tears falling like the rain

lately, i seem to cry at the drop of a hat; maybe i am making up for years of repressing my tears, my pain and internalizing it. i don't know, but most times, i can deal with it, i don't like it, but i can cry a little and move on. last night, however; was not one of these times, i cried for over five hours, and i mean the sickening blubbering type, curled up in the fetal position, snot everywhere, eyes burning, and noisy. i couldn't stop, i tried, and i tried, and i was so upset that i couldn't stop that it made me cry harder. now, normally i have had a fight, or some emotional upset that makes me cry, this time it was a stupid television show. and it was one of my favorite shows, i know how stupid that sounds, and believe me while i was blubbering i was cursing that stupid television show. it was a surreal moment, there on the television, was a woman who was experiencing the same emotions that i had been dealing with lately. basically, her husband made her feel the same things that my husband makes me feel, and up until that very moment, i couldn't think of a way to describe it, and then BAM, there it was, in black and white, well...actually technicolor, but you understand, and it rocked me to the core. i am not an emotional television or movie watcher, i don't cry ever in movies, i think that there maybe two or three in my lifetime that have made me even tear up. and here i was taken to my very core of pain, from a tv show. ridiculous!!! i felt so small, so insignificant, so useless in that moment, that one look, it took me out. all day long i have tried to recover, stinging burning eyes, headache, exhausted from not sleeping, and trying to get it all together, to be a mom, to get the things done that needed doing, feigning happiness in the face of my husband who is trying and came home for lunch. the whole time he was home i felt that lump in my throat, the tears pushing up against the dam, ready to fall. every second he was home i was fighting it, not wanting to think about it again, not sure if i could ever forget. i am feeling numb, so unsure of what or who i am, wanting to run, wanting to hide, wanting to be alone, wanting to be surrounded by people. what the hell is wrong with me?! how much longer can this last? i hope that the worst is over......so much for my happy blogs!