i feel myself losing it

i feel myself losing it. it is a weird sensation. all my life i have suffered from depression, some people say with the life i have lived it only makes sense, others say it is chemical imbalance, others say get prayer, and some say snap out of it. and for the most part, it is just something that appears and it takes some time for me to notice that it is upon me, this time, i feel it creeping up, surrounding me, overtaking me, and i am terrified that i will not be able to stop it. i have a lot on my plate right now, and things are changing quickly. i feel like i should be able to handle the things i am going through right now, and yet, i can't. i need to stop this from consuming me, before it gets out of my control. i have been so weepy and can't figure out why little things bring me to tears. it is so frustrating. i get really angry and find myself seething for no apparent reason, and please spare me the "oh it's only pms" routine, i don't have those parts anymore, and i know the difference. i also am so exhausted and find daily life either great or horrid, depending on the minute. i can be enjoying the day and then snap i start to cry and think that i have no future and no life right now. i can be so angry and then all of a sudden i feel an overwhelming sense of love and affection towards my husband. mostly i just want to hide in my bedroom and just sleep, and not be bothered by anyone, ever. i find that i am shying away from my friends, especially if i feel hurt by them, and don't want to expend any energy into making them notice me, which isolates me even more which perpetuates the cycle. i feel like i am disappearing and no one can stop it, they may see that i seem different, yet no one can help. i have prayed and prayed and begged for some relief from this emotional vomit i am experiencing and i still don't feel any better. it gets so hard some days. today is one of those days, it is so hard, so very hard and i can't seem to get myself free. please let tomorrow be better!