alone with my thoughts

here i am again, alone with my thoughts, middle of the night, house is full of sleeping people, i am awake watching leno and reading, trying to cough quietly. today has been painful. some good things happened, the baby stayed the night at my in-laws since i am sick, my dad took the kids to school so i could take medicine and rest, i got the laundry done, the house cleaned, the homework checked, callista to dance, dinner made, dishes done, prayers said and clothes ready for school tomorrow, yet tonight i sit here, listening to my own heart beat in my ears, wiping my eyes that keep tearing up, feeling sick to my stomach and hurting,deeply. i figured out why my marriage hurts so much right now, a friend,(hey, laura) gave me this book on boundaries, and i started reading it, and a word that keeps popping out at me is "value" and i realized that i don't feel valued. it isn't about love, although i don't know if i have been loved by my husband in a long long time, but i simply don't feel valued. i have poured myself into this marriage, into my family, into this life. i have tried and mostly succeeded sometimes failed at meeting every person in my family's needs. i just want to feel appreciated, to feel needed, to feel valued. i barely get three sentences from my spouse lately, unless it is to criticize something i haven't done right, i am given the if you loved me you would have sex with me whenever i want guilt trip, even though i am really sick right now. that is why i struggle to find worth in my life right now, spending endless hours doing homework and prep stuff with the kids, going to all of their activities, volunteering in church and school, taking in his families two year old, keeping the house going, the groceries bought, meals prepared, laundry washed, dried and ironed, bills paid, and the only comment i get is that i am not sexual enough?! it hurts deep. tonight, tears were stinging my eyes, the lump in my throat making it difficult to breathe, the anger causing my neck to become hot, i noticed my palms start to sweat, i wanted to turn around and walk out the door, i had had enough! i didn't, of course i didn't. i never do. i tried so hard to not fight, to bite my tongue, he leaves on friday, for 10 days, i don't want him to leave while we are fighting, so i hid, told him i didn't feel good, waited for him to fall asleep, it worked, i avoided a complete meltdown, a huge war of words, he doesn't value me, i don't know if he ever did. i was so scared about him leaving for so long, now....i think i am happy, it doesn't hurt quite so much when it isn't thrown in your face everyday. he won't hardly call, he won't really even think about home, and for once, maybe, i can think about me while he is away, re-evaluate, value myself, who knows? this could be a nice break. let you know......