when i was six

when i was six things seemed so big,
so unreal,
so enormous, that i never thought that i could overcome them.
the pain was so intense,
the feeling of never being good enough,
of not meeting the expectations,
of being forgotten and
that everything was my fault.
at six, i decided to never let anyone see me cry for the rest of my life.
and for years, over 25, i didn't.
of course now, i wish that i had continued to hide my pain,
it seems surreal and uncomfortable,
it hurts to be raw.
i remember that i tried so hard
to be good, to be perfect,
and still she was taken from me,
i never saw my mom again.
i tried
so hard.
it wasn't enough.
i wasn't good enough.
i wish i could have been better.
that feeling of being six
has never left me,
i always try hard to keep people in my life,
and it doesn't work,
i am not good enough,
i don't know what else to do to make it better.
when i was six,
i was so wounded,
thirty years later
those wounds are wide open and infected,
i don't want to feel this anymore
i don't know how to heal
i am not good enough
i don't try hard enough
i am still six.