Well, it's 2013 and this past year has seemed like such a blur. From my mom passing away, to my daughter being sick and having a seizure, son graduating and moving away, youngest child's deep depression, to my health issues, a new year has just begun and I feel like I am so hollow.
Losing my mom, and my son leaving for Whitworth, brought about new and intense feelings of abandonment that I had long thought I had dealt with. WRONG!!! They came flying at me at a thousand miles per hour. The feelings of being completely alone and afraid have come close to crippling me many times this past year. I feel utterly hopeless when it comes to my girls, Tynin has now had a headache for 385 days straight and has passed out and experienced a grand mal seizure, and the doctors cannot seem to find an answer or a cure. Watching the light in a childs eyes go out is heart-wrenching! And then the bullying and torment that my darling Callista has had to deal with this year has made me almost commit crimes. I am a fierce protector and I hate what mean girls have done to her! It makes me want to kill! The past few months I have not felt well, constant fever, joint pain, fatigue, you name it, a few weeks ago, I came down with shingles and two days later a staph infection, I am now currently waiting to find out if I have lupus, MS, diabetes, leukemia, or rheumatoid arthritis. None of which I am happy about. My nerves are shot, and I just want an answer. In a months time I will be quitting my job, and watching newborn twins for a dear friend of mine who has no family in the area. I am excited as I feel like snuggling babies all day may make me feel some sense of belonging again. Right now, I feel fractured, not feeling well as hampered my marriage, which makes me stress back to the affair, it has hurt my friendships as I have little strength to be a friend, and has made me sad and lonely. I believe that God still has a plan for me, I just don't understand why it all has to be so hard to get to that destination. I figure maybe I will start writing again, just to vent so I am not harming the ones I love. Ok, 2013 I am ready to give it all I've got!
Losing my mom, and my son leaving for Whitworth, brought about new and intense feelings of abandonment that I had long thought I had dealt with. WRONG!!! They came flying at me at a thousand miles per hour. The feelings of being completely alone and afraid have come close to crippling me many times this past year. I feel utterly hopeless when it comes to my girls, Tynin has now had a headache for 385 days straight and has passed out and experienced a grand mal seizure, and the doctors cannot seem to find an answer or a cure. Watching the light in a childs eyes go out is heart-wrenching! And then the bullying and torment that my darling Callista has had to deal with this year has made me almost commit crimes. I am a fierce protector and I hate what mean girls have done to her! It makes me want to kill! The past few months I have not felt well, constant fever, joint pain, fatigue, you name it, a few weeks ago, I came down with shingles and two days later a staph infection, I am now currently waiting to find out if I have lupus, MS, diabetes, leukemia, or rheumatoid arthritis. None of which I am happy about. My nerves are shot, and I just want an answer. In a months time I will be quitting my job, and watching newborn twins for a dear friend of mine who has no family in the area. I am excited as I feel like snuggling babies all day may make me feel some sense of belonging again. Right now, I feel fractured, not feeling well as hampered my marriage, which makes me stress back to the affair, it has hurt my friendships as I have little strength to be a friend, and has made me sad and lonely. I believe that God still has a plan for me, I just don't understand why it all has to be so hard to get to that destination. I figure maybe I will start writing again, just to vent so I am not harming the ones I love. Ok, 2013 I am ready to give it all I've got!
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