things they are a'changing

tonight was my weekly prayer meeting. it was small, some sick, some out of town, some just didn't show. it was a good time though. i almost didn't get to go, but am so glad i did. i am also a little scared at how much i am going to start risking in my personal life. i am making some bold plans to make some huge changes, so that i can get past this hurdle in my life. i tell you i felt ok talking about it, but as soon as i thought about what i said i started to sweat and get panicky. this isn't an easy road for me to begin on. i am so scared. i have put my alters through so much, so many times of this is going to be it, only to get shut down and having to start over. i am so afraid of their reaction, i am so afraid of the pain that will come from this. i know i want to do it, i really want to cross this hurdle, yet each time i push myself and try and try, i somehow end up feeling worse about myself and get stuck in the healing process. i am so so so very much yearning for a chance to finish what i started, i hope that i can muster up and do this. i have no faith right now. i am petrified. i will try, i always do, i hope that i don't get more wounded. i can't think about this anymore tonight.....