oh wow, i didn't know.

oh wow! i read the last blog entry and was so emotional about what i read! i had no idea! this past year has been hard, probably emotional and mentally and spiritually the single hardest i have ever encountered, mainly because i have actually dealt and felt the emotions. but, i will say that i would repeat many horrible years in my life, but not this past one! i think that lately i am beginning to understand why it hurts so much and why it doesn't feel like it will ever heal. i think that it is because, it was something different, something i had never really experienced before, complete truth, complete freedom, complete acceptance and unconditional love, and then it was gone, it took me a long time to get there, it was an experience i didn't have too long, and unlike the rest of my life, which i had been going through since birth, it was new and it was hard to understand how something that was working, going well, was so bad and wrong. i am learning, and trying to forgive, trying to try new things to make it through the day and mostly the nights, i am not doing well with the whole of the system, it has crashed and burned and not very healthy at the present, but i am getting up each day and attempting to reach my goal, i am trying to regroup, rebuild and not hold on to bitterness and abandonment. so, when i read leia's post i was floored, i tried to talk to her, but she fell apart, she says she has regrets, and she says that with the screwed up system it is just a like waiting for an explosion after the fuse is lit. it hurts me, i feel so responsible for their pain, for putting false hopes and dreams in their heads, i can't take back what happened, can't erase that memory from my mind, but i wish that i could comfort or make it better. if it weren't for leia, i wouldn't be here today, that is a proven fact, so her pain is very difficult for me. i don't know what to do or say, usually she would be the one i went to for this type of advice, my heart is breaking tonight, and the weirdest thing to me is that actually it is breaking for "me". this is so confusing!