heeeere's october

so, october is here. by far my favorite month of the year. it arrived, with a vengeance. everyone in my family has had the flu this past week, every day someone new was puking and crapping. today, i think it may finally be over. dave was the last to get it, and he told me that he is going to work tomorrow. but, at the same time, callista, who was the first to have it, told me her stomach hurt before bed. i have to say, that as far as october's go, this one is by far the worst, since probably i was 21. really. i have lost all control over my desires to continue living. it is so against what i have worked for for the past few years. perhaps, i put too much of myself into becoming, whole and free, and left nothing for the reserve times. I don't know. all i know is that everyday is such a challenge for me, so painful and so full of urges to be places i don't belong and do things i have no business doing. it is hard to be in a loveless marriage, with three beautiful children that i brought into this world. i want what is best for them, but right now, i don't think i am it. my hugest dilemma is that i cannot bear the thought of leaving them to dave. he has no time or desire to be a parent. his biggest concern right now is finding time to fit tri-atalons, climbing, and hunting into his schedule every week. he told me that if i get a job on the weekends, that he will sign the kids up to do a tri-atalon, as a team. and that they can wait for him to finish after they are done. what the hell is that?! each day my resentment towards him grows bigger and more defined. i feel as if somedays i will implode from trying not to blow up at him. he lives in his own little world, and has recently told me that i have an aversion to all things fun. and if i didn't i would love that he has so many hobbies. he must have been valedictorian at bullshit university! who says that kind of shit? i live in a numbness right now, maybe i will wake up after halloween, and have feeling again. maybe i won't make it to halloween and the suffering will just cease. maybe, i will learn to create the ultimate fun person who loves to be alone and is so proud to have a husband that never wants to be with his wife and kids. that would solve a lot of problems. my thoughts, are what they are, and i am not here to write cutesy flowery shit, i feel like shit and so that is what i will write, it is all i can get out. sorry