Well, it's 2013 and this past year has seemed like such a blur. From my mom passing away, to my daughter being sick and having a seizure, son graduating and moving away, youngest child's deep depression, to my health issues, a new year has just begun and I feel like I am so hollow.
Losing my mom, and my son leaving for Whitworth, brought about new and intense feelings of abandonment that I had long thought I had dealt with. WRONG!!! They came flying at me at a thousand miles per hour. The feelings of being completely alone and afraid have come close to crippling me many times this past year. I feel utterly hopeless when it comes to my girls, Tynin has now had a headache for 385 days straight and has passed out and experienced a grand mal seizure, and the doctors cannot seem to find an answer or a cure. Watching the light in a childs eyes go out is heart-wrenching! And then the bullying and torment that my darling Callista has had to deal with this year has made me almost commit crimes. I am a fierce protector and I hate what mean girls have done to her! It makes me want to kill! The past few months I have not felt well, constant fever, joint pain, fatigue, you name it, a few weeks ago, I came down with shingles and two days later a staph infection, I am now currently waiting to find out if I have lupus, MS, diabetes, leukemia, or rheumatoid arthritis. None of which I am happy about. My nerves are shot, and I just want an answer. In a months time I will be quitting my job, and watching newborn twins for a dear friend of mine who has no family in the area. I am excited as I feel like snuggling babies all day may make me feel some sense of belonging again. Right now, I feel fractured, not feeling well as hampered my marriage, which makes me stress back to the affair, it has hurt my friendships as I have little strength to be a friend, and has made me sad and lonely. I believe that God still has a plan for me, I just don't understand why it all has to be so hard to get to that destination. I figure maybe I will start writing again, just to vent so I am not harming the ones I love. Ok, 2013 I am ready to give it all I've got!

man, i only seem to write about once a year now! life sure has changed in a year. i now am the mother to 3 high schoolers! whoever thought that having 3 kids in 3 years was a good idea, should have had her head examined! i am still working with special ed students, teaching drama. we did annie this year and had 500 people show up! zeds about to get his license, he should have had it a year ago, but i was not exactly ready. he leaves sunday to go to the dominican republic for the 2nd year in a row, he is thinking of interning there after he graduates next year. tynin is off to aim at calvin crest on sunday, it seems like yesterday that she was in the 2 and 3 year old class crying for the cca's because i had never left her anywhere. she comes home and then flies to iowa for journalism camp! she is quite the writer. callista is a ball of fire, doing cheer and breaking boys hearts! she is so much fun, but not everyone around thinks that she is funny, so it causes issues! i love all of my kids so much, but am one tired mama! janice still lives her part-time, when she isn't at camp. i know in my heart that she is supposed to bring the heart back to calvin crest, so it is exciting to watch her serve and love others. dave is doing lots of undercover work as a detective, he loves it, and so i am so happy for him. we have had a pretty good year with each other, after some super hard times! i am in a state of transition, wondering if i should move, find a new job, go to another country, its hard. i have always had the dream to open a place where i could minister to all that need it, teen moms, sra survivors, special ed adults, pastors who need a break, any and all that the world has deemed throw away. it seems that i will get a chunk of money in the next few years, so we have been praying and praying for property that we could build a community, of faith, love and joy. i cannot wait for this to become a reality! i miss writing..... i should do this more often....:)

its been forever since i have written on here, it seems a lifetime ago. 2 years ago when i wrote, i was in the best place i have been in in my adult life, but one short year later i would reach the lowest level i have been in. it started at family camp of 2009, i was praying the last night of camp, thanking god for his promises and blessings, i felt like i could audibly hear him say that it was going to be the hardest year of my life and to keep seeking him and trusting that he hadnt left through the hardships. i figured my mom who is not in the best health was going to pass on. i really could not have been prepared for what happened. my mom did get cancer for the 5th time, and almost died, my father-in- law got cancer, my dad had a cancer scare, my daughter suffered through depression and not eating and wanting to die, i got accused of stealing money from the government, my niece was molested and there was a trial to remove her from her mothers care, we have been living at near poverty level(literally) which is ridiculous considering we have jobs, and incomes, but trying to pay back past troubles and not ditching our debt has been hard, and then there was daves affair, it nearly destroyed me, but god gave me such grace, it was not my heart that was forgiving but truly god did a work in me, and while i have learned to move forward, my kids have struggled and struggled and it is still not where i would like it to be. this year is still not where i would like to be, but i am learning to rely more and more on god and his promises and to lean on my husband and kids, i am learning what is important and what i dont need in my life right now. it is a new year, a new day and a new chance at making today the best i possibly can..

life is still going, and im still enjoying most of it!

yes, i am still alive and well, and my life is still going and going and i am still learning about God's joy and peace and hope. janice has been living here since camp ended and we took a great trip to disneyland for 4 days! it was good because she got to meet a lot of new personalities and have fun with them. i had a really awesome time! i wore her out though as she was not clued in to how much "we" all love disneyland. i put pictures on my facebook if you care to see them. janice is teaching me so much, about obedience and following Gods plans, and it is hard for me to surrender to just stopping life and listening and obeying. Case in point, this past weekend, was great, on friday, i ended up integrating the very first alter i ever created, a 6month old baby, it was very emotional and hard, and on saturday i was very sore and out of it, things are hard with the system, doing a lot of memories and prayer, and i am finding true healing, but saturday, im not entirely sure what was happening, but janice felt like she needed extra prayer for herself, so she called andrew and april rock, to ask for them to cover her in prayer for the day, well, i am still not exactly sure how this happened but the next time i came "up" we were in los osos, praying with them. apparently, leia and janice prayed and felt like it would be best to get out of town and to be there, and it was offered to go there so they went, without telling me. it ended up being a drive there, prayer and driving back. dave had been out of town, and not supposed to be home until sunday night, and i had the kids but god worked it out, and shannon called and offered to take the kids, and then when we were at the rocks, dave came home, which would have possibly been a really bad thing if we had been in the midst of prayer, so it all worked out. and god had told janice that she was sufficient, so she did all the praying for me, and the rocks, worshipped and covered her in prayer, it was such a blessing. i wasn't thrilled that we were there, but in the end i was so grateful that we had gone. i am busy with work and kids and trying to keep the memories in order and making time for prayer. i am still pretty happy and learning to let god work. hope you are all well!

back from sherwood!

so, i went to sherwood this week. just a couple of days. i almost didn't get to go, health concerns, but convinced the doctor that it would be more restful than running my household. literally got the green light an hour before i was to go up. so very glad i did! i did get rest, and i actually asked some of the sherwood girls to pray and that was amazing! feeling a little better, have a few more doctors appts. this week to figure out the final diagnosis. not as worried as i was after getting prayer. one of the best things that occured this week in sherwood, was janice took paige to the waterfall. it was a very healing, touching moment, in brought me to tears. i love her and all that she did and is doing for me! it was great. and then i couldn't be up as much, and it was great watching her play with janice! she makes me laugh and she made janice laugh. and she even said hi to emily, which was so fun. leia spent a lot of time up, helping me to rest, she is letting janice in and it is nice to have my old leia back. the two of them helping me with prayer and memories, is awesome, super tag-team! the campers were amazing once again. one female, who i took smoke breaks with had a super crush on me, and it was fun to hang out and hear how great "my rack" was. seriously, it was funny! the talent show was so funny! i am going to go up probably for the last time this summer on monday, it is one of my sherwood kids birthdays and i need to celebrate with her, she means a lot to me, and she needs this badly. and besides, jaime is going to be there! things are still unraveling in my life, and i have learned so much about grace, hope and love. i have trusted god, and he is faithful in showing me that i am worthwhile and deserve joy, happiness and peace. god is good! hope you are well! miss you!

things are still amazing!

so things are still amazing with me. really hard, but amazing. i am still in awe of how much my life has changed in just one month! i look back to a month ago, and don't even know who i was anymore. that is the truth. i am learning so much each day, i hope that i continue to learn even more. i think that the hardest thing for me is peoples perception of me, which i am learning really should have no hold over me. i am learning that i am who i am because god created me to be this way, and most people that i run across have no idea where i came from. i am trying to not come across so abrasive on my first encounter with me, trying to let my guard down, and let people in. that is such a new concept for me. i am excited because i am planning to go help with half the week in sherwood. dave just informed me that we have car issues so i am going to have to work around that. which is ok. i also, had a really rough night with paige last night, and am feeling crappy today, but i talked to my doctor and if it isn't better tomorrow, he will run some tests. i also got to hear my bud, janice preach today, and i was impressed with her exuberance in the word. and her understanding and her ability to make it real to people. i am once again having fun with leia, which i sorely missed. its nice to hang out and laugh, and talk and pray. she is awesome. i am still feeling very inadequate trying to figure out facebook, i think i am just too darn old. oh well, it is something to do. kids have stuff daily as school is less than 2 weeks away for them. i have longer until work starts which is nice, trying to get back into the routine may take me awhile. i just wanted to check in and write, because i need to be thankful daily for what god is doing, and part of that is reminding myself to write, so i can look back on it. hope you are all well, hope that the heat is not depleting you, oh....yesterday there was the most beautiful picture of my friend, jaime barker, i mean she looks so radiant, and i hope that her campout was amazing, with her "kids". check it out if you can, if i was at all computer savvy i would upload it or download it or whatever and put it on here. take care of you!

thanks leia!

ok, thank you leia! i just want to tell you publicly that i love you, and that i appreciate having you as part of the team again. i know that i am doing what god has wanted for me for a long time, and i understand the risk of being hurt, i am prepared if that ever does happen. but, i think that going into this i have been smarter and have protected myself and feel ready to try again, to be free. knowing that you will be writing notes, and giving advice and praying and directing the "system" like you do, makes everything seem so right. we make a good team, kid. and i do need you, and yes, if it is gods will that you and i become one, then i will be ready for that. thank you for this incredible gift! lets do this thing, to completion, to wholeness, i am ready, and i thank you for being ready too! love you!

ok this is leia and i have something to say

ok, so now i want to write. there are not too many times where i feel like i can learn anything new. that is not being cocky, its just that i have spent my lifetime trying to gain more and more knowledge. there are even fewer times when i will admit that i was wrong. but today, i am admitting that i was wrong. i was bitter, i was hurt and i was pissed as hell that i had put in so much work, only to have things that i couldn't control go so badly. i didn't just get mad, i hated god. the god who protected us, the god who loved us, the god who plucked us out of the darkness. i didn't understand. there was no place to find a suitable answer to what was happening, no person could tell me the whys and make it seem anywhere near ok. it just didn't make sense. i cursed god and his free will gifting. i shut down. i didn't care what debbie did to herself, and she managed to make some pretty significant mistakes, and i didn't run to fix them. i figured it was never going to get any better and she may as well self-destruct. i became hardened to any attempt to find peace or god. these past three weeks, debbie has found healing, i mean real healing, if any of you see her it is unmistakable. i just sat back, i told her that i was not interestied in going through the motions just to have to pick up the pieces when she got hurt again, i told her she was welcome to be up and to attempt whatever she liked, i didn't want to help. i kept a close watch on who and what i allowed to be up, after a few weeks, i did let paige up, i figured that would be the deal breaker, paige would throw a tantrum, and debbie would wake up and move on before the hurt got too much. but, paige, caved, she liked janice, and she was even bold enough to tell her that she didn't want to be hurt, she shared how bad it felt, she didn't even know janice, and my plan was quickly unraveling. so, i proceeded to allow a pretty harsh memory, thinking that for sure would end it, but she rose to the occasion, was gentle and calm and spoke truth and it was quick and completed, right down to finding jesus. i talked to janice, gave her the out, told her that debbie is hard to deal with, told her to get out while she could, and i figured she listened, i was preparing for the downfall that would come once debbie realized she was gone. she didn't leave, and not only that, but she was stern enough to tell debbie that she couldn't leave either because god had more healing for her, and she would miss out if she left. so, today, this morning, i am saying, i was wrong, about a lot of things, i was wrong to doubt, and wrong to be so bitter, i was wrong to try to keep debbie from healing, i was wrong to think that some little mountain girl could be at all effective in this process, i was wrong to think that god had given up on us, i was wrong, and i am truly sorry. so, now, i am back on board, i want to help and i want to have this end, i am even ready to meld into her, i want her to experience the happiness and freedom she has dreamed about her whole life. that is my goal, i want to help this end. and i want it to be glorious, i want her to feel every tiny emotion, and i want her to be able to sing and to worship and to take communion, because once she remembers everything, then she can start to forget and forge ahead with new and wondrous memories. so, i am back, and i am sorry for any bitterness i held towards you, i miss you, and i hope you can forgive me. and it would be great to see you again, but you better hurry, soon, i too may be gone, or at least not seperate.