life is taking a turn

ok, i know, i haven't blogged in awhile, or emailed, or called, or visited. all i can say is sorry, and is that really ever enough? my life is changing daily, and it is so overwhelming to me, that i feel like i have nothing left to give at the end of the day. first things first, i am still married, just barely at the moment, but have been given an extra burst of "sticking this out, for better or worse". i am still the mother to three kids, who are growing up so quickly and each and every day is a shocker to me when i am around them. the two huge new items in my life, are that i have a new dog, his name is smeagle and i haven't killed him yet, and he is a huge comfort and joy to me. really, having him around has given me a window of hope and love again. i will post pictures soon, right now my computer freezes up if i do anything so i cannot post them. the other major major thing that is happening, is i am going back into the workforce, as of the 20th of august. i passed the stupid math test and i got an interview and hired twenty minutes after the interview. i have been fingerprinted, tb tested, and filled out tax forms for the first time since leaving the occult. i am going to be an instructional aide for special ed adults. it is basically a life skills class, where they are taught, laundry, cooking, jobs, transportation and other skills needed to move to either a group home or apartment. i am looking forward to it, but truthfully i am so terrified that i am not sleeping well at all. this summer has brought about many painful painful emotions in me. dave and i have seperated a few times, for very short timespans. family camp turned out to be an awesome experience, we really learned a lot about the word, which builds me up and ignites a fire in dave. i got to see ryland walker, who is the second most beautiful newborn boy i have ever ever seen. his pureness and light frightened me and i was terrified to hold him for fear of contaiminating him. i cried and cried each time i would walk over to see him only to be so overcome with fear and self worth issues that i couldn't make myself knock on the door. i am embarassed, i am saddened and i am regretful. i also was very nervous and afraid of speaking to tony, who i consider a great sounding board, and who will always be a role model for my spiritual journey. just felt like a cloud of disgusting whatever was going to descend upon me and make me ruin those relationships as well. i couldn't even say goodbye to the cosbys or tony. then there is the mel thing, i got an email and a phone call, i wrote it on my calendar, was so excited to finally be with mel. and then i thought, i can't hurt mel, i cannot taint her enthusiasm, and her joy, it would be best to steer clear. same with the barkers. many nights, i have sat in my car watching their house, remembering, the peace i would feel there, and trying to remember the closeness. i am fucked up! i am at a place in my life, where new things are happening, where things could drastically change for me. and i realized the other day as i hugged my daughter, i feel so disconnected. and then it hit me, i am disconnecting. i am not well, and i am not whole. i cannot live with the pain, so i have started trying to "unlearn" emotions. i have not been a good friend, but in my mind, i am doing the best possible thing by staying away. i yearn for an end to this whole fragmented mind. have wandered how to stop it. i am not even sure that i am not 100 different parts again. time escapes me, money is missing, i am bruised and not explanation ever comes to me as to where they came from. i have failed everyone who ever tried to help me. i didn't finish the journey, i didn't get the freedom and wholeness i chased for so long. i didn't make it. i am so sorry to all that have put in time and love, and money and emotions. i didn't ever think that i would have screwed up so badly. i hope some day that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me, and i hope that someday you will help someone else and not be detoured by my failures. i don't know how else to say sorry. i don't know how else to make things right. i did make it to a point in my life that i never thought i would and that is at least something. if ever i make it to heaven i will ask why god wanted to ever let a failure like me be put into this world. i have come to the conclusion that i need this blog to be an outlet for me, i have been bottling up stuff and need to have the word vomit that writing brings to me. so, i will be throwing it all out there, and hoping that it will at least make me feel alive.