dear.....

Dear George, Cindy, Shannon, Beth, Katherine, Jordan, Susan, Karo, Bryan, Laura, Mel, Ginny, Jaime, Brad, Luke, Shannon R., Corrina, Sharon, Ron, Tony, Cory, Lyndsay, Kelli and please forgive me if i forgot anyone; I need to take a moment and express my gratitude for all of the time, and prayers and friendship that you have all offered me at some point on my journey. Each of you played a part in my healing process. Each of you brought a different point of view to how I viewed life, God, love and myself. I know that I was difficult, that I was moody and that at times I was stand-offish and bitchy. I was learning, every second of every time we spent together, I was learning. How to be, how to act, how to treat others, how to let others treat me, how to treat myself, and how to love God and others. I learned that I was a part of introducing some of you to others, and that now some of you have incredible bonds and friendships that far exceeded what I had with you, and that is great, I am grateful that awesome people that I trusted found other awesome people that I trusted and that bonds were made. I am not saying that I don't feel jealous sometimes, cause that would be a lie. But, a few years ago, I was incapable of feeling jealous, so that is a plus, to have that in my ever growing list of emotions. I saw many horrible things in my life, and still have to deal with the pain of those, each day brings about some sound or smell or sight that triggers that, in fact a few weeks ago, I actually met a guy whom I had hurt in my heyday. But, the thing that he said was; after showing me a scar on his arm that I made, that I scared him and he never ventured back. But, anyways; I did see some horrible things, but in our times together I saw beautiful things, and heard them and smelled them and sensed them. I felt safe, which I rarely do, I felt accepted, even though I kept my guard up, I felt joy and anticipation, I felt like I belonged somewhere. You all had a part of that. I have had a rough year this past year, and I do not know where my journey will go next, but tonight, I wanted to thank you all for what you gave to me, you made a difference, you obeyed God, you loved the unlovable parts of me, and I am forever grateful. I know that i blog a lot and it can come across as me placing blame for the prayer family ending, and i in no way intended for it to come across that way, I know that I made a huge decision, that was my fault, and although it hurts me at times, I know that I choose it. So, my apologies if I have ever offended any of you with my blogging. When I blog, I need to purge my thoughts, and I go nuts on the keyboard, I don't always think or proofread what i write, I just want it out of my head. I know that I have hurt some of you or perhaps all at one point or another, and I am truly sorry. I never meant to cause hurt to the very people that were trying to help me. I know that some or all of you could care less if you ever heard or saw me again, and I hope that you know that you still made an impact in my life, and I am sorry and hope that you can let go of any bitterness towards me. I know that some or all of you don't trust me and I apologize for that, I don't know if I could do anything about that since I have issues with trust and am very guarded and prickly. I do apologize if this makes you uncomfortable with me. I think that I have learned a great deal the past few years and am a better mother because of it. I wish you all a very full and blessed life, and I just wanted to say thank you for all you did to help me. You mean the world to me, and I blessed to have known you. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.