Tuesday, May 09, 2006

i learned some things this weekend

i learned some things this weekend. about myself, or should i say about what people think of me. it was truly an exhausting experience. i had thought that my week had to get better, it seemed like there was no place to go but up from the previous week. but then again, i was mistaken. so many miscommunications, so many hurt feelings, so tired, so very tired. the whole earth seemed to swallow me up and spit me back out. the previous weekend dave had climbed and i was left with the 4 kids, so i was really looking forward to a small break this past weekend, only that didn't happen, dave got offered a job working for a friend of ours for 10 hours a day, friday, saturday and sunday, so again i was with the 4 kids. it seemed a little better this time, not really has suicidal has the previous week, but still it would have been heavenly to sleep in at least once. i spent a lot of time with my best friend, swimming and laying out in her new pool, the kids were way more helpful with the baby while we swam, so that was nice. i ended up cooking for 20 people on friday, and that was draining since dave wasn't around to watch the baby for me. friday night, after we all ate and the guys got done working we were all just hanging around, one by one people went home, or went to bed, the kids spent the night and dave had taken kennedy home and i wasn't ready to go home, there were only a few of us left talking under the stars, smoking and just talking. one of the guys whom i haven't known for very long, but really admire and geniunely like, looked at me and told me i was an angry person, that i had so much pain and bitterness that i seemed like a time bomb waiting to explode. i was taken aback a little, but of course asked for more information, he then told me that i seemed to like chaos, and that is why i had packed my bags the previous weekend instead of making dave pack his. he said i had allowed dave to treat me in certain ways because i didn't know that i deserved better, and that once i learned that i did deserve better, i expected him to automatically change and that wasn't realistic. that i had to give him a chance to do that, and it would take a lot of time and even more failing before he learned how. i felt pretty ok about the conversation at 2am when i finally drove home, i was a tad embarassed about it but felt like it was honest and i appreciate that more than anything else. saturday was more of the same, dave working, me and the kids out by the pool, but today i had decided to really make an effort to tell and show dave how much i appreciated him working on his days off to get some money for us, and i even was affectionate with him, the guy who had talked with me the night before told me that he was proud of the fact that i was making attempts to teach dave how i needed to be treated. dave and i seemed ok, and then another friend, the one dave had been working with made a comment to me about something dave had said and was lecturing me about it, it hurt and embarrased me. when i got home i asked him about it and that was the spark that took the whole forest down, we got into it so severely that it got to the point where i threw a suitcase at him, and the keys to his dad's house and said, pack what you can and get out! he almost did. it is too long and drawn out to rehash the whole incident here but, after awhile i quit talking and just told him that i was willing to accept half of the blame for our problems, but until he could own up to his portion it wasn't worth fighting about anymore, so i laid on the couch, and for another half of an hour listened to him tell me why what he did was all my fault, and he couldn't help it if i was a whack job, he said that all of our friends that seem sympathetic towards me when i lean on them, tell him how they know that it is my fault and that he is not to blame. at those words i felt like a frozen dagger was thrust into my heart and twisted about. it took me to my knees to think that people i confided in were in fact thinking i was just sick and patronizing me. i physically felt sick. i felt the hot tears run down my face and they stung and burned all the way down. he knew he had crossed the line with the angry things he was saying, so he said i don't want to lose you, to which i responded you lost me a long time ago, he stood up and said, then i will do whatever it takes to get you back and walked out of the living room and went to bed. i lay there crying and crying and hurting to my very core. the next morning i pretended to sleep when he came to say good bye before going to work. i tried very hard to be friendly and loving, we had a better day, not great. today i did the same, and i told him that i would wake up every morning and try harder than the day before until i had no tries left, and i also told him that even though i could be nice, didn't mean our issues werre gone, and that until those were resolved i would still not consider being more than roommates with him. he did make points today, and i actually got to leave the house and hang out with shannon and the girls tonight, for a few hours which helps me so much. i felt a little freedom and being away from the kids helped me gain some sanity back. i think i may sleep in my bed tonight, it will be the first time in almost a month. i never want to say i didn't give it everything i had. if it isn't going to work out, at least i will have exhausted all possible methods of saving it, and tonight, i think that there is still a lot more tries left in me. so. goodnight, and hopefully soon my blogs can have a more upbeat tone to them. wouldn't that be nice.

1 Comments:

Blogger Dakota House said...

Yes upbeat would be nice but I am glad you are being real. It is what it is.

10:49 AM  

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