easter is on its way

easter is on its way. it's coming at me like a freight train these past few days. sleep has been hell. the memories are weighing me down. i feel like crying most of the time i am awake, not sure if it is exhaustion or guilt. phone calls constantly, dave tries to answer, they ask for me and then hang up. at least i am not crazy. ok, that last comment is debatable. only like 30 something days of school left. hugely happy about that one. zeds free birthday includes treat bags! sweet. no baby for a few nights, so that helps a little in the sleep arena. kids getting along, for once. babysat tynins tamagotchi while she was on a field trip, it didn't die, she was stoked. payday is today! you have no idea the joy in that one. last mother/son night at church with zed, been to every one since he was four, little sad, little happy, dreading the church scene. but, thumbs way up, george is the speaker! hard day with dave. tears. zed signed up for his junior high classes and i was so proud, although some require an interview?! can't believe he is starting junior high. found out we can trade old games in to purchase kingdom hearts 2 for zeds birthday, nice to cut costs! i am so nervous about so many things right now, trying to diet, failing miserably, trying to get the end of the year school stuff done, feeling overwhelmed with the sign-ups that come home everyday. very tired, very much wanting an escape to forget who i was for a few hours. tomorrow is another day. at least i will get to see george, even for a minute.

this is my dad, he just had his cancer surgery, where they inserted radiation pellets, he has to stay at least 6 feet away from the kids for 60 days. he is sad about that, i was just thinking about him tonight and feeling like that wasn't fair and how happy the grandkids make him.

things they are a'changing

tonight was my weekly prayer meeting. it was small, some sick, some out of town, some just didn't show. it was a good time though. i almost didn't get to go, but am so glad i did. i am also a little scared at how much i am going to start risking in my personal life. i am making some bold plans to make some huge changes, so that i can get past this hurdle in my life. i tell you i felt ok talking about it, but as soon as i thought about what i said i started to sweat and get panicky. this isn't an easy road for me to begin on. i am so scared. i have put my alters through so much, so many times of this is going to be it, only to get shut down and having to start over. i am so afraid of their reaction, i am so afraid of the pain that will come from this. i know i want to do it, i really want to cross this hurdle, yet each time i push myself and try and try, i somehow end up feeling worse about myself and get stuck in the healing process. i am so so so very much yearning for a chance to finish what i started, i hope that i can muster up and do this. i have no faith right now. i am petrified. i will try, i always do, i hope that i don't get more wounded. i can't think about this anymore tonight.....

god has perfect timing

god has the most amazing timing! today i got a phone call, from the orthodontist office, i know this because caller i.d. is my friend. i hesitated in answering it, sure it was a request for more money, but i knew that i was paid up there, so i took the chance and answered it. i am so glad i did! apparently, the office puts all the kids who have a birthday that month in a drawing, and my son won! no big deal? yes it is!!! he gets to go to johns incredible pizza and take 19 of his friends, and i don't have to pay a dime for it. you read it right! and someone from their office will meet me there to make sure everything goes smoothly. dave and i were just discussing either having zed a party or simply getting him a gift. i was so dreading this because it isn't what i like to do. i like to make my kids happy and give them a special day, whether it is with one friend, or three or now, nineteen. i was so happy. i can't even tell you the joy i felt as i hung up the phone! god, is amazing, i was ready for some happy news! go god!

today

today, was a day. just a day. i felt ordinary and at times fairly normal. i had a kid home from school sick, i had a toddler with exploding diaper mishaps five different times, i had homework to supervise, dinner to make, grocery shopping to do, laundry to fold, dishes to wash. it was pretty normal. i am praying daily for strength and compassion and understanding in my marriage. so far, i will say that i am pleasantly surprised. at times i find fear creeping in and attacking me, and then i remind myself to take a deep breath and give dave a chance to change. some of the old things he used to say came up today, i wanted to scream to run to hide, yet, i sucked it up, took a breath and waited, he realized(on his own i may add) what he was doing and stopped himself, so i avoided a complete meltdown and while i struggled internally i remained calm and it worked itself out. that was a nice feeling, a normal reaction to a potentially explosive situation. i felt like i had accomplished a lot! and except for the sleepless nights of memories that never end, and remembrances of easters past, i think i am doing ok. very tired, beyond tired, but i am coping, today was nice, tonight....sleepless and restless, hoping for more of the same tomorrow, except the diapers!

update

just a quick update for you all, things are going really really well with dave and i. i am actually amazed at how good they are going, i am still very guarded, but have prayed that i would not be hardened and would allow change to take place in both of us, no matter how slowly. it has been good. it isn't perfect, i don't want to say that, but i am encouraged and hopeful that this is going to be a good thing. the matter of easter being so close, is another matter altogether. i am very aware of the season and the memories are not fun, i have some fear, but i also feel like this year, i believe that dave will be more of a support. the whole thing is always hard for me and i keep hoping that each year will be better, that perhaps i won't even be aware of the season and can enjoy it, last night was the wake up call that i am still very much aware and connnected to the season if only by memories. the kids are not feeling great and kennedy is a little hard to take right now, i am still a little sick, and believe it or not, my house is messy and the laundry isn't done, my shrink said that when i finally took care of things internally with dave that i would be able to relax a little about the housework. what a great guy, he said he was waiting for my house to get dirty, then he would know i wasn't out of control. how does that work?! i am planning on cleaning, but at least i am not crazy about it like i was. i just wanted to say thanks to my friends who have stuck with me through this time, and i guarantee it isn't over yet, so keep praying.

the big decision

so, up until only one hour ago, i had yet to make a decision about my future as a wife. it has weighed heavily on me all week long. most days i leaned towards divorce, to be honest. even last night, i thought about how relieved i had been when i had talked with david and asked him for a divorce. i didn't sleep well last night. i tossed and turned and tried to weigh my options. only an hour ago did i decide. i am giving him a chance, i know that the risks are high that he will fail. but, the bottom line is this, all i want is to be with him, to love him to need him to laugh and cry with him, and it has been his shortcoming that i have not had the time with him that i so desire. he has made strides to correct this, even giving up his workout time to come be with me on his lunch hour. he has looked into other options at work. he has helped with the kids, especially kennedy. a friend mentioned in a comment on a previous blog, to seek jesus in this decision and i thought i had, but i really think that there have been people who didn't give up on me, even when it seemed like i would never make the right choice. time after time they stuck thru it with me, i cannot give up 14 years at this moment in my life. i have stressed to dave strongly, that i am still at the end of my rope and that i have the right to change my mind, and that i am still serious, that this is gotta change for me to stay, he said he understood. i can tell you this, if you look in his eyes, you know that he understands how serious i am. so, an hour ago, i gave him a birthday card and in it i wrote " my gift to you is this....another chance at happiness with me". he said it was the best gift he could have gotten. so, with a guarded heart and mind, i move forward, it is going to be hard and a lot of work. i am going to give it a shot, i am praying that he does what is needed, i don't know how i will handle the heartbreak if he doesn't. so, thanks for your prayers, keep praying, and i will keep you updated.

shortly after the last blog

shortly after i blogged last time, dave and i had the "talk". i wasn't expecting to, after i blogged, i had calmed down enough to make it until the next day, but he kept pestering me, so we talked until like five in the morning. i laid down the law, i told him i wanted a divorce, i told him how hurt i was, he cried and begged and i told him i didn't care that he was hurting, that i had been hurting for a long long time, funny thing, i didn't shed a tear. i felt empowered by telling him exactly how i felt, and i felt like i really could divorce him and be ok to be on my own. i also told him that divorce wasn't what i wanted, but i didn't want to live the rest of my life with this much pain. that what i truly deeply wanted was to be with him, but not just when he had time for me, but all of the time, through the good and bad, through the boring, and the fun, through all of it. and i also told him that i wasn't going to tell him how i needed to be treated, or what he needed to do to fix this marriage, some people think i should spell it out for him, but then what is the point?! if he can't figure out how to treat me, on his own, i don't want to work that hard telling him how much time to spend with me and the kids, or what things i like, or what things i want to do, i am not going to do it. i had told him i would give him until thursday to decide if i wanted him to move out or not, i told him that it was a really hard decision, and that i didn't want to be a fool and see him change for a few days, only to have it return to the way it was. he has really tried hard the past few days, but yesterday he was already asking me about taking time off of work on thursday to go climbing. i am not sure what my decision will be, and i thought for sure i would be very clear on that by now, it weighs heavily on me. i am not sure what i will do. tomorrow is the day, i will try to blog again then. please pray!

i don't know what to do anymore

i don't know what to do anymore. most of you know that i have been secretly seeing a therapist for a few months. i have sought his advice on how to communicate my needs to my husband, have written things out, practiced on the therapist, all of it. i felt very confident that it would all work itself out, that i would be heard, i took his advice on not begging for him to not go on the climbing trip, to just be as supportive as i could while being true to my feelings about it. so, basically i wasn't superbitch, but i didn't have to be mary poppins about it either. i did ok with that, i even slept on the couch for a week so that i wouldn't get him sick so that he could go on his trip. things have been bad in the marriage for a long time, a really long time. the therapist suggested to me that i write detailed lists of things when i ask dave to do something so that he could not say that i didn't ask him something. i have done that, down to the very minute detail and yet, with it written in his hand, he somehow manages to not do the things that i ask. i find that when i am asked something and i answer directly, he doesn't do it and swears i didn't say anything, then berates me for being upset about it. i am at the point that i cry during sex, and if any of you know my history you know that is something i am terrified to do, but i feel as if i am being emotionally raped, i go numb and feel like i am worthless, instead of special. i have gone crazy with housework and laundry and cooking, and even making a dessert every night, the shrink says that i am outwardly trying to have control because inside i am in chaos. he may be right. i spend a lot of time looking at my kids baby pictures and remembering how nice life used to be, and how marriage was good. now, i can barely make it through each day, trying and begging and pleading for my husband to notice me to love me to want me to value me to support me to just be my friend. it has gotten to the point where as my therapist says, it is damaging my psyche and my spiritual and mental well being to stay in this marriage, i was under the impression that all shrinks would say you need to stay married no matter what. he says that i should never again say that i am leaving, that i should just pack and walk out. i am so emotional about this, i never wanted to get a divorce, but i also never thought i would be in this kind of marriage either. i dream of death all of the time, just a chance to get away from here. the weird thing is when he isn't around me, i adore him, i think that i can't live without him, until the second i see him. today he wounded me so deeply that i was tempted to call my dad and beg for my share of my inheritance just so that i could not stress that my kids and i would starve. that can't be good! it won't get better, and now that i see a shrink and he tells me what my part in all of it is, and he coaches me on how to communicate with dave and that doesn't work all i feel is helpless! do i really have to walk out on my marriage? what will it do to my kids? i don't know which way to turn now. i am scared and can't process my thoughts very well. i need prayers, guys. lots and lots of them. i think i may leave? i don't know.

answered prayers!!!!

well, my prayers have been answered! today after dave got home from work, he asked to talk to me, he very casually told me that he has postponed his climbing trip. he has instead decided to two or three shorter trips instead, maybe later this month or the beginning of next. i quickly realized that it had more to do with the yucky weather than it did with wanting to be home with me, but i do not care. he isn't leaving for 10 days and i won't be swamped by myself, sick with 4 kids. i don't care the reasons, i just know that god answered my prayers, i didn't have to beg with dave or threaten him or anything, it just worked out. i feel like i can breathe again!

i tried

well, i tried. i prayed all night, and most of today about how to make myself heard with my husband. he came home at lunch and that was nice, i was feeling so lousy i asked him if he could pick the kids up from school, he agreed and that let me rest some more. it was nice to rest by the fire, i feel so much worse than yesterday, which i don't understand, and need to be completely well by friday when he leaves. it isn't looking too promising. anyways, when he got home from getting the kids, i took a bath and tried to think of what i needed to say, so it wouldn't be a fight, so it wouldn't come out wrong. i then asked to talk to him, and tried to explain that i don't feel valued, or appreciated, or anything. what i discovered is that it is all my problem, he values me just fine and appreciates what i do, i am the one with the hang=up. when i asked him to make time for me to have adult time, which means he would have to watch the kids, he told me that i need to have kennedy move out, it would be the only way for that to happen. so, if all of the issues i am having are mine, and apparently i cannot fix them, why am i still here?! it isn't worth this anymore. i don't know how much more i can give without receiving anything back. i guess i am a stupid blind idiot to not see all of the terrific things that my husband does for me. so i guess all the thank you notes and text messages expressing my appreciation never were received and i need to thank my lucky stars that at least he puts up with me, because no one else would ever want me. i sure am lucky!

alone with my thoughts

here i am again, alone with my thoughts, middle of the night, house is full of sleeping people, i am awake watching leno and reading, trying to cough quietly. today has been painful. some good things happened, the baby stayed the night at my in-laws since i am sick, my dad took the kids to school so i could take medicine and rest, i got the laundry done, the house cleaned, the homework checked, callista to dance, dinner made, dishes done, prayers said and clothes ready for school tomorrow, yet tonight i sit here, listening to my own heart beat in my ears, wiping my eyes that keep tearing up, feeling sick to my stomach and hurting,deeply. i figured out why my marriage hurts so much right now, a friend,(hey, laura) gave me this book on boundaries, and i started reading it, and a word that keeps popping out at me is "value" and i realized that i don't feel valued. it isn't about love, although i don't know if i have been loved by my husband in a long long time, but i simply don't feel valued. i have poured myself into this marriage, into my family, into this life. i have tried and mostly succeeded sometimes failed at meeting every person in my family's needs. i just want to feel appreciated, to feel needed, to feel valued. i barely get three sentences from my spouse lately, unless it is to criticize something i haven't done right, i am given the if you loved me you would have sex with me whenever i want guilt trip, even though i am really sick right now. that is why i struggle to find worth in my life right now, spending endless hours doing homework and prep stuff with the kids, going to all of their activities, volunteering in church and school, taking in his families two year old, keeping the house going, the groceries bought, meals prepared, laundry washed, dried and ironed, bills paid, and the only comment i get is that i am not sexual enough?! it hurts deep. tonight, tears were stinging my eyes, the lump in my throat making it difficult to breathe, the anger causing my neck to become hot, i noticed my palms start to sweat, i wanted to turn around and walk out the door, i had had enough! i didn't, of course i didn't. i never do. i tried so hard to not fight, to bite my tongue, he leaves on friday, for 10 days, i don't want him to leave while we are fighting, so i hid, told him i didn't feel good, waited for him to fall asleep, it worked, i avoided a complete meltdown, a huge war of words, he doesn't value me, i don't know if he ever did. i was so scared about him leaving for so long, now....i think i am happy, it doesn't hurt quite so much when it isn't thrown in your face everyday. he won't hardly call, he won't really even think about home, and for once, maybe, i can think about me while he is away, re-evaluate, value myself, who knows? this could be a nice break. let you know......

when i was six

when i was six things seemed so big,
so unreal,
so enormous, that i never thought that i could overcome them.
the pain was so intense,
the feeling of never being good enough,
of not meeting the expectations,
of being forgotten and
that everything was my fault.
at six, i decided to never let anyone see me cry for the rest of my life.
and for years, over 25, i didn't.
of course now, i wish that i had continued to hide my pain,
it seems surreal and uncomfortable,
it hurts to be raw.
i remember that i tried so hard
to be good, to be perfect,
and still she was taken from me,
i never saw my mom again.
i tried
so hard.
it wasn't enough.
i wasn't good enough.
i wish i could have been better.
that feeling of being six
has never left me,
i always try hard to keep people in my life,
and it doesn't work,
i am not good enough,
i don't know what else to do to make it better.
when i was six,
i was so wounded,
thirty years later
those wounds are wide open and infected,
i don't want to feel this anymore
i don't know how to heal
i am not good enough
i don't try hard enough
i am still six.

i don't know which end is up anymore

i don't know which end is up anymore. i seem to just be bobbing along in life, not sure if i will make it or if i want to. each day i go to bed thinking that tomorrow will be better, and yet so far, tomorrow has been worse or the same. there are parts of each day that are worth their weight in gold, but for the most part i am sinking in depression, wallowing in sadness, floundering in despair, and my "hope" seems to be dangling just out of my grasp. i can't pinpoint what is the cause, probably a number of factors, but i know that most of the things in my life cannot be removed so i am stuck wondering how to get free from the shit. i don't even know where to start. really. i cannot imagine that my life will be this way for the rest of the time i am alive. i can't bear to think that. i need a release from this pain, from all of it. i just want it to end, to be able to rest, to breathe to sleep, to relax and to live a life without this shit. i feel like i am drowning, my head bobs up and i take a deep breath, only to go under and not have enough breath to stay down, so i bob back up gasping for air, and each deep breath i get decreases in size, because i spend so much time trying to catch my breath from being under, but the cycle doesn't end, i always come back to the surface, how long will i be able to do this? i hope not long.....

today is one of those days

today is one of those days. i am feeling overtired, over hungry, overworked and under appreciated. i cannot get my emotions to stop zooming along. one minute i am fine and then bam, i am crying wishing for an end to my misery. i feel so out of control, i feel like i am fixing all the outward things of my life, my house has never been cleaner, and for this long, my laundry i do every day, and i have been cooking, working out, tanning, buying new clothes, and yet the inside of me, is a complete disaster, but no one looking at the outward would ever know this. i am disgusted by the person i feel like i am inside. most people think i am at least a decent person, even if they don't like me, but i feel so shameful and ugly and evil inside it is hard to even look in a mirror. i want today to be over with! i want a new start tomorrow and hopefully it will be better than today, gotta go clean some more.