ok third times a charm
yeah i am aware that this is my third post tonight. and yeah, i don't care, i need to vent or i feel like i will explode. so, this is my outlet and i need it and so this may or may not be my last posting of the night....
there are days when i tend to forget how horrible my life was, like i truly just live in the moment. they aren't very often, but they do occur. those are remarkable days. there are days when i want to shout very very loudly about my past, to let people know, how far i have come, how much god has done, and how powerful he is. there are times when it is so painful that people judge me, judge what they don't even know. there are times when i am so embarassed by the way i am. somedays, i really hate that i have a past, not like everyone else doesn't have a past, but i really hate mine. i hate the fact that i have had to endure so many painful things, and that because of my mind, now i have to remember them and relive them all over again. i hate that at any given moment, i could lose time, and be any age between infant and adult. i hate that i have seen such evil, and i hate that at times it is still enticing. i hate that i want to heal, and to do that makes people judge. i hate that nature was stolen from me when i was a child, and i hate that foods that look so appealing make me sick because that was taken from me too, i hate that i cannot take communion without remembering some horrible thing and throwing up. i hate that i find it so terribly difficult to trust and that was also taken from me. i hate that i miss the people who tortured me. i hate that it isn't acceptable in church settings for me to talk about my past, so i have to be selective in who i can talk to. i hate that in the face of judging i have to remain silent and just take it. i want to say, hey you don't know me, you don't know what god is doing in my life, you have no idea how amazing his love and power are. why can't it be over with already god, how much longer? i trust you completely, i guess i always have, but can this be the homestrech? can this be the end to what you began, i always waited and hoped for your goodness, i always believed you wanted me as your own, there are days when it is so difficult, and yet i always come back to the promise you made me when i was so small, and i probably always will. you have been faithful, and i have been obedient and patient. i love you and know without you i would probably be dead. i know, and i am sorry for getting bitter with your people, i am sorry for losing faith, i am sorry for wanting to escape the pain of judgement. i am so sorry for being so afraid of what people say, it would be most helpful if i could not see and hear things, that is so hard for me. i know we have been through this before, and that you have not released me from it, but could you think it over once more? i am so tired, and i am so full of thoughts that sleep doesn't want to come. please dearest father, let me sleep with peace, let me know you are always there to guide me, let me seek out your truth no matter what anyone says against me, let me awaken and feel pure and not toxic, let me learn to reject the things said against me that are so very false, let me know your love, and let me feel like i deserve it. let me continue to enjoy being alone, and not being fearful. i love you and i will praise you because as much as i hate my brain on most days, you made me this way, you gave me this ability, and i trust you. thank you for bringing me this far, thank you for your promise to complete what you started, and thank you for being amazing. venting over.....feeling somewhat better......tomorrows another day
there are days when i tend to forget how horrible my life was, like i truly just live in the moment. they aren't very often, but they do occur. those are remarkable days. there are days when i want to shout very very loudly about my past, to let people know, how far i have come, how much god has done, and how powerful he is. there are times when it is so painful that people judge me, judge what they don't even know. there are times when i am so embarassed by the way i am. somedays, i really hate that i have a past, not like everyone else doesn't have a past, but i really hate mine. i hate the fact that i have had to endure so many painful things, and that because of my mind, now i have to remember them and relive them all over again. i hate that at any given moment, i could lose time, and be any age between infant and adult. i hate that i have seen such evil, and i hate that at times it is still enticing. i hate that i want to heal, and to do that makes people judge. i hate that nature was stolen from me when i was a child, and i hate that foods that look so appealing make me sick because that was taken from me too, i hate that i cannot take communion without remembering some horrible thing and throwing up. i hate that i find it so terribly difficult to trust and that was also taken from me. i hate that i miss the people who tortured me. i hate that it isn't acceptable in church settings for me to talk about my past, so i have to be selective in who i can talk to. i hate that in the face of judging i have to remain silent and just take it. i want to say, hey you don't know me, you don't know what god is doing in my life, you have no idea how amazing his love and power are. why can't it be over with already god, how much longer? i trust you completely, i guess i always have, but can this be the homestrech? can this be the end to what you began, i always waited and hoped for your goodness, i always believed you wanted me as your own, there are days when it is so difficult, and yet i always come back to the promise you made me when i was so small, and i probably always will. you have been faithful, and i have been obedient and patient. i love you and know without you i would probably be dead. i know, and i am sorry for getting bitter with your people, i am sorry for losing faith, i am sorry for wanting to escape the pain of judgement. i am so sorry for being so afraid of what people say, it would be most helpful if i could not see and hear things, that is so hard for me. i know we have been through this before, and that you have not released me from it, but could you think it over once more? i am so tired, and i am so full of thoughts that sleep doesn't want to come. please dearest father, let me sleep with peace, let me know you are always there to guide me, let me seek out your truth no matter what anyone says against me, let me awaken and feel pure and not toxic, let me learn to reject the things said against me that are so very false, let me know your love, and let me feel like i deserve it. let me continue to enjoy being alone, and not being fearful. i love you and i will praise you because as much as i hate my brain on most days, you made me this way, you gave me this ability, and i trust you. thank you for bringing me this far, thank you for your promise to complete what you started, and thank you for being amazing. venting over.....feeling somewhat better......tomorrows another day
2 Comments:
my friend. you are walking through a very hard time. hard but good, as the saying goes.
i see healing in your words. healing comes by looking at the reality and walking through it.
you amaze and inspire me. i love you.
keep walking.
Today is a new day. A new time to find hope. A new time to choose healing and allow yourself to be completely, totally, and unashamedly loved. I know that it's confusing as you will hear truth and lies both spoken, but trust and never let go. Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through.
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