shortly after the last blog

shortly after i blogged last time, dave and i had the "talk". i wasn't expecting to, after i blogged, i had calmed down enough to make it until the next day, but he kept pestering me, so we talked until like five in the morning. i laid down the law, i told him i wanted a divorce, i told him how hurt i was, he cried and begged and i told him i didn't care that he was hurting, that i had been hurting for a long long time, funny thing, i didn't shed a tear. i felt empowered by telling him exactly how i felt, and i felt like i really could divorce him and be ok to be on my own. i also told him that divorce wasn't what i wanted, but i didn't want to live the rest of my life with this much pain. that what i truly deeply wanted was to be with him, but not just when he had time for me, but all of the time, through the good and bad, through the boring, and the fun, through all of it. and i also told him that i wasn't going to tell him how i needed to be treated, or what he needed to do to fix this marriage, some people think i should spell it out for him, but then what is the point?! if he can't figure out how to treat me, on his own, i don't want to work that hard telling him how much time to spend with me and the kids, or what things i like, or what things i want to do, i am not going to do it. i had told him i would give him until thursday to decide if i wanted him to move out or not, i told him that it was a really hard decision, and that i didn't want to be a fool and see him change for a few days, only to have it return to the way it was. he has really tried hard the past few days, but yesterday he was already asking me about taking time off of work on thursday to go climbing. i am not sure what my decision will be, and i thought for sure i would be very clear on that by now, it weighs heavily on me. i am not sure what i will do. tomorrow is the day, i will try to blog again then. please pray!