i never want another day like today!

i never want another day like today! last night was hard, but i was dealing with things internally, dave had no idea that i was even upset. i find it is much easier this way, to just suck it up and let him do what he wants and just go about my daily life, even if it hurts like hell. today was the "meeting" with the in-laws about their trip and kennedy. so we met for lunch, and just let me take a few steps back to explain some things, since january when i mentioned getting a job, my mother-in-law has been saying to just wait because their property is selling and they intended to give both dave and his sister a big chunk of change. i didn't make plans for the money, but as recently as two days ago, she keeps telling me this. this past week we had told them how bad things were getting financially especially with me not being able to work and now having a toddler living here, she tells us that money is no object to her and that whatever we need she will give to us. we tell her that we are considering asking that kennedy be put into the foster care system and that we would take the daylong course and become her foster parents, we would then be eligble for money, we also had many other similar suggestions. i don't know if i mentioned this in earlier blogs, but dave had recently confessed that he didn't want to raise this baby until she was 18, that sent the mother-in-law into a tailspin, so....today's meeting. i didn't expect too much, maybe a nice lunch and a few goodbyes and a few financial solutions to this problem we are having. it went so far from this and for the remainder of the day, i cried, got mad, cried, got even madder, and cried some more. first, came the revelation that 6 weeks ago they found out that the property sale had fallen through, ok, bad enough, but here's the kicker, my mother-in-law tells my father-in-law " i thought we agreed to wait until we got home to tell them that" ok that was said in front of me and dave. i almost choked. i reached over and grasped dave's leg. then the mother of all guilt trips started, here are the highlights....." don't you love kennedy?" " i am not blood related to your kids and look how well i treat them." "we have given your kids the best life, where would they be without us?" "do you want it on your heads if she were to be molested?" " you will answer to God for turning your back on her" and it just went on and on... i was dumbfounded, truly. dave and i both kept repeating that the very best thing for kennedy was for her mom to get well and be able to care for her, we said, emotionally, spiritually and mentally she will suffer if that never happens, not that it would be today, but that she needed to have that relationship if at all possible. mother-in-law crying, telling us that we need to make her guarantees that kennedy will not leave our house while she is on VACATION! by this point, the food taste like shit, i feel sweaty, dave gets called to the police chief's office for a news conference, so lunch is ending. dave runs back to ask if i have any money for gas, i hand him my last ten dollars, and he leaves. i am getting ready to get up and then they ask for money for lunch! i say i have no cash, but they can use my card if they need to, my father-in-law says " let her put it on her card since they ate food and we just had soup." ok, no shit, i feel my eyes brimming with tears, i know my mother-in-law sees this as she quickly somehow finds money in her purse and pays. ok, not one word about helping financially, not one dime offered, not anything, and then they ask for money, i would have had the meeting at my house, not irenes! and this after my parents gave me some money, and that is not their place. my dad is stressed because of his and mom's medical bills and he wants to be able to give me more. i feel so tricked, so lied to and so deceived. i feel like i am wearing a sign that says "please fuck me over" i wanted to run today, so far, forever, not to ever look back. this may not sound so bad to you all, but to me, after the husband trickery yesterday, and now this, i mean she basically just says whatever it takes to make sure we keep kennedy, with no intention of following through. it hurts. i am aching to my very core. i have no desire to speak to her for a very long time. they had the meeting and then decided to leave today instead of tomorrow. i feel like they figured we would calm down before the 3 months was up from their trip. dave leaves in 36 hours, i have zeds birthday, 4kids and endless events that i need to be at. i feel like i cannot breathe, i feel like any minute i will just lose it and never return to "living" i dont know what to do, i feel so lost. and i do not do anger well. it eats up my insides, it turns me into someone i don't really like. i am afraid to close my eyes tonight, i don't want anything but to be in a cocoon, quiet, alone, unbothered, untouched, no worries. i have lost my identity, because i have tried both the evil and nice ways of living, and i will tell you what this way sucks ass!!!!!! people just find ways to fuck you over, no matter how nice you try to live your life. i am confused. that's it, sorry it's so lengthy, it might not make one bit of sense, it may seem trivial, i don't care, i hurt, so it is a real thing to me