year because everyone asks them what they will be for halloween and they hang their heads and say that they aren't allowed to dress up. tynin especially seems so traumatized by this. it hurts me deeply. i spent tonight debating with my husband, if it was truly worth putting my kids through this any longer, standing up for something i believe in, when it doesn't make sense to them. will they resent me later in life? does it really matter anymore? i used to have such strong convictions about this type of thing, but as of late, i don't know that i care. i have even been invited to a costume party, not on halloween but still, is it any different? dave thinks that we should explain our aversion to halloween to the kids and then let them decide for themselves if they want to dress up. i feel like i don't want to explain anything to anyone ever again. what is the point? i feel like i have more questions than answers from god right now. i feel like i started something that had no end. i question whether or not i want my kids to go to a christian school or to church. i will confess that when i saw some coven members watching me, watching my girls play soccer, i felt a sense of pride because tynin played so well on saturday. maybe they saw it? i hoped secretly. they used to be a big part of my life, and for reasons that somedays i understand, and somedays i don't; i threw them out of my life. yet, each time i turn around they are there; begging to be let back in. and on the other hand, i miss friends, but feel like i am the one doing the begging; please help me, please let me learn how to heal. i don't know which way to turn anymore. dave is deeply disturbed, because everyday, i tell him, i don't care anymore, i give up, let's celebrate halloween, let's decorate and hand out candy, let's dress up. he is scared. maybe he should be, but maybe i have been duped into thinking that where i came from was the "bad place". maybe i have always been confused about their role in my life. i seem to have made it way further in life with those people, some physical pain, but i didn't know that at the time, in fact i didn't know it until i met christians who wanted to save me. yet, confusion is all i know right now. i want to be clear headed. i want understanding. i want to not be the bane in peoples lives. i want to not push things onto my kids that might not be so bad after all. so, i wait for answers, that need to come soon, i need to know what to do.