do i really want to belong?

do i really want to belong to the bigger picture? am i satisfied to stay in my cave and be lonely but safe? this past year has been the worst i have had since i was 21 and left my previous life behind. i know that i should be turning to god, to learn to be in his prescence again and feel like i belong there. i simply can't, that is the honest truth. i have tried to let go of pain, to let go of regrets, to let go of fear, of shame, of guilt, of pride, of anything that i can to get there. i thought if i gave it time that it would get easier, but it has only gotten harder. each night i am absolutely tortured by remembrances from the past, and through all that i went through, my anger is time and again directed; not at the people that inflicted the pain, but of the people who i reached out to who heard my cries for help and turned a deaf ear because they were uncomfortable. how fucked up is that?! it makes no sense to me logically, they only thing that i know is that i did things that i would never have known to do without years of coaching, and i feel deep inside that a lot of people that hurt me did so because they didn't know better. i keep thinking that somewhere, somehow, some way i will finally reach the end of this journey and be whole and free, but lately that thought is a fleeting one. i have read things that other friends write in their blogs, and i am puzzled by how absolutely freaking ridiculous people can be! i thought that blogs were about writing from the heart, about getting things out that are infecting your innards, about being completely fucking honest with the feelings you have, and yet.... people take things so personally and attack innocent feelings, and it makes me physically sick to my stomach. some of these people are the few that i would seek out in times of need, they are the ones that i think of when i awaken at night covered in sweat not sure where i am. but in reading the shit that people say to them, i shy further away from reaching out to these people, i don't want to be a bother, i don't want to add to their load. so, maybe i belong in the solitude of my cave, alone and miserable, but not hurting anyone or being hurt by anyone. fuck the world! i don't think that people will be able to hide behind their falsehoods and masks forever, can't we just be real? isn't that what the whole point of what i have been striving for, to be real, to be who i am, no alters, no bullshit? where then do i learn how to do this? why is pain and shame and guilt and crap so much easier to live in than to throw aside? sorry that i am pissy, i am just disgusted and angry and really really pissed off at mainly christians tonight, and want to find peace but don't want to join their ranks. this is just about me, don't take it personally and write evil comments to me. i am just hurting and want the fucking pain to end. that's it!