relieved is a dirty word

relieved is a dirty word to me.
i remember her blood on my hands,
i can't remember if she had yet stopped breathing,
but i will never forget
roger leaned over to me
and said
i am just so relieved that "she" will never have to see "you" again.
i was six.
the only other time i can recall ever hearing that word
was when my dad would excuse himself to go relieve himself.
so i figured it was something dirty.
throughout my life i have heard the word
relieved
used many times when describing something about me.
my parents, sitting in the hospital waiting room
after i miscarried from a drug overdose,
told me how relieved they were that i would not be having a child.
my school principal told me how relieved he was that i would not be returning
my senior year to his school.
my best friends parents told me how relieved they were
that their daughter would no longer be seeing me.
the list is endless....
really it is
today i heard that word used to describe me again.
" she is so relieved that i won't be seeing you, that that part of my life is over"
it hurt so deep.
so incredibly deep.
i came into this world
branded
named
and shamed.
people cannot understand why i have such a rough exterior.
why i cannot trust.
to me it is simple,
everything i touch
turns to utter shit.
once people find out about me,
they run.
they act as if it has nothing to do with me,
believe me i have heard every excuse in the book.
but it is the honest people who
are so relieved to be free of me,
that's who i believe.
abandonment is a dark and lonely hell.
it is the single most important obstacle that i had wanted to conquer in my lifetime.
to be able to not fear
relationships
friendships
hugs,
to be able to welcome people in my life,
and be fine when they have to part.
but,
i have not beaten this demon in my life.
it is always there,
reminding me that i am not worth anything,
that people are relieved to finally be free of me.
don't try to explain that away with niceties and bullshit.
it is what it is
i am a despicable creature
and you should all be relieved to be free of me.
i don't blame you.
it is what it is.