i don't know which end is up anymore

i don't know which end is up anymore. i seem to just be bobbing along in life, not sure if i will make it or if i want to. each day i go to bed thinking that tomorrow will be better, and yet so far, tomorrow has been worse or the same. there are parts of each day that are worth their weight in gold, but for the most part i am sinking in depression, wallowing in sadness, floundering in despair, and my "hope" seems to be dangling just out of my grasp. i can't pinpoint what is the cause, probably a number of factors, but i know that most of the things in my life cannot be removed so i am stuck wondering how to get free from the shit. i don't even know where to start. really. i cannot imagine that my life will be this way for the rest of the time i am alive. i can't bear to think that. i need a release from this pain, from all of it. i just want it to end, to be able to rest, to breathe to sleep, to relax and to live a life without this shit. i feel like i am drowning, my head bobs up and i take a deep breath, only to go under and not have enough breath to stay down, so i bob back up gasping for air, and each deep breath i get decreases in size, because i spend so much time trying to catch my breath from being under, but the cycle doesn't end, i always come back to the surface, how long will i be able to do this? i hope not long.....