this has been a good week....

this has been a good week....no kids for five days, and no kennedy for six, a vacation at the beach with some of my favorite people in the world, great food, volleyball and laughs, no housework, laundry, or cooking. but the best thing was today, the girls had dance practice all day downtown at the convention center, and i managed to get a concussion this weekend and still had blurry vision, dave took the day off and helped me, he drove me and the girls around and was very nice to hang out with, then tonight, we exercised as a family, walking two and a half miles, push-ups, sit-ups, etc... then a small dinner and visiting, then bed. dave and i reconnected in a new way this weekend, some of it was so very hard! i realize that i once again need to "re-invent" myself, not new people, just making myself into something else. i was really upset about it, because i feel like i am the one who has to change my whole life to "fit" in with others, i was so emotional, it could have been the concussion, who knows, but it was a smack in the face with reality, i wasn't too happy. but, today, i have come to accept it and to appreciate the good fun i had this weekend, and even though i am in for a huge life altering change, i am ready. i think. i was not sure if i would be able to get out of bed this morning, thinking of beginning my new life, but it wasn't too bad, except the double vision, which i hope is gone in the next few days, or i will need a doctors appt. and i don't want to rack up any more bills. i miss being connected to friends, they seem to fade away and pop back up again. i will be patient and maybe more proactive in not being isolated. i am tired and sore tonight, but i have a sense of contentment that i haven't had in a long time, so on that note....good-night i am going to bed.

today is a yucky day!

today is a yucky day, if for no other reason than it is 6/6/06 and I feel so overpowered by many things. it just feels yucky in the air and in my head. not clear and pretty fuzzy. i have so much to do today, laundry, packing, cleaning. and, all i want to do is go to bed and wake up tomorrow. i am only so happy that in two days, i will be in hermosa, drinking a daiquiri and soaking up some sun and watching some incredible volleyball matches. so, because of that i will make it through today, and then go to bed early. i hate triggers!

things are looking up

things are starting to look up, they aren't great, but i can once again see hope in the distance. i got almost the whole house cleaned today, two of the kids rooms are yet to be done, but it looks so much better. i made a huge family dinner, tri-tip, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, even brownies, we all ate together and it was nice. the laundry is all done, folded and put away. dave and i are getting along better, i am still really guarded, but i am trying to let go of the bitterness and let him in again. i am now officially 6 days away from a vacation and 5 days away from no kids! i think by the end of august we should be out of financial hardship, at least for awhile. i am getting stronger in my resolve to have kennedy move out before school starts again. i think i am getting bolder in stating what i need at prayer and not being so worried about hurting people. i feel like i can actually protect myself a bit. camp is coming and i cannot wait to be free of household duties for a week. this weekend we are taking family pictures with my whole family, i think that my parents are starting to realize that they won't be here forever and want to do this now. that is my only really hard thing this weekend besides the dreaded church. i wish i was going to see a movie or something cool, but no. graduation party, dance practice, swimming and that's about it. i hope to get tan this week for the beach trip. next week, is more appointments, the last week of dance, and hermosa beach. i am hoping that i can get where i need to be on time and not stressed, and if i could lose 5lbs, that would be a bonus. i hope you are all taking care of yourselves and enjoying life.