ok this is leia and i have something to say

ok, so now i want to write. there are not too many times where i feel like i can learn anything new. that is not being cocky, its just that i have spent my lifetime trying to gain more and more knowledge. there are even fewer times when i will admit that i was wrong. but today, i am admitting that i was wrong. i was bitter, i was hurt and i was pissed as hell that i had put in so much work, only to have things that i couldn't control go so badly. i didn't just get mad, i hated god. the god who protected us, the god who loved us, the god who plucked us out of the darkness. i didn't understand. there was no place to find a suitable answer to what was happening, no person could tell me the whys and make it seem anywhere near ok. it just didn't make sense. i cursed god and his free will gifting. i shut down. i didn't care what debbie did to herself, and she managed to make some pretty significant mistakes, and i didn't run to fix them. i figured it was never going to get any better and she may as well self-destruct. i became hardened to any attempt to find peace or god. these past three weeks, debbie has found healing, i mean real healing, if any of you see her it is unmistakable. i just sat back, i told her that i was not interestied in going through the motions just to have to pick up the pieces when she got hurt again, i told her she was welcome to be up and to attempt whatever she liked, i didn't want to help. i kept a close watch on who and what i allowed to be up, after a few weeks, i did let paige up, i figured that would be the deal breaker, paige would throw a tantrum, and debbie would wake up and move on before the hurt got too much. but, paige, caved, she liked janice, and she was even bold enough to tell her that she didn't want to be hurt, she shared how bad it felt, she didn't even know janice, and my plan was quickly unraveling. so, i proceeded to allow a pretty harsh memory, thinking that for sure would end it, but she rose to the occasion, was gentle and calm and spoke truth and it was quick and completed, right down to finding jesus. i talked to janice, gave her the out, told her that debbie is hard to deal with, told her to get out while she could, and i figured she listened, i was preparing for the downfall that would come once debbie realized she was gone. she didn't leave, and not only that, but she was stern enough to tell debbie that she couldn't leave either because god had more healing for her, and she would miss out if she left. so, today, this morning, i am saying, i was wrong, about a lot of things, i was wrong to doubt, and wrong to be so bitter, i was wrong to try to keep debbie from healing, i was wrong to think that some little mountain girl could be at all effective in this process, i was wrong to think that god had given up on us, i was wrong, and i am truly sorry. so, now, i am back on board, i want to help and i want to have this end, i am even ready to meld into her, i want her to experience the happiness and freedom she has dreamed about her whole life. that is my goal, i want to help this end. and i want it to be glorious, i want her to feel every tiny emotion, and i want her to be able to sing and to worship and to take communion, because once she remembers everything, then she can start to forget and forge ahead with new and wondrous memories. so, i am back, and i am sorry for any bitterness i held towards you, i miss you, and i hope you can forgive me. and it would be great to see you again, but you better hurry, soon, i too may be gone, or at least not seperate.