do i really want to belong?

do i really want to belong to the bigger picture? am i satisfied to stay in my cave and be lonely but safe? this past year has been the worst i have had since i was 21 and left my previous life behind. i know that i should be turning to god, to learn to be in his prescence again and feel like i belong there. i simply can't, that is the honest truth. i have tried to let go of pain, to let go of regrets, to let go of fear, of shame, of guilt, of pride, of anything that i can to get there. i thought if i gave it time that it would get easier, but it has only gotten harder. each night i am absolutely tortured by remembrances from the past, and through all that i went through, my anger is time and again directed; not at the people that inflicted the pain, but of the people who i reached out to who heard my cries for help and turned a deaf ear because they were uncomfortable. how fucked up is that?! it makes no sense to me logically, they only thing that i know is that i did things that i would never have known to do without years of coaching, and i feel deep inside that a lot of people that hurt me did so because they didn't know better. i keep thinking that somewhere, somehow, some way i will finally reach the end of this journey and be whole and free, but lately that thought is a fleeting one. i have read things that other friends write in their blogs, and i am puzzled by how absolutely freaking ridiculous people can be! i thought that blogs were about writing from the heart, about getting things out that are infecting your innards, about being completely fucking honest with the feelings you have, and yet.... people take things so personally and attack innocent feelings, and it makes me physically sick to my stomach. some of these people are the few that i would seek out in times of need, they are the ones that i think of when i awaken at night covered in sweat not sure where i am. but in reading the shit that people say to them, i shy further away from reaching out to these people, i don't want to be a bother, i don't want to add to their load. so, maybe i belong in the solitude of my cave, alone and miserable, but not hurting anyone or being hurt by anyone. fuck the world! i don't think that people will be able to hide behind their falsehoods and masks forever, can't we just be real? isn't that what the whole point of what i have been striving for, to be real, to be who i am, no alters, no bullshit? where then do i learn how to do this? why is pain and shame and guilt and crap so much easier to live in than to throw aside? sorry that i am pissy, i am just disgusted and angry and really really pissed off at mainly christians tonight, and want to find peace but don't want to join their ranks. this is just about me, don't take it personally and write evil comments to me. i am just hurting and want the fucking pain to end. that's it!

is it ever going to get better?!

is it ever going to get better?! i have had a really awful last couple of days, weeks, months, whatever.. on christmas eve dave bought me the puppy of my dreams, a long-haired chihuahua, it was adorable, however on christmas day, it got sick, so after only actually having the dog for 20 hours, we took it to the vet er, and in three days, had lost the dog and a whole lot of money. parvo. it was pretty rough. the vet told us that we should get a dog that was vaccinated for parvo and that it should be ok, the next day we got another puppy, cuter than before and healthy. the first week, he was great, just what i needed in my life, something to be a companion for me, after the first week, this puppy got sick, we got him medicine and i proceeded to give him that medicine every hour all day and night for 8 days straight. he died in my arms yesterday morning. i thought i would be ok, i carefully cleaned and packed away all the dog items i had come to purchase the last few weeks, took care of the body, and went to sleep, i have not slept more than 45 minutes at a time in over a week. dave was hunting and the kids were at school, and i was ok, then dave got home, and i lost it. this sweet one pound puppy had made all the difference in the world to me in the short time i had him, he would curl up in my hair with his nose in my neck at night to sleep, when nature woke him, he would wake me with a paw to the forehead or a lick on the nose. it had been a goal for me to get a puppy, one that was mine, not the kids, that would be there to listen to my late night ramblings, or to hold on to when scared or remembering, one to keep me company. dave is gone so much, really i didn't think it could get worse than before, but it is constant, now he switches his days off to go hunting during the week, so he works on the weekends a lot. it sucks! but in december, he almost died in my kitchen, and i was fully aware of many things, but mostly, i have retreated into myself and am looking for ways to not be bitter at his apparent lack of concern with my companionship and abandonment issues, i just want him to be happy, i want him to live life to the fullest, that incident changed me in good ways and bad. when he got home yesterday, i fell apart, not one hour after he got home, he was on the phone making plans to go hunting again tomorrow and the next weekend, all of a sudden a wave of hollowness and pain engulfed me, i missed that puppy, i needed that puppy! the night before he died, i was home all alone, just me and gizmo, the kids spent the night at the in-laws after awana ,and dave for whatever reason left for hunting at 11pm. i held my sick puppy, and marveled at how that tiny thing had made me unafraid, and not lonely. it was easier to not curse my husband and my life when i had something else to love,. i have felt so much loss this past year, i have felt like i have lost almost everyone i ever cared about. really, even the friendships i still have, are changed and time limits make it seem like i am always alone. when i lost that puppy, i just became overwhelmed with the sense of loss. i was again alone. i had lost someone else i loved. i feel like i am cursed and marked. today, i woke up to callista puking, and then dave locked his keys in the car with it running, and couldn't find the extra key, i had to jump up and run the other kids to school, in a car that was frozen, they were late and tynin starting crying, because for her a tardy is the worst thing that has ever happened to her. then i realize that on tuesday i filled the car with gas, dave took it hunting yesterday and now the gas light is on, and i don't have cash or the card, because dave is now in charge of finances and i am not allowed. well, supposedly he is to give me money each week, but so far, nothing. i am so done with this life, and the pain and loss it brings. i feel like i am in hell. really

a new year begins

so here it is the beginning of a new year. a time to look back and reflect on what happened in the year ending and to project forward to a new time ahead. i can honestly say that i am thrilled that 2006 is over. it has been a trying and long year for me. i am full of regrets and sadness over this past year. i have felt tremendous loss this past year in many many circumstances, i feel like i have gone through deaths in the amount of loss i feel, people moving away, people leaving my life or me leaving theirs, moving in different directions than others, it has just been a sucky year. i am hoping that in 2007 that i can rebound, reconnect, rebuild or restart on things that need to change in my life. i have a lot of pain here lately, the depression that continues to haunt me is severe right now, and i need to figure out a way to rid myself of some inner demons. i think this may be the year i make huge changes in my life, but maybe not, i haven't decided. but whatever the case, i am trying to decide if i can continue living the way i have been or if i need something drastic to rearrange my thinking. today, well actually yesterday was a time of reflection and tears and sorrow for me, i hope when i wake up that i can see with a clear mind all that i need to do to start on a fresh path. my hope and prayer for everyone is that you will discover all that you need to this coming year to make it the best one ever! love to all!