i think i am starting to understand

i think i am starting to understand what may be triggering my "descent". today, was a good day, my husband came home, the baby was great, the kids were helpful, the house is clean, the laundry is done, and we had pizza for dinner. it was only after feeling my security was in place that i tried to reflect on why i am so down. for one thing, i feel like i "should" be able to handle everything that is going on in my life, and feel like such a complete failure that i can't. that is really weighing on me. also, i feel like a part of "me" is returning, the part that let's people take advantage of me, that never says no, that pushes past the limits of everything, the one that says " i don't deserve to be treated with respect, dignity, love, and acceptance" and the one that justifies the rejection that others dish out, because that is what i feel i deserve. i don't like that person, i didn't like her back in the day, and i don't like her now. it feels like i am getting a glimpse of why i "left" for so many years. i just couldn't take it anymore. i feel like a child who has been given a task that is impossible for them to complete, and yet they try until they fall apart and ask for a release from the task. that is me right now, i feel so small, insignificant, unworthy, unlovable, unlikable for that matter, and yet, i am the one people come to when it is too much for them to bear. i don't know how to break the cycle of this downward cycle, i don't know how to change myself, when it seems i am perfectly likable when i am needed, what do i need to do differently? i want to stop the hurting i feel, i want to enjoy the joy that surrounds me, i want more than anything to be accepted, to be wanted and to be loved. is that too much to ask?