sometimes

sometimes, i lay awake at night and listen to my heart pounding in my chest.
sometimes, i hear the beating in my ears, sounding like pounding surf on the sand.
sometimes, it makes me smile, to know that i have survived and have a heartbeat.
sometimes, it makes me cry to know that it does still beat and i have to face another day.
sometimes, i let my mind go to the place where i used to feel safe and secure.
sometimes, i run from that place, because remembering it at all brings enormous pain.
sometimes, i think it is a gift to be alone, to not have anyone hanging over me.
sometimes, the lonliness of it threatens to strangle the breath inside of me.
sometimes, i look at my kids and think i have finally done something correct and good.
sometimes, i see them and wonder if i have done enough.
sometimes, i want to yell and scream and tell people that they should love me.
sometimes, i look in the mirror and understand why i am always abandoned.
sometimes, i want to go out in the morning and accomplish much.
sometimes, i want to lay in bed and cry and sleep through it.
sometimes, i want to figure out how to finish melding my brain together,
sometimes, i realize that it is as good as it is going to get.
sometimes, i want to run away, start from scratch, forget the present.
sometimes, i want to run away, start from scratch,
sometimes, i want to run away.
sometimes, i want to run
sometimes, i want to
sometimes, i want
sometimes, i