i haven't written for awhile... i guess i felt like it was just going from bad to worse and i am pretty sure that it was a bummer to read. my life holds so many twists and turns, so many little detours. i feel like i haven't had a choice in a whole lot of things lately, not with my healing, not with my finances, not with my time, not with issues relating to god. i just feel like a mouse in one of those mouse run things, sniffing out the cheese, trying to get there to experience the food, but getting angry that it takes so long to get there, wanting to just stand on my hind legs and leap over the obstacles. makes more sense to my mind to do it that way. i am better in ways, had a small break for the baby over the weekend, got pampered and remembered on mothers day. got a good tan going out by the pool, hung out with my best friend and didn't feel guilty for the amount of time we spent over there. watched survivor finale. got some rest. cried a great deal, having repressed memories with seri that i don't ever ever ever want to remember, yet cannot force them down right now. feeling ok not great. very disconnected from everyone, i think that i may even be pushing myself slowly away from everyone, because it isn't as painful if i do the leaving, as when they do. i don't know, i am doing better, but inside i am little, and hurt, and very lonely. but only seven more days of school. and that is exciting for me. so i will try to blog more, hopefully it will start having a more happy slant, and go from there. ok?