a little over a week left

a little over a week of hell left. and for the second time this month i am sicker than a dog. not surprised really, just annoyed. i have been doing alright, considering the time of year. dave has actually stepped up and not done any extra things this month, but focused on being with me and keeping me safe. i think he knew that i was ready to return. and that is unacceptable to him. so, i am doing the best i can to not return to old ways and comfort. i have been so busy with kids and their activities and being sick that i don't have much down time to really plot out a return. i am missing friends, especially shannon this month. our relationship has changed a lot, since her new job, and her return to school. i rarely see her and feel like i have been replaced a lot of the time. i still love her and consider her my best friend, i just miss the old times. i have read a lot of blogs lately that are mainly about questioning how to be a "good" christian. this astounds me! like it is so hard to listen to the holy spirit and to just obey? i think that people are basically looking for a niche in their faith that fits into what they want to do, or have time to do, or feel comfortable doing. i don't think that they are really unsure about how to be a christian or a good one even, they just want props for doing what they want to do. i am guilty of this as well. i get so bent at other christians that i don't feel like trying or even doing. i have seen god work through people and then the devil enters and screws it all up and then they seek out a different way and ignore what the holy spirit is putting on their hearts, because it isn't comfortable or it doesn't fit their time frames. are we really wanting god to put time constraints on our faith? do we expect him to work at certain times, or to take in to consideration our fears and only put things in front of us that feel nice? i don't know, i told you; i have so much confusion and questions this month that i don't know, i am searching as well as everyone else. it just seems that it shouldn't be up to us. in the coven we didn't get a choice, if you were in, than you obeyed and followed the protocol, in the church, they never get enough volunteers, their is always an end time, and their is not room for new and sometimes scary events that free people. i see and read so much about reaching the lost, but wake up; the christians are lost, the whole lot of them, i have never seen so much pain and shame in my life. we need to start healing from within our "group" before we bring more people in to abandon them when their needs are too great. let's start listening and being there for other christians, let's start a movement to bring the shame and guilt out of hiding, let's make "church" a place where we don't have to hide. let's not judge, or at least let's not make ourselves believe that if we have a need we are a bad christian. let's not reach out but let us reach in. this is so ridiculous! we need to become whole and free and redefine what church is. we need to stand up and say, i am hurting, i have needs and questions and i still want to serve god, but i am scared because no one is standing beside me. praying for each other is great, listening is better, and action is required. and no i am not medicated and ranting, just ranting. i am scared for my children, i don't want them churched in a place where they cannot feel pain and question god and be loved. i am sick of the hiding and the pretending that everything is swell. bullshit! i see the people that love god, the pastors, and youth workers with abandonment issues and shame and guilt, i see the teachers with pain hidden behind a smile, i see the lies that we tell ourselves that say we are not good christians because we don't close our eyes when we pray, or that we hate a certain worship song, so we must be bad. be honest, seek out anothter christian, admit your fears your pain your shame your guilt, talk about what your life is like daily and how much of your day your spend thinking about your faults, and your shortcomings, and then allow yourself to become broken, and realize that it isn't instant. you will hurt and struggle for a long time. but, you will find a new, better, real relationship with god, with christians, and with yourself. ok, i know, you are all wishing that october would end so i would shut the hell up. and maybe i will, and maybe this is just the beginning. not trying to make friends with my opinions, just trying to figure things out for myself.