summertime is here!
summertime is here, and that means a lot to me. no early mornings, no running around like a mad woman carpooling kids everywhere. it means a lot of swimming in a pool and hanging out with my best friend. this summer has brought about huge changes in my life. the first being that i am now a brunette, a really dark shade of brunette. i went from platinum blonde to deep dark brown. i am not sure i like it but everyone else raves about it, that it makes my eyes pop and that it makes me appear softer somehow. it is a strange thing. the next thing is that my two oldest kids are within two inches of being as tall as i am, tynin just keeps growing and growing, and is less than a half an inch from passing zed! i hope he grows soon! callista is still itsy bitsy, her weight is barely over fifty pounds, and i don't know if i should worry yet. the biggest personal change is that after trying and trying to pass my math test, i finally did and will enter the working field in august! yes, i am going to be working! the hours are great for me, 8am until 2:30 pm, so i can take my kids to school and still let them be in all of their activities. i am nervous and excited at the same time. and the money will help out a great deal. the next big item this summer, is that i got really serious with dave, really serious, i laid it out there, and tomorrow night he is starting counseling!!!! he called and made the appointment himself, which was a condition of mine. i am so hopeful that things in my life are turning around. i still have no prayer team, i tried to find people at our church, but it is too new and too scary for them to start without training, although some are looking into classes at kingdom ministries. i won't hold my breath. i figure god must want me to learn to be alone in my healing. i have begged him to stop the memories until i find help, but they kept on coming, so now i made a new one to just harbor the memories, so i can sleep. it isn't a good solution, but it is working for now, and someday the time will come and the opportunity will arise to finish what i started. i have been setting boundaries and when i know that i will be hurt or pushed too far, i steer clear, even if it means not seeing or being with people i care about. i am nervous for camp. i feel so alienated from everyone, and even the thought of seeing the thorntons or tony is gut wrenching to me now. i hope that i do see laura, but she will probably be in the hospital having a sweet bundle of love. i don't know who i am exactly right now, don't know where i fit in, or who my friends are or aren't, but i am trying to expand my mind, my heart, my confidence and my spirit. i am trying to do things for me, and not depending on others. so if i get hurt, i can only blame myself. i regard people in such high esteem, and the longer i am away from them, the higher i place them on the importance scale in my mind. you are all kings and queens to me. you have accomplished much in your lives, you have given much of your time, and loved much with your hearts. someday, i hope to regard myself, as that type of person. much love and blessings on you and your summers, missing you and thinking of you daily. loving you from afar, and wanting to better my life to prove to you that one person does make a difference, that lives can be changed and altered forever.
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