another long night

here i sit; in front of my computer, my mind refusing to quiet itself so that i may sleep. sounds ring out around me, thoughts swirl through my mind and crash against the side of my brain and leave an aching pain in its wake. my mood for tonight would be melancholy. a bit of fondness, a dash of regret, a yearning for the familiar. a thought that i could do somewhat better if i started writing again, if i let some of the billions of thoughts in my head out, maybe that would make more room for new thoughts. i was wrong. of course, who comments, jaime and george. the two people that i crave spiritual guidance and advice from. the two people i long to sit and talk for hours with. to get back on the right course. the talk around our house the past few days, is moving to bakersfield. that whole thing is a long long story, and a sad and scary one. in a way, i wanted it, to start over, perhaps find someone to help me de-fragment. but each hour i was so disturbed over the prospect of moving that i started to get sick. i don't know what to do. some very close people to us may move, i can't imagine my life without them daily in it. is it enough to cause me to move, maybe. i hope and pray that i make a wise decision. i don't know how long it is going to take to heal from some of the pain i feel, it seems to me that it should be dissapating soon. but then it knocks the wind from me and sears that pain into the utmost forefront of my thinking. like today, i find a colored picture under my pillow, assuming it was a note from one of my children i pulled it out, this is what the note said............deer gsus wil i evr se mi dadde agin by paige. it made me shake. what you don't understand is that i feel like i have deeply hurt a little girl, and then i think about it and realize i am hurting myself. and didn't i go through enough as a child? i can't figure out how to fix this. is it unfixable? how will i ever let go of this broken child, when i keep inflicting more on her? i don't want to feel, i don't want to remember, and i want to sleep. really really want to sleep. i guess i will go try